Butterflies: lessons I've learned from my own backyard

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.  ~Author Unknown

Every summer my children and I raise Monarch caterpillars.  We've done it for several years now, and we have learned a lot about the life cycle of a butterfly.

This year in particular, I've learned some things about my own life by watching my caterpillars.

When a Monarch caterpillar emerges from an egg, it begins to eat right away.  The butterfly lays her eggs on the Milkweed plant to ensure her babies will have what they need (the creamy white spots on the leaves in this picture are monarch eggs).

The caterpillar then begins to eat and eat and eat.  In fact, that's all it does.  Until it's time for growth.  A Monarch caterpillar goes through 5 instar stages of growth before spinning a chrysalis.  With each stage the caterpillar will go off the milkweed and find a place on its own.  It may not eat for a day or two while it wiggles out of its previous skin and waits for its new skin to harden and mold itself to the caterpillar.

 (That little black pile is the caterpillar's previous skin)

The caterpillar's appearance changes dramatically in those 5 instar stages.

from so tiny you can barely see it-1st instar stage.(bottom right)

To big fat and full of color-5th instar stage














The thing I found most interesting is that after each molt, they don't simply leave their old skin behind.  They eat it.  Yup.  EAT it.  Their skin contains protein that aids them in growing stronger.

I thought about that.   I wondered then if I too might become stronger if I "ate" that skin I've grown out of, instead of trying to crawl away from it and never think about it again.  With every heartbreak, loss and broken place in our lives,  comes a chance to take those very hard, empty, broken things  and allow God to use them  to strengthen us.

 If I believe in the redeeming quality of God (and I do) I have to then believe that He will use every thing I go through-no matter how difficult- to change me, to help me become stronger.

On this journey to complete metamorphosis, there are going to be times when I have to grow, and change, and wiggle out of the person I was and wait for my new "skin" to mold itself to me and harden.  Those times are seldom easy and never comfortable.  And after the process is done, I need a little recovery time while I wait and become molded into the new stage of my life.  But once I've adjusted I go on, stronger than before and continue to feed on His Word and continue to grow.  And if I turn around and "eat" that old skin, it becomes a part of me.  But now instead of being a weakness, it is making me stronger.   Yes, that skin no longer fits me, but it is still a part of who I am.   God uses it for His glory and my certain good.

Once a caterpillar has reached its last days in the final instar stage, it climbs up to a safe place and makes a chrysalis.  It stays still inside for 10-14 days.

While inside the caterpillar changes completely.  As it gets closer to the time it will emerge, you can see right through the chrysalis at what's inside.

Once the work is complete, the monarch emerges looking completely different than when he began his life journey.

 (This one is male-you can tell because he has two black dots on his wings)

When we release the monarchs every year and I watch them fly away into the purpose for which they were created,  I can't help but smile.  I feel so grateful that I was able to be with them through each and every stage of their lives.   I love to watch them grow and change through every stage.  And I love most of all when the day comes and I set them free.

I wonder if God smiles as He watches us fly into the life that He has designed for us.  I believe He does.

Whether we are in our "instar" growing stages or our "chrysalis" waiting period or our "emerging adult" stage flying in our God given purpose, God is ever working to change us to become more like Him.  And while each stage brings with it challenges and difficulties, we rejoice in knowing that He makes all those things work out for our good.

 He is so good.  All the time.

Thanks for reading.

*all photos in this post were taken from my home.  They are all of Monarchs that my children and I have raised.  Most are from this season, but a few are from past years.

Although dead, she is still speaking...

It was by faith that Abel brought a more acceptable offering to God than Cain did. Abel's offering gave evidence that he was a righteous man, and God showed his approval of his gifts. Although Abel is long dead, he still speaks to us by his example of faith-Hebrews 11:4


Two years ago I said 'Goodbye" to an incredible woman of faith.  Mama Paula was an exemplary example of faith even in midst of tremendous pain and suffering.  Her faith in the sovereign plan of God never wavered, no matter what circumstances she found herself in.  I remember her saying so often "I don't know what the Lord's doing, but He's doing something, and He is good."   She had faith that God was in control, no matter what, and she intended to praise Him with her whole heart.  

 She  battled cancer with such grace and faith.  She was so full of the love of Christ, that many times when she was in the hospital she would pray for others.  Even in the midst of tremendous pain in her body, she was more concerned for those around her.  Everywhere she went she shared the love of Jesus.  Always. 

She opened her heart and home to me, and asked for nothing in return.  When she first met me, I had nothing to offer.  I was a hot mess with a side of crazy.  She brought me in and loved me through all the messiness that was my life.   She was a caring, practical, and often times just plain silly woman, whose unwavering faith in God continues to be an example to the many of us she left behind.  She loved with her whole heart right up until the time she took her last breath.   She was my friend, my sister in Christ, my Mama and I miss her more than I could ever put into words.


