So long 2011

So long 2011, glad to see you go.  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.  I don't mean to be so unkind toward you, but you really haven't been very friendly either.   I can't say that I will regret parting ways with you.  I will say that I have learned quite a lot in your span of time-some good things, others not so great.  All the same, it is time to say our goodbyes-and I can't say that I'm brokenhearted about that!

2011.  It was the best of times.  It was the worst of times.  Some things good, some bad, but when I look at the big picture- all things 2011 have been used to help me learn and grow. 

2011 has had me in the fire.  You know that fire that refines and tests your faith.

1 Peter 1:6-7
⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Yea, not really a fan of the fire.  I have to say.  Sometimes I've even heard myself say "But I don't want to grow and be more like Jesus if it hurts like this."  Not really one of my finer moments, but true nonetheless. 


This past summer, as many of you know, had my little family turned upside down.  My bonus son was involved in a terrible boating accident, which resulted in a summer full of surgeries and intense pain for him.  Watching him go through that was horrendous.  My heart broke a little more every day.  I felt so helpless.

But even in the middle of that, God showed His mercy and loving kindness to us all.    Hubby and I knew that the only reason our son was alive was because of God's own hand pulling him out of the water, and sustaining his life through the entire ordeal.  My bonus son is a walking, breathing miracle and testimony of God's faithfulness and power and mercy. 

My faith grew at least ten times its size this summer.  

I don't believe that God causes tragedies to happen, but I do believe that He uses every one to show us more about who He is.  And the great thing about God is that He promises to turn every situation into something good.  He gives us beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3), He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28). 

Life often times has a way of finding me hiding in the corner proclaiming my inability to walk out the path God has chosen for me.  Yup, I'm the one over there screaming saying "I can't do the things you are asking me to do" and "I'm not strong enough" and "I'm not wise enough" and "I'm just not enough."  This has been my mantra through all of 2011- and (if I'm completely honest) through all of my life.  
But the beauty of coming to the "end of my rope" so to speak  is that I can finally let go and allow God to be strong and wise and enough.  I have finally realized that God alone is able to be enough and I don't have to be anything on my own.  This (and more) I have learned in the fire of 2011. 

I have a friend who makes beautiful designs out of pieces of broken glass.  Whenever I see a mosaic, it reminds me that some of the most beautiful things are made from broken pieces.  And while she makes beautiful pieces of art, only God can pick up the broken pieces of our soul and piece them back together and make us into something beautiful.  I have realized, this year, that it's only when I am completely broken that He can transform who I thought I should be into who He created me to be.    He does make all things beautiful in His time.  He makes all things new.  But only when we come to the end of ourselves.  

All of my broken dreams, and hopes and plans I now surrender into the hands of the only One who can make something beautiful out of the broken pieces of my life.  

This summer another friend of mine shared a song with me that helped her when she was going through a difficult time with a family member who was ill.   It also ministered to me   I'm so thankful that she shared it with me, so I want to share it too.  It's called "Strong Enough" by Matthew West.

 So while I'm not sad to see 2011 go, I'm grateful for the lessons God has taught me this year.  I'm looking forward to 2012 with hope of seeing His plans fulfilled in my life. 

Happy 2012 friends, may God piece together your lives as well.  He is good.  All the time.

Thanks for reading.

Accessories

I'm like a deer in headlights at the accessory counter.  I just can't pick things out.  Thankfully I have friends whose motto must be "Friends don't let friends go around un-accessorized", because  much of the jewelry I have has come from my friends.  One friend, in particular, has taken pity on my inability to accessorize properly and given me several pieces of jewelry to wear.

While I was getting ready the other day, I noticed I wasn't wearing any accessories with my outfit.  I looked through my jewelry box to find a necklace to go with my outfit.  As I pulled out a necklace that my friend had given me and put it on, I felt like I was getting a hug from her.  I thought of all the things we have both been through together since we met.  I was overcome with thankfulness to the Lord for bringing her into my life.  I have walked with her through some pretty awful things, and she has done the same for me.  Always finding a reason to laugh together, even in the toughest times, has been good medicine for us.  I was having a particularly difficult time that morning, but when I put that necklace on, it made me smile.  I felt the gift of friendship all day as I wore the necklace she had given me and it got me thinking (insert shudder here).

Years ago, I was probably 8 years old or so, I received a gift from a lady I went to church with.  She was an elderly woman, a widow, who sat in the second row on the left every Sunday.  Her name was Mrs. Angel and she was one of the sweetest people I had known.  Every week I would wander over to the pew where she sat and chat with her (I was a chatter box kid-I know you are surprised right?).  She was always kind.  She always listened to me and talked to me in return.  She loved the Lord and she loved people.  Her sweet spirit made a lasting impression on my young heart.  Not long before she passed away, she gave me a few things.  One of those things was a necklace.

I thought it was the most beautiful thing in the whole world, not so much because of how it looked, but because it made me feel important.  She made me feel like I was worth something, and I still treasure her gift to this day.  When I put it on, I am reminded of how love can cross generations.  I am reminded of how a simple gift of listening, loving and giving of time can have a lasting impact on someone else.  I am reminded that God can use us throughout our entire lifetime to make a difference in the lives of others.  Mrs. Angel is a part of my heart, not because she gave me this tangible gift, but because this tangible gift reminds me of the intangible gifts of love and kindness she gave every week to a little girl at church.

Another friend of mine gave me a gift a couple of years ago.  She made this necklace for me.

I met this friend through homeschooling and our husbands were also on the fire department together.  She was a great source of  encouragement when schooling my children felt like an impossible task.   She also helped me organize.  She and another friend of ours came to my house and got me "into shape" helping me organize my materials and books and closets and and and..   She has a great sense of humor and has never failed to make me laugh.  When I look at all the teeny tiny beads on this necklace that she had to string, I am so grateful for her gift.  When I wear this heart, that sits close to my own, I'm reminded of friendship and laughter and how we need those things to walk through this life.  I'm reminded of her faith through the tough times she has went through.  Her love for the Lord and her faith in His plan have always been strong, even in the face of much adversity.   Hearing her testimony of God's faithfulness in her life has made my faith grow as well.  She has since moved away and I don't get to see her very often, but when I put on the necklace, I feel her friendship and I'm so grateful that the Lord has placed her in my life.

