The Search for Change

Because we are the Body of the Wounded Healer and we are the people who believe the impossible— that wounds can be openings to the beauty in us.  We’re the people who say: there’s no shame saying that your heart and head are broken because there’s a Doctor in the house. It’s the wisest and the bravest who cry for help when lost.  There’s no stigma in saying you’re sick because there’s a wounded Healer who uses nails to buy freedom and crosses to resurrect hope and medicine to make miracles.  There’s no guilt in mental illness because depression is a kind of cancer that attacks the mind. You don’t shame cancer, you treat cancer. You don’t treat those with hurting insides as less than. You get them the most treatment.-Ann Voskamp


May is Mental Health Awareness Month.   Can I get WOO HOO?  Yea, not so much, right?   Who wants to bring to attention those ugly things that attack our minds?   Too often we turn away from people, and sometimes even ourselves, who are plagued with mental illness.  We would never say to a man with a broken leg, "Hey, you.  I want you to run" and then criticize him because he didn't  run fast enough, balanced enough, or well enough.  And yet we say to others whose minds are just as broken, "Hey, don't feel that way" or "just count your blessings" or worse yet "You are a Christian, you're not supposed to be this way."    Oh, I think we mean well, we just don't necessarily want to get our hands dirty.  I'm certainly not suggesting that everyone get involved in helping people who suffer with mental illness.   Not everyone is cut out for that.  What I am suggesting is that we, as a society, and especially as those who are believers in Christ, stop drawing our own conclusions and sitting in judgement of things we just don't understand.   And maybe extend a little grace and kindness to those who are suffering, rather than more blame and shame on them for a condition they can't control.

On my way home from a Dr. appointment, in utter frustration, I called my sister.  I cried and yelled and told her how it wasn't fair, how I didn't want to take medicine my whole life long because I couldn't control my mind.  I told her I don't mind taking medicine for my stomach, because that's physical, but this...this is because I'm crazy?!   Why can't I just be better, just make myself not go up and down like a yo-yo,  Just not have panic attacks,  just go places and live my life without this constant inner turmoil and struggle to live??   Everyone's going to see that I'm different.  They are going to say it's all my fault that I'm like this"   And She, being her, said "SO WHAT!  They don't know you, it doesn't matter what they think.  And just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not broken."    Yes.  She's right.    Just because we can't see it, doesn't mean it's not broken.

Some days are hard and I wish I were anyone but me.  I wish I were strong and brave and free.  I down right wish myself away and pray for a better girl, a better wife, a better friend, and a better mother to come in and take my place.   I wrote this down one day when I was searching for change, desperate to rid myself of some of the yuck-that is me.   Instead, I found a grace large enough to cover all of who I am.   I believe in a God who heals, and I believe in a God who covers us with grace while He does the healing in His time.  And in the meantime...His grace is sufficient for me and His strength is made perfect in my weakness, so I'm going to fly my freak flag high and proud about my weakness, because it's then that His power rests on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9-paraphrased-pretty sure 'flying my freak flag' isn't in any version...yet).  Let us be aware of those who are buckling under the weight of a broken mind, and offer them the One who heals our wounds with His own. 

The Search for Change

I went and stood outside in the sun
Hoping to quench the darkness
Hoping its rays would warm the chill
I stood there awhile
But the darkness was too deep
The chill was too cold
I stood in the sun unchanged

I went and stood outside in the wind
Hoping to rid myself of the gnawing guilt
Hoping its gale would blow away my failings
I stood there awhile
But the guilt was too heavy
My failings too many
I stood in the wind unchanged

I went and stood outside in the rain
Hoping to drowned  the shame
Hoping the downpour would wash away who I am
I stood there awhile
But the torrent wasn't enough to loosen the grip
Shame had attached itself too tightly
I stood in the rain unchanged

I went and stood under a tree on a hill
Hoping it would illuminate the darkness
Hoping it would take away the guilt and shame
I stood there awhile
Grace poured down and saturated the darkness, guilt and shame
Grace that was brighter, stronger and heavier than all I had become
I stood at the cross forever changed.

Thanks for reading.