She's been gone two years this Wednesday, and I feel like the whole planet should just stop moving for just a minute and remember her time on earth.  She was so special, not just to me, but to so many.  She influenced the lives of many people by loving them, and praying with them and bringing them to Jesus.   I know that although she is no longer with us here on earth, the words she spoke, the way she loved and her example of faith lives on in the lives of those of us who knew her.

This week I intend to honor her memory by doing some of the things that she taught me. I'm going to eat Malt-O Meal for breakfast (she used to make it for me when I lived with her).  I am going to believe in faith for an answer to prayer that I have not seen happen yet.  I'm going to show the love of Jesus to others.  I'm going to get down on the floor and be silly with my kids.   I'm going to read my children the book she gave me called "Just in Case You Ever Wonder" by Max Lucado.   I'm going to praise God no matter how I feel, because-just like she told me so many times-He is good and worthy to be praised.  I'm going to be thankful for the time I had her in my life, and I'm going to give thanks to Jesus that He made a way so I can see her again one day.  


A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble.-Charles Spurgeon

Yes, Mama Paula, you have carved your name on many hearts.   We all are better for it, and we will never forget what you've taught us.


I love you Mama Paula.  For ever and for always.  


This is a photo Cricket, Mama Paula, and I at a New Year's party in 2009.   

Thanks for reading.

What a mighty good man...

"I know that ain't nobody perfect, I give props to those who deserve it, 
And believe me y'all he's worth it. 
So here's to the future 'cause we got through the past, 
I finally found somebody who can make me laugh. (ha ha ha) 
You so crazy...i think I wanna have yo baby

Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man!"-Whatta Man

Today I just want to give a shout out to my hubby who has really "taken the reins" in the cooking/kid caring for department since I started this whole working part-time 3rd shift madness.  He's endured limited clean laundry, an unbelievable unorganized house in major disarray,  and extra crazy wife (and really, there's enough crazy when I'm NOT working 3rds, let alone screwing up my sleep schedule).  

Today this old song came to mind.  It came out in the early 90s by groups Salt 'n' Pepa and En Vogue.  I actually loved both groups as a teen/young adult(what?  Don't judge me ok?).   Much of the lyrics are... lets just say less than wholesome,  but that "Whatta man whatta man whatta man whatta mighty good man" chorus is one that stays stuck in your head for days.  In fact, I'll bet if any of you reading this post remember this song, you're singing now aren't ya??  

Yea, that's what I thought.  

Knowing I have limited dietary choices due to a chronic stomach condition,  Hubby has made sure that I have plenty of protein drinks and mashed potatoes available for me to take to work.  He has also made sure my coffee supply is amply stocked and that I always have a Coke Zero to take to work- all things that would fall by the wayside.  Although I try to keep up on my days off, the kids' activities and other duties keep me busy and I find when I finally have a minute to breath, I'm just too dang unmotivated to get to that laundry and cooking too.  Hubby  has been grilling and smoking meat this summer and the kids are LOVIN' dad's cooking.

He's made sure that the kids are having fun too.  Even though we aren't going away on vacation anywhere this summer, he's making sure to pack in their days with extra stuff.  He's taken them 4-wheeling and for ice cream lots this summer.  And of course he put up (and keeps up on) the pool in the backyard for them.  Yea, he's the fun parent for sure.  

I'm not always a barrel of fun.  I have lots of days where I just can't bring myself to do much of anything-let alone fun stuff.  Anxiety definitely gets the best me more often than not.  Hubby stands by me through the worst panic attacks and deepest depression and celebrates the good days we have together.   Hubby doesn't lecture me on how I should be better.  He doesn't make me feel like a loser- he knows I'm already hard enough on myself.  He doesn't offer lame platitudes like "cheer up, it's not so bad" or "just be thankful" or any of those other sayings that make someone suffering from anxiety/depression feel more worthless.  He doesn't try to "fix" me either-I think he knows that's an impossible task.  He just lets me be. 

 He's not perfect-no one is.  But he's a mighty good man.  And I'm thankful that God has given him to me to walk out this life together.  

So this verse goes out to you babe.  In my best black-girl voice I'm singing this for you today...

Spends quality time with his kids when he can. 

secure in his manhood 'cause he's a real man.

 a lover, and a fighter, and he'll knock another out. 

Don't take him for a sucka, 'cause it's not what he's about. 

Everytime I need him, he always got my back.

 Never dis- respectful, 'cause his momma taught him that. 