My sister bought me this bracelet.

It was made and sold as a fundraiser to fight teen depression.  It has one word on the ribbon- HOPE.  When I wear it I often put the ribbon between my thumb and finger and hold on to the word-HOPE.  My sister's gift is so special to me.  As I struggle with my own bouts of depression and anxiety, I put that bracelet on and am reminded that there is hope.  I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:11.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future.
As I twirl that word-HOPE- in my fingers I make a decision to trust in the plans the Lord has for my life-even though I don't understand them at times.  I put my hope in the Lord and rest in the promise that He has good things for me, and His plans are always good.


During an incredibly difficult time in my life, I received a gift for Christmas from a couple who had taken me into their family.  It was a necklace with this charm on it.

During this time in my life, I felt worthless and often called myself a "Loser".  So they bought this and said "L doesn't stand for loser anymore, it stands for "Loved".   During a time when I was unable to receive love from the Lord, he placed some people into my life to show His love to me.  This couple, which became parents to me, were two of those people.  When my daughter was a baby, she yanked on the chain and broke it, but thankfully I didn't lose the charm.  When I see it, I am reminded of the love the Lord has for His children.  I'm reminded of how much He loves us, and how He will stop at nothing to make sure we understand how much He loves us.  He will send us friends, family and friends who become family to be sure we know He loves us.  He is the giver of all good things and the source of love.

No matter how insignificant we feel we may be, God has a bigger plan and maybe, just maybe, that small gift you have to give-the smile, the kind word, the encouragement to a friend, the time spent talking with a child-maybe that will be the very thing He uses to pour life and hope and love into the life of someone else.  Never think what you have to give isn't good enough or big enough.  If God is in it, it is always bigger than we know.   God often uses the smallest things to make the biggest impacts (think of the little boy's lunch in Matthew 14).

I suppose if  burglars came into my home and searched through my jewelry box, they would walk away disappointed.  But to me, my jewelry box is full of treasures.  It is full of love, and friendship and family and hope.

And I am so thankful for every piece.


Thanks for reading.

Something Different This Way Comes

Today when I went to get my hair trimmed I went way radical.  OK, so maybe not way radical, but I did have my stylist cut me some bangs.  I haven't had bangs in years.  These new little hairs keep growing in the front and they have been driving me crazy, so I thought maybe some bangs would blend in with the new growth better.  They do, but I'm not used to them quite yet.  They feel a little awkward.  I keep brushing them away to try and mimic my previous style.  I will eventually stop sweeping them to the side and allow them their own spot on my forehead, but it may take a few days. 

See, I'm a whole lot  little reluctant to change things around, even something as simple as my hair.  I'm sure I've mentioned this before.  I know it's kind of a recurring theme in this blog (sheesh enough already right?).   I just like things to stay the same.  That way I know what to expect and I'm usually not disappointed.  Even if things aren't great, it doesn't matter so much because they are the same and I know what's coming.

 Sometimes I think of how I wish things would change, but then when I'm faced with the challenge to initiate my part in the change, I choke.  Even the most difficult situations are often easier to remain in than to initiate any part in changing them.  To know what is expected, to know what's coming, to know even that  negative things are inevitable is often an easier pill to swallow than the pill of the unknown.  Sometimes I wonder if that was one reason that Jesus asked the 38year invalid  laying by the pool of Bethesda (John chapter 5) if he wanted to be healed.  I wonder if He was like "Hey, are you really ready for everything to be different?"  That would be a valid question if it were me laying by that pool.  I wonder what my answer would've been? 

Please don't misunderstand, this is NOT a trait I value in myself.  In fact, just the opposite is true.  I want to be able to accept the inevitable changes that occur in life  with less heartache.  I want to be able to initiate change in situations I feel need changing, and be able to move on if a situation cannot be changed.    I want to be brave, but like my friend Piglet says "It's hard to be brave when you're only a very small animal."  and I so often feel so very small. 

But this I know, changes are coming.  Some have already taken place and I am not even close well on my way to adjusting to them.  Others I see off in the distance making their way to my reluctant heart.  I pray I will have the courage to embrace them, or at the very least not run screaming  in the opposite direction from them.  Because this I also know, some of the greatest work done in my heart has been worked in by the heartache of a major change in my life.  A friend of mine once quoted this to me and I often remember it when I sense changes coming.

You will remain the same  until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change.

Today I will accept those new bangs and work with them until they become a comfortable part of who I am. And I will continue to pray for the Lord's direction in the bigger changes I know are coming. I will remember the words Moses spoke to the people of Israel In Deuteronomy 31:8

⁸ The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

I may be a very small animal, but the Lord is mighty and He will not leave me all alone.

Thanks for reading.

Never Alone

To all my friends out there who feel alone in their struggle with  depression, this  message is for you.

You are not Alone

I see you sitting in the darkness alone
I see you wipe the tears from your face
I see the regret you hold your heart
I see the things time could not erase

I hear when you say "I'm not enough"
I hear when you say "I can not go on"
I hear your heart cry for some other way
I hear when you say "I'm already gone"

I feel the desperate beat of your heart
I feel the pain of the way that you live
I feel the discouragement that shadows your soul
I feel the burden as you work to forgive

I know that you so often feel powerless
I know that you feel you should've been strong
I know that you feel you should have done more
I know that you think that you are so wrong

I see you and hear you, you are never alone
I am here with you bearing the weight
I feel your desperation and know all your longings
I know that you're broken, but  it's never too late

Hold onto me, and stay in my love
Hold onto the ones who love you for you
Hold onto the truth that you have been taught
Hold onto my hand, and I will bring you through.


Isaiah 41:13
“For I am the LORD your God, who upholds your right hand,
Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’

You bring me Joy

This is it.

