The Search for Change

Because we are the Body of the Wounded Healer and we are the people who believe the impossible— that wounds can be openings to the beauty in us.  We’re the people who say: there’s no shame saying that your heart and head are broken because there’s a Doctor in the house. It’s the wisest and the bravest who cry for help when lost.  There’s no stigma in saying you’re sick because there’s a wounded Healer who uses nails to buy freedom and crosses to resurrect hope and medicine to make miracles.  There’s no guilt in mental illness because depression is a kind of cancer that attacks the mind. You don’t shame cancer, you treat cancer. You don’t treat those with hurting insides as less than. You get them the most treatment.-Ann Voskamp


May is Mental Health Awareness Month.   Can I get WOO HOO?  Yea, not so much, right?   Who wants to bring to attention those ugly things that attack our minds?   Too often we turn away from people, and sometimes even ourselves, who are plagued with mental illness.  We would never say to a man with a broken leg, "Hey, you.  I want you to run" and then criticize him because he didn't  run fast enough, balanced enough, or well enough.  And yet we say to others whose minds are just as broken, "Hey, don't feel that way" or "just count your blessings" or worse yet "You are a Christian, you're not supposed to be this way."    Oh, I think we mean well, we just don't necessarily want to get our hands dirty.  I'm certainly not suggesting that everyone get involved in helping people who suffer with mental illness.   Not everyone is cut out for that.  What I am suggesting is that we, as a society, and especially as those who are believers in Christ, stop drawing our own conclusions and sitting in judgement of things we just don't understand.   And maybe extend a little grace and kindness to those who are suffering, rather than more blame and shame on them for a condition they can't control.

On my way home from a Dr. appointment, in utter frustration, I called my sister.  I cried and yelled and told her how it wasn't fair, how I didn't want to take medicine my whole life long because I couldn't control my mind.  I told her I don't mind taking medicine for my stomach, because that's physical, but this...this is because I'm crazy?!   Why can't I just be better, just make myself not go up and down like a yo-yo,  Just not have panic attacks,  just go places and live my life without this constant inner turmoil and struggle to live??   Everyone's going to see that I'm different.  They are going to say it's all my fault that I'm like this"   And She, being her, said "SO WHAT!  They don't know you, it doesn't matter what they think.  And just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not broken."    Yes.  She's right.    Just because we can't see it, doesn't mean it's not broken.

Some days are hard and I wish I were anyone but me.  I wish I were strong and brave and free.  I down right wish myself away and pray for a better girl, a better wife, a better friend, and a better mother to come in and take my place.   I wrote this down one day when I was searching for change, desperate to rid myself of some of the yuck-that is me.   Instead, I found a grace large enough to cover all of who I am.   I believe in a God who heals, and I believe in a God who covers us with grace while He does the healing in His time.  And in the meantime...His grace is sufficient for me and His strength is made perfect in my weakness, so I'm going to fly my freak flag high and proud about my weakness, because it's then that His power rests on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9-paraphrased-pretty sure 'flying my freak flag' isn't in any version...yet).  Let us be aware of those who are buckling under the weight of a broken mind, and offer them the One who heals our wounds with His own. 

The Search for Change

I went and stood outside in the sun
Hoping to quench the darkness
Hoping its rays would warm the chill
I stood there awhile
But the darkness was too deep
The chill was too cold
I stood in the sun unchanged

I went and stood outside in the wind
Hoping to rid myself of the gnawing guilt
Hoping its gale would blow away my failings
I stood there awhile
But the guilt was too heavy
My failings too many
I stood in the wind unchanged

I went and stood outside in the rain
Hoping to drowned  the shame
Hoping the downpour would wash away who I am
I stood there awhile
But the torrent wasn't enough to loosen the grip
Shame had attached itself too tightly
I stood in the rain unchanged

I went and stood under a tree on a hill
Hoping it would illuminate the darkness
Hoping it would take away the guilt and shame
I stood there awhile
Grace poured down and saturated the darkness, guilt and shame
Grace that was brighter, stronger and heavier than all I had become
I stood at the cross forever changed.

Thanks for reading.

In the interest of fair reporting...

Before becoming a mother I had a hundred theories on how to bring up children.  Now I have seven children and only one theory:  Love them, especially when they least deserve to be loved.-Kate Samperi

Wasn't it just yesterday I posted about how great it was to be a mother??  The one where I was completely sappy concerning the joys of motherhood and how grateful I am to have this time with my children-I swear that was just yesterday!

Yea, I think it was, and didn't I  mentioned all the  things that I had learned since becoming a mother?

 I think I forgot one.  Restraint.  Yup, today I realized that I have learned to restrain myself from pulling a "Joseph's brothers act" and selling my children to the first band of Egyptians riding by.  Then again, maybe I wouldn't have had such restraint had an actual band of Egyptians passed by...