I gotta good man

Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man!"-Whatta Man

Thanks for reading

High Anxiety

A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety.-Aesop

I am going to be completely honest with you all.  Transparent, raw and no holds barred kind of honest.  I'm going to talk a bit about anxiety today.  My hope is that by being honest and open about my own struggles, someone may stumble across this blog post and know they are not alone, and that it may give more understanding to those who know someone who struggles with anxiety.  

Because too often there is a stigma that goes along with those suffering from mental disorders-especially within the christian community.   They feel alone and isolated, often not wanting to share their struggle with anyone for fear of being thought of as "crazy" and a "bad christian".  

This is for you who suffer from anxiety and those who know you.  We are not crazy, just broken.  And I have to believe that Jesus died to heal all of our brokenness.  Sometimes it's nothing more than deciding that you are worth the time and effort it takes to get better.  Never give up.  There is hope.  Here is only a piece of my own struggle...

Anxiety.  It is a wicked taskmaster.  It is one that demands complete and utter control of your mind and leaves you, at the end of each day, empty and useless.  It wants you to fix problems that are impossible to fix, keep everyone and everything safe from unseen danger, and tells you at the end of it all that you have failed miserably and surely there will be consequences for your failure.  It is the beginning and end of a cycle of fear/trying to fight the fear/being overcome by fear/depression/then back to fear.  

Those of you who know me know that I have spent the majority of my years living with varying degrees of anxiety.  Sometimes it's manageable, mild enough to get by with minimal repercussions.  In times like these most people would have no idea that I am a slave to anxiety.  Other times it is so debilitating that I can not function, I avoid all that is possible for me to avoid and my mind races at a hundred miles per minute.  It leaves me, at the end of the day, swallowing a pill to ease my mind and wondering if life is  worth living at all.  And so the cycle continues.  It steals all joy, all purpose, and all energy leaving me depleted and defeated.  

I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder (DUH thank you Captain Obvious).    There is a difference in being anxious for a season or about some specific things and living in a state of constant, continual anxiety.    To be honest, I almost can't remember a time when I wasn't ruled by anxiety-it's been so long ago.  I can't really remember when I have had "fun" doing things.  I am happy and satisfied when I am with my family doing "fun" activities, but anxiety steals the "fun" right out of your life.  Instead of enjoying the moment, you worry about what is going to happen, what danger lies around every turn, if everyone else is having a good time, what more you could do to make the day better and on and on it goes.  I try to turn my thoughts around, but it's like anxiety is so strong it just takes over my mind and physical body as well.  It defies all logic and reasoning.  It's like being in a constant state of "fight or flight" and it is exhausting.  


I do my very best to hide my anxiety and try to appear "normal".   I smile appropriately, laugh, joke and do my best to engage in whatever activity is taking place. Then come the panic attacks, when  my body can take the anxiety no longer and it literally "freaks out".  It becomes difficult to hide my anxiety when I am hyperventilating and my heart is racing, and my body is shaking, and I can't breath.  Yea, it is NOT a pretty picture.  It is rather embarrassing unless I can find a place to hide until it passes.  I find it hard to explain to people who find me in such a state.  


Then comes the condemnation.  You wonder what in the world is wrong with you that you can not seem to handle what everyone else in the world handles with no problem.  You are a believer in Christ, for goodness sake, you certainly should NOT be overtaken by fear.  What kind of a christian are you anyway, what a poor example you are setting, what a terrible representative of Christ you are... 


 So feeling like the biggest disappointment in the entire christian community, I set off to make myself better.  I read books, I "do things afraid" (they say that makes it better-it doesn't) I print off scripture, I sing songs, I declare positive scriptures, I bind, I loose,  I pray, I cry, I ask for help, I try pill after pill after pill, and sometimes one or more of these things will help for a time and I will have a bit of hope.  Then, at the first sign of little sleep or life stress it all falls apart again.   I simply survive.  


I know God works miracles in the lives of people.  I've seen it.  I also know that sometimes He heals things piece by piece, one area at a time. As much as I'd love a miracle of complete turn around in an instant, that has not been how God has dealt with me.   My life has been quite the mess, and He has healed lots of places in my broken heart, little by little.   And I am so thankful for that.  There are still many more, I'm realizing.  And in my effort to put band aids on some of these areas, I have not dealt with the heart of the matter.  But I have to believe that God's timing is perfect and He knows what things to deal with and what things need more time.  


What I know today is that I have become weary of living my life under Anxiety's rule.  It is not a good ruler.  I also know that it may be time to get down to the heart of the matter on some things that cause me to fall under Anxiety's rule instead of the rule of  the Creator of my soul.  I have decided to pursue some avenues in hopes of ridding myself of this wicked taskmaster once and for all.  It is time to thrive instead of just survive.  