Tonight is my Sweet Pea's last night of being a single digit girl.  Tomorrow she will be 10.

Wow.  10 years have gone by already.  Seems strange, when I look at her,  to think that she is the same sweet baby I brought home 10 years ago.  Then I look right at her face, and it doesn't seem strange at all.

Of my three, she is by far the most laid back.  As an infant, she slept on her own right away-unlike her siblings.  She woke up happy and singing to herself as a toddler.  She played often by herself quietly.  She was so quiet in the car that I often checked and re-checked to make sure I hadn't left her behind.

She isn't always quiet now though.  When she gets the giggles look out.  She laughs uncontrollably with no reserve.  While it is sometimes madly inappropriate, there's something about watching her laugh that makes me smile.

 She is often in her own world-much like I was at her age.  There's that saying, you know, the one that talks about marching to the beat of a different drummer.  Yea, well my Sweet Pea doesn't march at all.  She dances to the sound of a flute or something.

When my children were babies, I would often sing to them.  With each child came a special song, one that I would sing over and over to them in particular.  Sweet Pea's song is You Bring Me Joy by Anita Baker.  That is the song I would sing to her over and over, and it is still the song in my heart when I think about her.  Her gentle spirit, her giggles, her dance through life, these all bring joy to my heart.

You bring me joy, when I'm down oh, so much joy
When I lose my way your love comes smiling on me
I saw your face and then I knew we would be friends
I was so afraid, but your arms they said come to me


Being a parent has been one terrific, yet horribly frightening ride for me.  A ride that has left me, on more than one occasion, begging the operator to let me off of NOW!  But it is also one that has brought with it so much joy, and much of that joy is found in the gentle, giggling, dancing girl I call Sweet Pea.

                                           My sweet pea at 2 months

                                           My Sweet Pea with her dog on her last day of being 9

Happy Birthday Sweet Pea.  I love you.  You bring me joy.

Fall

Fall is my favorite time of year.   It's always been my favorite.  Even as a young child it surpassed summer in my heart.

Auntie V used to take her grandchildren and me to a fall festival every year to pick out a pumpkin and eat junk food and ride the very unsafe carnival rides they had set up at the festival.   It was something I looked forward to every year.  My 2nd cousins (her grandchildren-one girl close to my age and her brother a bit younger) were some of my favorite people to hang out with, and we always had a blast when we were together.   Life has a way of getting so busy that I don't keep in touch with my cousins often, but they still hold a very special place in my heart and memories.

Auntie V is a big part of why I love fall.  She loves fall too and decorated her house in "fallish" decorations to the max!  She shared her love for fall much like she shared the rest of her life.  She made it fun and warm and inviting by living in each moment and pointing out every good gift from our Creator.

I'm going to do the same.  I'm going to share some things I love about fall with my friends.

Fall is for school time


Fall is for beautiful colors

Fall is for the banded woolly bear caterpillar emerging from the egg and scooting along to find a home to wait out the winter months.

Fall is for pumpkin carving

And toasting pumpkin seeds

Fall is for picking apples

And making apple pie

Fall is for snuggling to stay warm while watching flag football on a Saturday morning

 Fall is for remembering that though  things must die, death is not the end of things-but instead a transformation. 
There are some things in my heart and life that need to die and blow away like the leaves on the trees.  I feel as though the Lord is stripping my heart  to expose those areas and prepare them for transformation.  I look prettier covered in leaves, for sure, but exposure is good and necessary. It  reminds me that I am in desperate need of  His love and His life.  He has to strip away my intense resistance to change, and as he prepares my heart for new things, I wait.

Much like my friend the banded woolly bear caterpillar who comes in the fall, eats and finds a place to wait out the winter, I too am "eating" and finding my place in Jesus to rest as I wait for transformation.   Because come spring, Woolly Bear will awake from his sleep, eat some more and spin his cocoon and in the Creator's timing, Woolly Bear will be transformed into the Isabella Tiger Moth.

A total transformation.

He makes all things new.

Happy Fall friends.

Dr.s and cds and skies...OH MY!

I sat down at the computer today and I thought my last post on here was only a week or so ago. 

I was wrong. 

How is October already?  I have lost track of time in a big way.  So I've decided I had better start making my "New Year's Resolutions" now. 

1.  Writing on this blog more often
2.  Think of some more resolutions...(Hey! It's only October.  I've got time) ;)

So October has us fully into our school year.   At the end of our day, you'll find our floors littered with books and papers.  We pick up as we rush to get ready for whatever activity will be filling our evening.  Our lives are busy and full, and although we like it that way I do tend to lose track of time in the whirl of activity. 

But here I am sitting down for a moment now trying to capture some of those crazy thoughts swirling about in my head to share with my friends.  You have missed my crazy thoughts haven't you???

I recently visited a new GI Doc.(gastroenterologist) to see if we could find a solution to this perpetual stomach pain I've been having.  My stomach and I have a long history of not getting along well together.  Lately it's been acting up in a big way and I thought a trip to the Dr. might get that tummy back in line.  He ordered some blood work,  gave me a couple new suggestions, and also a new medication to try.  All in all I liked him and I'm hoping my stomach will turn from its evil ways and behave better in the future. 

The thing about a new Dr. though, is that they ask you about your history, your hospitalizations, your past medications, and all kinds of other info.  In other words-they get all up in your business.  There are lots of things I don't love to talk about, and there are lots of places I've been that I don't enjoy re-visiting.  But because they are relevant to my health, there are things I have to say, places I have to re-visit, and stories I have to tell my new Dr.  So I did, and I left with an intense desire to run home and climb under my blankie and hide. 

A friend of mine sent me several CDs of teachings from her church and there was this one about keeping secrets vs. living a transparent life.  The speaker gave a testimony of some things she had been through.  She took things she had hidden from the world, things she pretended to be and not to be and she "hung them out on the line" for all to see.   She spoke about the freedom we have as we live in God's grace. 