Well, either way I still have all my children with me in spite of them being uncooperative, argumentative, demanding and in all other ways behaving like CHILDREN today. (can you imagine? Children behaving like children.  Really!).  Well, lest you erroneously  think that we are just one happy flowery bundle of love all. the. time. around here, allow me to enlighten you.   Today I felt like this little guy.

I was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.* And the children seemed to be having one too.  We were quite the group today.  We let  all our uglies and undesirables hang out today.  Not anyone's finest hour.  But thankfully the day is almost over and soon I will resemble this woman.

Tomorrow is a fresh new day and we will all get a fresh new start.  A clean slate.  A do-over.  Hallelujah!


Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed because his compassions fail not.  They are new every morning.  Great is Your faithfulness-Lamentations 3:22-23

I, for one, am glad we have a new chance with each sunrise.   Love, after all, does cover a multitude of "uglies".  And we do all love each other, even when none of us, myself included, are exhibiting behavior deserving of love. Sometimes that's when we need  love the most-even though it seems what we need is a kick in the...well, anyway, that's why we need to be continuously filled with God's perfect unconditional love to pour out on one another.  Then we can love each other in spite of those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days.  

Sometimes things just do not go as planned, or as desired, or as anything resembling acceptable.  But "mom says some days are like that, even in Australia".*

Thanks for reading

²
*The book quotes and little boy pic. come from this book.  An excellent children's book about bad days.

Never Alone

To all my friends out there who feel alone in their struggle with  depression, this  message is for you.

You are not Alone

I see you sitting in the darkness alone
I see you wipe the tears from your face
I see the regret you hold your heart
I see the things time could not erase

I hear when you say "I'm not enough"
I hear when you say "I can not go on"
I hear your heart cry for some other way
I hear when you say "I'm already gone"

I feel the desperate beat of your heart
I feel the pain of the way that you live
I feel the discouragement that shadows your soul
I feel the burden as you work to forgive

I know that you so often feel powerless
I know that you feel you should've been strong
I know that you feel you should have done more
I know that you think that you are so wrong

I see you and hear you, you are never alone
I am here with you bearing the weight
I feel your desperation and know all your longings
I know that you're broken, but  it's never too late

Hold onto me, and stay in my love
Hold onto the ones who love you for you
Hold onto the truth that you have been taught
Hold onto my hand, and I will bring you through.


Isaiah 41:13
“For I am the LORD your God, who upholds your right hand,
Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’

Comfort in a song

I have had it with this past week. 

I mean it. 

I'm glad it's over and even more glad that it's never coming back.

Good riddance evil week.

What made this past week so awful, you ask?  Well, nothing in particular.

 Just your garden variety of disappointments, pressures, frustrations, unpleasant surprises, things I HATE don't like to deal with,  attitudes, rudeness, mouth pain, dentist appointments,  and and and...

In short- life.

As I was driving today an old song from my CD started playing.

Come, ye weary, heavy laden, lost and ruined by the fall,
If you tarry 'til you're better, you will never come at all.

Come, ye sinner, poor and needy, weak and wounded, sick and sore,
Jesus ready stands to save you, full of pity, love, and power.

Oh yes, this is the song I needed.
I have been so weary with the busy nature of our lives.   I have been heavy laden with the pressures of schooling and parenting the children.  I have fallen out of grace and become lost due to my lack of understanding concerning some situations. 

I considered praying about it.  But I didn't think these were big enough problems to take to Jesus.  I could probably handle these little things.

 I thought I could  shake it off.

Pull myself together.

Stop, drop and roll or something. 

It was like I was saying, "No, that's  OK God, I got this."

Only I didn't. 

Not at all. 

I am starting to realize that if I wait  until I am better-until I can fix those things that are bothering me- to come to the Lord, I am never going to go to Him at all. 

After this week, I'm feeling  weak and wounded, sick and sore.  I would really like to just go lay down in a large hole and cover myself.

Hide myself away from everyone and everything.

I have found myself in desperate need of the saving power and love of Jesus.

So I sang along with the chorus, and starting to think that putting these words into practice might just be a good idea.  I also started to think that maybe-just maybe-God was trying to tell me something through this song.

I will arise and go to Jesus, he will embrace me in his arms

In the arms of my dear saviour, oh, there are ten thousand charms.

I wonder if there are any others who-like me- allow all those "little things" we think we can handle to pile up until we are crushed under the weight of them. 

Maybe I'm the only one.

I kinda doubt it though.

Maybe you feel like you can't come to Jesus with a particular thing. 

Maybe you think it's too insignificant. 

Maybe you think it's too shameful. 

Maybe you think there is no solution.

 Maybe a lot of reasons.

But you can arise and go to Jesus and He will embrace you in His arms.

Nothing is too impossible or too insignificant or too anything in between for Him to care about.

I Peter 5:7
Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

So, here I go...

*lyrics are from
 I will arise and go to Jesus
written by Joseph Hart