If you or someone you love is suffering under Anxiety's tyrant rule, know this: you are not alone.  You are loved by the creator of your soul.  Find some help.  You are worth helping.  You are not too far gone-no one is too far from the arm of the living God.  He loves you, even when you are living in a state of high anxiety.   He wants to rescue you from this evil taskmaster.  He says this in Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

A friend of mine shared this song on her blog.  I listened to  it and so identified with her that day.  I heard her heart and it resonated with my own.  "I want to thrive not just survive".

Here's to hope of thriving.


Thanks for reading.

Mid-life crisis, workin' nights, and Lucky Charms

Hello my friends.

Are any of you still out there?  I'm sorry I've not been around in quite some time.  I can't imagine what you have had to occupy your time without new fresh blog posts from the crazy space I call my mind.  Well, you shall wait no more...  Here's a quick peek at what I've been up to...

First, my darling daughter turned 13.  The magic teenage number.  She has entered the years that parents most dread.   Having a teenager made me feel kinda old.  Yea, that's where it all started...

 A week later, I turned 39.  Yup.  My last year before the big 4-0.  I had a bit of a mid-life crisis of sorts and decided it was high time I got a needle poked through the thick cartilage on my face.  Nothing says "Happy 39th Birthday" quite like getting your nose pierced. 

Did it hurt?, you ask.  You do want to know don't you?  Well, I'm going to tell you. 

YES!!  It hurt.  really bad.  I almost passed out when after the first time the stud went bursting through my nose, I heard the words "aww c'mon"  and watched the drawer open for another set of needles to try again a second time.  He did get it all the way through on the second try.  OUCH.   I survived though.  And I staggered walked out to my family who was waiting for me. 

Oh, did I forget to mention that I took hubby and the three children with me to the body piercing/tattoo shop?  Yea, cuz isn't that what everyone does-takes the fam. with them for piercings?  No?  Well, whatever.  We all know I'm not typical anyway. 

SO once I got in the car, my skin was clammy, I was light headed and I threw up.  Yea, I'm that tough.  But I did it, and that's gotta count on the bravery spectrum somewhere right?? 
So now I have a jewel in my nose.  Yup.  And I'm really looking forward to seeing how that is gonna work when I get my first cold.  Don't worry, I'll be sure to let you know.  You can't wait huh?  Maybe I'll even include pictures. ;)




After my birthday was over, I began looking for a job.  Since I had gotten my STNA license I thought it was high time I use it and go look for part time work.  I found a place that had openings on 3rd shift.  I was hoping for 2nd shift, because I can't work 1st with the kiddos to take care of and all, but 2nd shift would be ideal.  3rd was all they had open at the time, and I thought maybe I could do that.  "Sure you can" I told myself.  No problem.  I had it all planned out.  I would work, then come home and stay awake until the afternoon, then sleep until evening on the days I had to work.  Yea, great theory, great plan, poor execution.  More often than not,  I fall asleep and stay asleep for a grand total of 2 hours or so and then I lay there.  And lay there.  And tell myself "If you don't get some sleep, you're going to be exhausted", and then I close my eyes, determined to fall asleep, and...I just. lay. there.   UGH!  Then I brew a pot of coffee, guzzle it down and go to work.

Work.  Ahhh, now that's a blog story for another day...

Back to 3rd shift...The crazy thing about working 3rd shift is that I literally almost never know what day it is.  Seriously.  Even on the days I don't work, I can't figure out what day it is. I'm not quite sure when or what I'm supposed to eat either.  They give us a "lunch" break, but what does one eat at 2am?  When is breakfast,  lunch and supper?  I can't quite figure it out.  Then, when my shift is over and  I drive home, my eyes start seeing things that I'm pretty sure aren't really there.  Working 3rds is  seriously messing with my thought processes (and we all know my thought processes need  no help in the "messing with" dept.). 

I called my sister (a respiratory therapist)  and told her all about it (she's worked 3rds before) I said "I feel like I'm going to die" She said "YUP-that's how it is".  Oh yay. 

I'm so tired, and I feel old.  And so we are back full circle to the "I'm feeling old" thought process that started this whole mid-life crisis-get a hole in your face-change careers-thing in the first place.  Oi to the Vey.  Seriously. 

Maybe if I eat the kids' cereal I'll feel younger.  Yea, that should help.  How can you feel old while eating cereal with fun shaped marshmallows(which, by the way, I can't chew.  They give me chills when they touch my teeth-weird huh). 

SO the big question is, when exactly do I eat these???  I can't remember when I'm supposed to eat breakfast...






Thanks for reading.