 Interestingly enough, I had popped that  CD in my van and listened to it on the way to the Dr.  not realizing how much I would need to hear what she was sharing.  I would need to hear her testimony of how God brought her out of the shame of her past and into His glorious grace.

He makes all things new.  I love that. 

Thinking about what I had listened to on that CD, and the visit I had with my Dr. reminded me of a picture I had taken a week or so ago.  It had been rainy and dreary all day that day and the evening was more of the same.  The children and I had to run to the drug store and on our way home we pulled over to just take a minute to stare at the night sky.  It was dark on all sides, except this one area of the sky looked differently than the rest.  Just a sliver of light shining through the darkness on one side of my car window made me stop and take notice.   I snapped a photo with my cell phone. It's not a great photo, but you can see the sliver of light shining through an otherwise blackened sky.

I realized something as I remembered that picture and thought about my Dr. visit and the teaching on that CD.

Sometimes it is in our darkest places that His light is the most noticeable. 
When all other areas look hopeless, the light of His love shines through the darkness.  I will always see that, but only if I stop to look.

As I remember those dark skies of the past and as I live through some dark skies in the present, I must look and see the light of God's glory and grace in every situation.  That is what will carry me through.  As I put away the shame of past events and become more transparent, my prayer is that I can help others find the light in their own personal darkness.  As I admit my brokenness and His strength in my weakness, perhaps someone else will see His light shining through.

Because I have to believe that God will use every dark sky I have experienced for His glory.  I have to believe that not a single tear I have cried will be wasted.  I have to believe in a plan greater than I can see with my eyes.  I have to believe that by "hanging my things on the line", sharing my pain, and becoming more transparent, that the light of God's glorious grace and perfect love in my dark skies will be made visible to others.  And that those who see His light will run to Him-because He is our help in times of trouble.

And I can continue on regardless of the past and the effects that continue to invade my present, because I choose to believe He is making all things new.

Look for His light in your dark skies, friends.  It's there.  I promise.  He will never fail, though others may, He will never fail you. 

He makes all things new.

Thanks for reading.

Best laid plans...

The best laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft a-gley.--Robert Burns ("To a Mouse")
Quoted popularly today as- The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.

No truer words have been spoken Robert Burns-no truer words. 

This past week I had some plans.

I had me some (might I humbly add) rocking-solid-awesome PU-LANS.

I even had a planner in which all of my plans were written in an orderly planner-like manner.

Those of you who know me know that I'm not often a planner kind of gal.  Oh, not that I don't try.  I try good and hard with planners a-plenty.  I just forget to write in them.  Then if I remember to write in them, I actually forget to look in them at what I've written.  So, I end up being more of a "fly by the seat of my pants girl" than a "well organized-ducks in a row girl". 

BUT this week was going to be different.  In fact this homeschool year is going to be different.  I bought THE best planner in the whole world (all the reviews said so).  My sister even has a planner by this same company and she said it was her favorite EVER.  (Sidenote:  My sister is like planner supreme, queen of all things well planned, a planner super-hero with a cape and everything.  It's a disgusting natural gift of hers.  SO, you see why her endorsement of a planner holds some serious weight in my eyes).  As soon as this planner was in my hands,  I knew it was going to change my life, and I got busy writing in it.

This was the week I had planned to begin our schooling.  SO, I planned out my week's activities, lesson plans, menu, homeschool assignments for the children and their chores.  My book shelves were cleaned and re-organzied with all of our current books in place.  My binder was ready.   Kids' binders were ready.  Pencils, crayons, glue and notebooks had been purchased and were all in their proper places ready for some serious use.  
THEN:

OH!!  Hello giant brick wall.  OUCH!  

Last Sunday evening found me laying in a bed at the ER for severe abdominal pain(which I will post about another time-but I'm fine). 

Monday found me following up my ER visit with a visit to my own Dr.   The rest of Monday was spent laying on the couch sick sick sick.  So long Monday plans...

Tuesday, my bonus son-who is still in the hospital- had another major surgery.   I was still sick on the couch most of that day, while hubby was at the hospital keeping me (and my frazzled nerves) updated via texting.  So long Tuesday plans...

The rest of the week was taken up with another visit to the dr. and taking daily shifts sitting at the hospital with my bonus son, since this surgery really took its toll on him.  So long Wed-Friday plans...

Oh, and did I mention my dog (16 yrs old) died on Thursday too?  Yea.  I didn't have THAT in my planner. 

Hubby and I took the the kids to the lake on Saturday and took a little time to chill out and have some fun together playing a little tee-ball with make-shift bases.    That was nice.

I really don't know how all of those things happened since none of them were written in my planner!!! 

 But happen they did and now it's Sunday again.

So much for my best laid plans. 

Now, I have all my plans written out for this week (since I am totally stealing last week's plans).  It doesn't matter that they are all written on last week's dates right?  (Shhhh!  Don't tell my sister).

If at first you don't succeed...

I'm gonna give this another try.

Thanks for reading.

*Cartoon is from Todd Wilson at Familyman Ministires

remembering you

Today my heart is full of sadness and gratefulness; crying and smiling; sorrow and joy.  It's a paradox of feelings that I have today as I remember  the woman I said "goodbye" to one year ago.

The sadness of missing her talks with me, the gratefullness for having had her in my life, crying as I remember her last days on earth, smiling as I remember time spent with her, sorrow for the void left in my heart, joy for the hope of seeing her again one day-these are the thoughts and emotions running through my head and heart today.

She was a remarkable woman, and I miss her everyday.  There is a big selfish part of me that wants her here with me, so that I could crawl on the couch next to her and tell her everything going on in my life; so I could  here her laugh; and so I could just be with her.   But while I grieve the loss of her in my life, I also rejoice knowing that she is well, fully healed, singing and dancing and spending each moment in the perfect presence of her Savior.  I take comfort in the finished work of the cross, knowing that Jesus died to make a way to reconcile man to Father God.  Because of that work, I am assured of her eternal destiny, and mine.  Because of that work and our decision to accept that gift and make Jesus our Lord and Savior, I am assured that one day I will see her again. 

So today, while I still feel that ache in my heart and while I miss her being a part of my life, I am not without hope.

I Thessalonians 4:
¹³ And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died^[f] so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.

2 Corinthians 5:8
⁸ we are of good courage, I say, and  prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord.

I will take comfort in these verses and in the knowledge that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord, as I remember where I was one year ago today-saying my last goodbye. 

I will remember the way she ministered to so many people-even in her sickness and pain she reached out to others in need.

I will remember  the example of faithfulness and ministering to others that her life demonstrated, and I will do my best to follow that example throughout my life.

I love you Mama Paula.  Forever and for always.


Remembering you.

I'm just sittin' here remembering your smile
The way we would sit and talk for awhile
Your fun sense of humor and keen sense of style
Right now I'm just sittin' here remembering you

I'm just sittin' here remembering the way
You'd wake up each morning and take time to pray
Asking for grace to go through your day
Right now I'm just sittin' here remembering you

I'm sittin' here remembering the lessons you taught
The love words you whispered when I was distraught
The wisdom and grace your words often brought
Right now I'm just sittin' here remembering you

 I'm just sitting here remembering the day
I told you goodbye that was all I could say
I kissed your sweet face before I walked away
Right now I'm just sittin' here remembering you

I'm just sittin' here feeling so blessed
To have experieced the love of the Father expressed
In the love you gave freely I remember it best
Right now I'm just sittin' here remembering you

I'm just sitting here thinking of when
The glorious day comes and I'll see you again
Then my heart leaps for joy from the pit where it's been
Right now I'm just sittin' here thinking of you

I'm just sittin' here knowing you're healed
Dancing and singing no longer concealed
You now see God's glory fully revealed
Right now I'm just sittin' here thinking of you

Thanks for reading.

Juggling

Well, our family has had quite the week so far.  My bonus son was in a terrible boating accident Sunday evening and could have drowned. He also could have died from his injuries.  He also could have lost one of his legs. 

But God.  :)

He is doing remarkably well, due to the continuous prayers of so many who love and respect him, and the healing power of God.

Hubby and I have been learning the hospital motto-which I've determined is "Come on in, take off your coat and WAIT awhile."  Nothing is done in a hurry around there for sure, but I am grateful he is getting excellent care.  It's a good hospital and he's had great nurses.  God has been so good to him. 

Still, it's hard to see someone you love in pain, and I just wish he didn't have to go through this. 
He's a great kid (22 this month). I just can't say enough good things about him. He's so gracious and thankful to the nurses who are taking care of him- they all love him. He's a sweetie, that's for sure.


As I was driving home tonight from the hospital, with my bonus son on my mind, my heart was just so heavy.  So I tried to switch my focus and figure out what I needed to do when I got home. 

Feed dog. 

get clothes ready for kids. 

make calls to make arrangements for kids to go tomorrow to  friend's house..

make sure hubby has clothes to wear(when was the last time I did laundry???)

Did hubby eat any dinner?

Did I eat any dinner?

and and and...

This week I've been juggling like no other

Kinda like this:

Only the closer I got to home,  I started to feel a little more like this

So, juggling may not be my forte I decided, but it's OK, because just as pulled into town I heard this on the radio:

"When I call on Jesus, all things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles and soar
When I call on Jesus, mountains are gonna fall
Cuz He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call"

As if saving my bonus son and protecting him from infection wasn't enough, God is also picking up all those things I keep dropping while trying to juggle them on my own.  He's so awesome like that.  He is the supreme multi-tasker. 

I looked at the seat next to me where my bag of coffee sat.  My mama  had picked it up at the store for me, because I was out.  Anyone who knows me knows this:  I can NOT be out of coffee.  Plus she got me my favorite kind.  :)

When I got home,  there was food on the counter and in my fridge that my dear friend had brought over. 

My children then told me all about the fun day they had with their friends.  My bestie had taken them for the day along with her own 3 kids and driven them to gymnastics, then to dinner and ice cream and the park.  They also learned the art of pumping their arms up and down at semi truck drivers to get them to honk their horn.  I was told 8 of the truck drivers obliged. 

As I thought about all these things I had "dropped"  I began to realize that before they even hit the floor, God had scooped them up and taken care of them. 

As the days move forward, I will try to remember that I need not try to juggle on my own.  I need to call on Jesus, because He's got this.

Whatever any of you  are struggling to juggle, join me in remembering we weren't meant to walk out this life alone.  Don't worry if your items begin to fall, Call on Jesus only then is anything possible.

Thanks for reading.

A lesson from an asparagus

Hello Friends!


Glad you've come back, in spite of my prolonged absence.  You'd think having been gone for awhile that I would have some  great, profound, bit of awesomeness to bring to you.  


Well, don't get your hopes up too high.


I'm kind of a simple gal.


But you may be interested  if you like to talk to tomatoes, if a squash can make you smile...  Because I found a little piece of wisdom from an asparagus last night.


I'm finding myself in a place of changes.


The needs of my family are changing as my children are getting older.


The organization and content of homeschooling the children  is becoming more complex.


Our little family is going through some significant changes in some other areas of our lives that may very well have a great impact on us all.


We are experiencing some major growing pains.


OUCH!!

Anyone who knows me well, knows this about me:  I do NOT adjust to change easily.  I do not run to greet changes with open arms and give them a great big hug.  


I tend to lean more toward the running away from while screaming apprehensive slow approach to changes.  


But running or embracing, either way, changes come.   I will have to adjust.  


I'm a bit slow, so right about the time I get used to something it changes.  A friend of mine says it something like this:
I just get my ducks in a row and they start waddling away.   


So as I have been pondering all these changes in my adult manner, and contemplating how everything will work out, I have missed out on the simplest of things.


I was watching Veggie Tales (yes, I'm 38 years old and yes I still LOVE Veggie Tales) with my kiddos last night.  We were watching a Silly Songs episode where they play some of the songs from various shows.


*side note:  If you've never seen Veggie Tales or don't know what they are, google it.  It's worth watching.  They are a garden variety of veggies who tell stories from the Bible, give moral lessons, plus they have silly songs in each episode just for silly fun.


So the last song is called My Day sung by Jr. Asparagus.  He lays down in his bed at the end of the day and sings...


In my bed I start to pray and tell God all about my day


Then he sings all about the good things that happened in his day; the way he followed the rules, did his chores, learned new things at school, and had some fun with his friends.


Then he sings:


And so it’s good to know
How much you love me
It’s true, the bible says you do
You really love me
Your love was with me all throughout my day



It is a very easy thing for me to see the hand of God in the beauty of a wonderful day.  It is a very easy thing for me to say prayers of thanksgiving for all of His goodness to me, and acknowledge that every good thing comes from God.  Much like Jr. Asparagus, on those days I can feel and know that His love was with me all throughout my day.


In the second verse he sings about some not so wonderful things.  He failed to complete his duties, he had trouble sharing and following rules, he brings attention to those things that are less than wonderful about himself.  And yet at the end of the verse he again sings:


And so it’s really good to know
How much you love me
It’s true, the bible says you do
You really love me
Your love was with me all throughout my day


What I realized in Jr.'s simple song was that God's love for me doesn't change if I have a good day or a bad day; if I let His light shine through me, or if my character flaws shine brighter; if I am good, bad or ugly- His love never changes, and neither does the fact that He is always with me all throughout my day.


Watching this simple song being sung by a small asparagus put my adult-contemplative-pondering mind back to a simple child-like truth.  


When I lay down in my bed at night, I don't need to figure everything out.  I don't need to yell at myself about all my character flaws and all the ways I have done things the wrong way that day.  I don't need to worry. 


 I can sing along with Jr. in the last line of the song...


In my bed so quietly
I rest in knowing God loves me


Maybe that simple yet complete faith is why Jesus said this to the disciples:


Matthew 18:1-3
 ¹ At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
 ² He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. ³ And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.


Most of the day requires me to be an adult with an adult mind to make adult decisions and carry out adult responsibilities. 


 But I still must find that quiet time at the end of all of that when I can be a child.  I need to lay down and tell God all about my day-good and awful-and rest in knowing that no matter what He loves me and His love is with me all throughout my day.

Thanks for reading

Night Minds

Psalm 61:1-2

1 Hear my cry, O God;
Attend to my prayer.
2 From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.


Greeting friends.

Long time no blog.  I have been feeling a little out of touch lately.

Since my last post, I've had so many things to write about swirling around in my head, but I have not been able to put myself in front of the keyboard.

 I'm just gonna tell you the truth.

 I am in a funk.

 An intense state of complete defeat. 

Overwhelmed with the simplest of tasks and caught in a cycle of anxiety which leads to my current depressed state.  I find little enjoyment in anything except for the tantalizing thought of crawling in my bed and hiding under my blankie.  

I can't seem to do anything right.  I have the opposite of the Midas touch.  Everything I touch turns to... well- NOT gold.  Let's leave it at that. 

This happens sometimes.  Probably more times than I like to admit.  It's not always circumstantial, it is just darkness that covers everything.  So things can be going along fine and there it is.  It just happens that way. 

Sorry to be such a drag, but one thing I want this blog to portray is the reality of my life.  I don't want to pretend to be a person that I'm not.  I had something else in mind to write about when I sat down tonight, but it wouldn't have been honest writing.  It would have portrayed feelings that I just don't have right now.  

Just keepin' it real here folks.

 In doing so, my hope is that someone may stumble onto this blog who may have some of these same feelings and know they are not alone.  That they are not less than just because they feel so exhausted by their own racing thoughts and varying emotions. That the intense darkness that covers any trace of light, will pass over.  There is hope.

We just have to hold on to the rock that is higher than we are. 

I have a great support system.  It really helps that my Mama(MIL) is a therapist, and someone I can run to when I need a lap to cry on.  I couldn't have asked for people who are more kind and caring than the ones I have in my life.  But I kinda have a habit of being a bit of a turtle.  I crawl inside my shell and hide.  I feel like it's safer, but really it's just darker in there.

A lifeline is only helpful if you grab onto it.

So if any of you out there are like me, take your hand and pop it out of your shell and grab a hold of someone you trust and who loves you.  I know it's hard to reach out, but sometimes we need  help to get through those dark times.  Hopefully , that person will also point you to Jesus, because His intense love shines light into the darkness and floods our hearts with hope.

 He is our lifeline.  Don't sink into the darkness.

And yes, I will try to take my own advice. 

When I first heard this song it reminded me how many people out there suffer from this kind of dark thinking.  This song called Night Minds reminded me that we all need each other.  God created us for relationships, with Himself and with each other.   While there are many times when I need someone to go through the fight with me, my prayer is that I will be able to help others in their fight as well.

.

For now, I'm going to finish off that Hershey with almonds bar I have in my freezer. 

Thanks for reading.

Happy Birthday Baby.

Today my darling first born girl turns 12.

The last year before those dreaded teen years. 

When I look at her I wonder how it is possible that I've had her for 12 years already.  Yet, at the same time, I hardly remember what my life looked like without her in it.  

Her entry into the world was a rough one.  She was whisked away to the NICU moments after her birth.  I had just one moment to kiss her on the head before  Hubby and I watched our tiny baby being rushed away.  My Darling had come out not breathing.  She had some form of aspiration pneumonia.  They believed she had opened her mouth too soon and inhaled fluid.

 Hubby got a Polaroid instant camera(digital cameras weren't common place yet) and took pictures so I could see our new baby (I had health issues of my own and was not allowed out of bed). She stayed in the NICU with tubes and wires attached to her tiny body for 5 days.  I felt very blessed to be bringing  her home healthy at the end of that fifth day.

I clearly remember those first days at home with her.  I thought I was prepared, but I found that being a mother was looking a bit differently than I had imagined.  After Darling's first bath I was struggling to put an octopus my tiny squirmy baby into her gown.  I sat on the floor crying, because I couldn't do it.  "What kind of a mother am I that I can't even put my baby into a gown?!!  My kid is DOOMED!"  I screamed at myself( I was a bit hormonal).  Right at that moment Hubby's grandma was knocking at my door.  She walked in and saw I had just given Darling a bath.  Anxious to meet her, she scooped Darling up and (completely effortlessly) put the gown on my baby.  Then she smelled her head, and said she just loves the way babies smell.

I have to say, I agree with her.  

My sister called me every day just to check in on me.   She would say things like "It's OK if she cries" and "I don't care WHERE she fell asleep, leave her there.  NEVER wake a sleeping baby!"

Eventually I became quite skilled at putting gowns on my tiny squirmy octopus baby.  We muddled through her first year with little sleep and  many Dr. appts. because she wasn't growing quickly enough for Dr.'s liking.

I got into the mothering groove as the days went on, but things were not calm at our house after we brought Darling home.  She was an active baby, an active toddler,an active preschooler...-you get the point.

 I have learned so much from parenting her.

 I thought I knew how to parent.  I had worked with children at church from age 11.  I had been trained in child development from the age of 16.  I had went to college and studied Family Life for goodness sake!  I was heading into this parenting gig prepared.

Do you ever look back in hindsight at yourself and laugh at your own ignorance?

Yea, I do that a lot.  Especially when I think of parenting.

Darling proved that even the most tried and true behavior techniques were capable of failing.  All the books in all the world could not prepare me to parent this child.

Because of the issues we have faced since Darling entered our lives, I have learned many things.  I have become less judgmental  of other parents and their children.  I have become more understanding of the needs of children whose lives are affected by physical/mental conditions they can not control.  Instead of nodding my head in pious pity at the poor unprepared mother whose child is acting like a maniac in the store, I now think "Praise God my children are at home with Hubby, or that could very well be me right now."

In short, I have learned a great deal, and am still learning more every day.   It's been good.  It's been difficult.  And it's been good again.

When I think of the six years ahead of us before she reaches official "grown-up" status, I can't help but think I'm going to continue learning.  I can't help but wonder how this whole thing will turn out.  How much therapy will my poor Darling need from the multiple times I do the wrong thing?  These (and many others) are the things that roll through my mind.  Things that are not much different- I hope I suppose- than things that go through most parents' minds.

I sit here today watching her make bottle cap necklaces with a kit we bought her for her birthday.  I thought it wasn't that long ago when I bought her games like these.

Now those games are gone to make way for jewelry making kits.  While sometimes I miss playing the Chutes and Ladders game of yesterday with her, I am embracing the Diary of a Wimpy Kid game of today.

Excuse me while I bust into a chorus of "Sunrise, Sunset".  (My sister and I do this often).

 And as I watch my heart grow up beside me, I can't help but feel a bit of sadness for those days past.  At  the same time, I'm excited for the days ahead as she continues to grow into the person God has created her to be.

Proverbs 22:6
Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.


My prayer is that I will be mindful of her path, and effective in directing her to it.

3 months old

                                                                               now


Happy 12 years my Darling.  I love you more than you will ever know.

Thanks for reading.

Vacation

No man needs a vacation so much as the person who has just had one.-Elbert Hubbard

Trying to find time to write is difficult.  Finding time to write this week-impossible.   

Hubby's been on vacation this past week.  This means that we have been spending our week having some much needed family-focus time and  doing lots of family activities.  We didn't travel too far from home, but we crammed lots of activity into 5 short days. 

Whew, I'm exhausted! and there are still two very full days ahead of me. 

Yesterday we all went to Cedar Point.  Cedar Point is an amazing amusement park filled with a variety of rides, games, and terribly expensive, unhealthy delightful food.  Everyone gets excited about a trip to Cedar Point.  It's a great time, for most people.

I, however, have Panic disorder.  Trips like these often send me into a hyper-ventilating mess of tears and frustration.  I find myself in an irrational state and am unable to think clearly or calm down.  What's worse, I think, is that I know I'm irrational, but am still not able to "snap out of it" so to speak.  Thankfully, I have Mama(my mom in law) to talk me down from the ledge on a regular basis, and really good medication or I'd never go anywhere!  For Those of you who have suffered from anxiety disorders and panic attacks, you know what I'm talking about.  Those of you who have not, be grateful.  They suck.  

So, in preparation for our Cedar Point trip, I made sure I had proper medication and I also called in "the big guns" (i.e. called my Mama to pray-a lot-for our day). 

The day went well, in spite of the fact that we left our lunches at home.  Yup.  All that preparation in making the best lunches ever were for nothing.  I had the best lunches and snacks ready, and several bottles of refreshing water-some of which I froze to keep the rest cold all ready to go.  *sigh*   We realized we left it at home when we pulled into the Cedar Point parking lot and went to grab the bag.  It was then I realized that I was going to have to take out a second mortgage on our home to pay for buy all of our food at Cedar Point for the day.  OUCH!  Oh well.  Hubby's response was "well, at least we remembered all the kids."  Yea, he's got a way of looking at the bright side.  :)

It was still a great day!   I was only anxious a few hundred times, but the anxiety I did have was mild in comparison to most days.  That, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call a successful trip!  Hubby and the children and I had a wonderful day together, laughing and screaming and laughing some more.   Hubby's sister and niece hung out with us as well, which really added to the fun. 

It really was a good day.

Hubby's niece purchased her dream souvenir-a large cup in the shape of Snoopy.  My sis-in-law enjoyed some frozen custard(a favorite treat of hers).  My oldest Darling went on her first "big" coaster with her daddy.  My sweet pea went on a few smaller coaster rides, and my last little guy rode his first "kiddie" coaster.  Hubby got his chocolate covered frozen banana and I got a key chain with my last little guy and I on a roller coaster. 

I'm thankful for the prayers, because God really was gracious to our family yesterday.  And in my weakness of anxiety and panic, His strength in me was strong. 

In the grand scope of life, having a panic free day at Cedar Point isn't by far the most important thing perhaps.  But having a panic free day at Cedar Point to make happy memories with my family is important to me.  God showing His grace and help to me in such a seemingly small thing shows me that He cares about those things that concern me, even if they are not mountain moving, earth shaking things. 

So friends, I hope that you also will seek God in everything you do.  Not only praying for the "big things" or "grand ideas", not only watching for His hand in the larger scale activities of your life, but in everything.  For sometimes it is those little moments, where you smile when you would otherwise be afraid, that you find God really is ever present with His children.

Thanks for reading.

sigh of relief

I just got off the phone with Auntie V, and she's doing much better.  It looks like there are no blockages in her arteries.  They did several tests and determined that the intense pain was caused by a reaction between the steriods she's taking (for treatment of meniere's disease) and her pacemaker (which she's named Randolph).  She heads off to the DR. today for follow up. 

I am breathing a giant sigh of relief this morning, and thanking God for an answer to prayer.

Thanks to all of you who prayed. 


Psalm 26:7

Today I am making my voice of thanksgiving heard and telling of His wondrous works.
God is good. All the time

Auntie V

It's funny how things happen sometimes.

Earlier today I was thinking about (finally) getting back to the blog.  I had some things swirling around in my head.  I had decided to write about my Auntie V.  I found a plaque that she had given me when I was a little girl, and I brought it downstairs and took a picture of it to share with you all.

She will be 80 years old in December, but you'd never know it.  She's as feisty as a 40 year old, and as zany as a gypsy.  She lives in southwest KY in a little town. 

We have plans to drive down for a visit in October. 

My mom called me about an hour ago and told me that Auntie V  had a heart attack today and is in the hospital.  We don't know any more than that.  This isn't her first one.  She had open heart surgery a number of years ago, and she had a heart attack a few months ago.  She had a pacemaker put in at that time. 
I had called her on Saturday to wish her a Happy Mother's Day, and when I talked to her, she told me she wasn't feeling well.  I didn't realize how sick she really was.  I guess she didn't either.

I'm going to go ahead and write what I had swirling around in my head earlier today-before I knew Auntie V had another heart attack.  But I do have to say, it sure is strange how things happen sometimes.

I have the best Aunt ever. 

She is my buddy.  My life-long pal.  My zany-laugh at the strangest times-eat frozen yogurt with-get lost EVERY TIME we'd go anywhere together-animal loving Auntie.   Anyone who has ever spent any time with her would agree she's a one-of-a-kind.

The children in her Sunday School class(yes, she still teaches Sunday School) introduce her as "weird" or "crazy".  That's why they love her so much.  She will say "I love weird and I love crazy, but I love weird more than crazy."  She's a quirky one.

She always had time for me.

  Growing up, she and I were together a lot.  I would go over to her house on Sunday afternoons and play with all of her knick-knack animals.

I often refer to her as the Queen of Knick-knacks.  She has a ridiculous amount of them.

She has two grandchildren around my age, and we would often spend the night at her house together.  She would take us shopping at Woolworth.  My parents always gave me a few dollars to buy something and Auntie V would say,
 "Why don't you let me hold that money for you so you don't lose it."
"I won't lose it." I would reply.

Yeah, I lost it.  Several times.  She'd still buy me a little something anyway.

At night, all of us kids would be on the floor in our sleeping bags and she would tell us scary stories.  She'd make sure to tell our favorite one too.  And we would jump every time at the end, even though we knew what was coming. 

I stayed with her a lot growing up.  We would eat frozen yogurt for breakfast.  And lunch.  And dinner. 

She taught me the joy of helping others.
She would take me with her to the nursing home to minister to people there.  She brought me along to help her clean for a sick friend.  She taught me how to serve others in the kitchen at church and down in the Baptist Center kitchen in Detroit. 

She taught me how to look past the outside appearance of others, and not to judge.  Instead, she would say, love them, and look past all that and look into their heart.   

She was not afraid to knock me down a peg or two if I started to get "too big for my britches".  In other words, no prideful attitudes allowed.  Stay humble before the Lord and He will lift you up, she would say. 

She didn't treat me like a child.  She treated me like a person.  She let me just be who I was-and I was a strange child-without judgement.  She just let me be.

She taught me the value of a sense of humor.  Even in the most tragic, heartbreaking situations, she and I could always find a way to laugh.

Laughter is good medicine.

Most importantly, she taught me to love.  Love God.  Love others.  Above all other things, love.  Love from your heart, even if you are not loved in return.  Love.

I am so grateful for the things she has taught me.  I am grateful for the way she taught me as well.  She was never condescending-as though she was so wise and I was so small.  Never.  We were both people who were walking out this life with the Lord and we could learn from each other.  She never lectured.  She didn't have to.  I heard her message by her actions.

That's the beauty of being an Auntie, you can be a pal instead of a parent.

We've stayed buddies for all these years.  We still talk(and talk and talk...) on the phone regularly and I just soak up every last minute I can get.  We still laugh at the silliest things, and she still brings joy to my heart. 

I think Aunties are a special kind of thing.  As an Auntie, you get the chance to love and play and have fun and give frozen yogurt treats for breakfast.  Lunch.  And Dinner.  You can tell things to your Auntie that maybe you can't tell anyone else.  She can be your pal while teaching you things you aren't even aware that your learning. 

It wasn't until years later that I realized all the things I had learned from my Auntie V.

She gave me this plaque when I was a kid, because she said the little girl looked just like I did, and she loved the little poem.

It says:
God made little girls...
to laugh and dance and sing
with laughing eyes and bouncing curls,
with joyful hearts and infectious smile,
enchanting ways and feminine wiles.
For the world, when seen thru a little girl's eyes
greatly resembles paradise.

Whether you are an Auntie, or a friend who is like an Auntie, never forget the impact your kindness will have on a child.  Remember that they will watch and listen and learn from you. 

Teach them to love.  It makes all the difference.

Thanks for reading.