Although dead, she is still speaking...

It was by faith that Abel brought a more acceptable offering to God than Cain did. Abel's offering gave evidence that he was a righteous man, and God showed his approval of his gifts. Although Abel is long dead, he still speaks to us by his example of faith-Hebrews 11:4


Two years ago I said 'Goodbye" to an incredible woman of faith.  Mama Paula was an exemplary example of faith even in midst of tremendous pain and suffering.  Her faith in the sovereign plan of God never wavered, no matter what circumstances she found herself in.  I remember her saying so often "I don't know what the Lord's doing, but He's doing something, and He is good."   She had faith that God was in control, no matter what, and she intended to praise Him with her whole heart.  

 She  battled cancer with such grace and faith.  She was so full of the love of Christ, that many times when she was in the hospital she would pray for others.  Even in the midst of tremendous pain in her body, she was more concerned for those around her.  Everywhere she went she shared the love of Jesus.  Always. 

She opened her heart and home to me, and asked for nothing in return.  When she first met me, I had nothing to offer.  I was a hot mess with a side of crazy.  She brought me in and loved me through all the messiness that was my life.   She was a caring, practical, and often times just plain silly woman, whose unwavering faith in God continues to be an example to the many of us she left behind.  She loved with her whole heart right up until the time she took her last breath.   She was my friend, my sister in Christ, my Mama and I miss her more than I could ever put into words.


She's been gone two years this Wednesday, and I feel like the whole planet should just stop moving for just a minute and remember her time on earth.  She was so special, not just to me, but to so many.  She influenced the lives of many people by loving them, and praying with them and bringing them to Jesus.   I know that although she is no longer with us here on earth, the words she spoke, the way she loved and her example of faith lives on in the lives of those of us who knew her.

This week I intend to honor her memory by doing some of the things that she taught me. I'm going to eat Malt-O Meal for breakfast (she used to make it for me when I lived with her).  I am going to believe in faith for an answer to prayer that I have not seen happen yet.  I'm going to show the love of Jesus to others.  I'm going to get down on the floor and be silly with my kids.   I'm going to read my children the book she gave me called "Just in Case You Ever Wonder" by Max Lucado.   I'm going to praise God no matter how I feel, because-just like she told me so many times-He is good and worthy to be praised.  I'm going to be thankful for the time I had her in my life, and I'm going to give thanks to Jesus that He made a way so I can see her again one day.  


A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble.-Charles Spurgeon

Yes, Mama Paula, you have carved your name on many hearts.   We all are better for it, and we will never forget what you've taught us.


I love you Mama Paula.  For ever and for always.  


This is a photo Cricket, Mama Paula, and I at a New Year's party in 2009.   

Thanks for reading.

What a mighty good man...

"I know that ain't nobody perfect, I give props to those who deserve it, 
And believe me y'all he's worth it. 
So here's to the future 'cause we got through the past, 
I finally found somebody who can make me laugh. (ha ha ha) 
You so crazy...i think I wanna have yo baby

Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man!"-Whatta Man

Today I just want to give a shout out to my hubby who has really "taken the reins" in the cooking/kid caring for department since I started this whole working part-time 3rd shift madness.  He's endured limited clean laundry, an unbelievable unorganized house in major disarray,  and extra crazy wife (and really, there's enough crazy when I'm NOT working 3rds, let alone screwing up my sleep schedule).  

Today this old song came to mind.  It came out in the early 90s by groups Salt 'n' Pepa and En Vogue.  I actually loved both groups as a teen/young adult(what?  Don't judge me ok?).   Much of the lyrics are... lets just say less than wholesome,  but that "Whatta man whatta man whatta man whatta mighty good man" chorus is one that stays stuck in your head for days.  In fact, I'll bet if any of you reading this post remember this song, you're singing now aren't ya??  

Yea, that's what I thought.  

Knowing I have limited dietary choices due to a chronic stomach condition,  Hubby has made sure that I have plenty of protein drinks and mashed potatoes available for me to take to work.  He has also made sure my coffee supply is amply stocked and that I always have a Coke Zero to take to work- all things that would fall by the wayside.  Although I try to keep up on my days off, the kids' activities and other duties keep me busy and I find when I finally have a minute to breath, I'm just too dang unmotivated to get to that laundry and cooking too.  Hubby  has been grilling and smoking meat this summer and the kids are LOVIN' dad's cooking.

He's made sure that the kids are having fun too.  Even though we aren't going away on vacation anywhere this summer, he's making sure to pack in their days with extra stuff.  He's taken them 4-wheeling and for ice cream lots this summer.  And of course he put up (and keeps up on) the pool in the backyard for them.  Yea, he's the fun parent for sure.  

I'm not always a barrel of fun.  I have lots of days where I just can't bring myself to do much of anything-let alone fun stuff.  Anxiety definitely gets the best me more often than not.  Hubby stands by me through the worst panic attacks and deepest depression and celebrates the good days we have together.   Hubby doesn't lecture me on how I should be better.  He doesn't make me feel like a loser- he knows I'm already hard enough on myself.  He doesn't offer lame platitudes like "cheer up, it's not so bad" or "just be thankful" or any of those other sayings that make someone suffering from anxiety/depression feel more worthless.  He doesn't try to "fix" me either-I think he knows that's an impossible task.  He just lets me be. 

 He's not perfect-no one is.  But he's a mighty good man.  And I'm thankful that God has given him to me to walk out this life together.  

So this verse goes out to you babe.  In my best black-girl voice I'm singing this for you today...

Spends quality time with his kids when he can. 

secure in his manhood 'cause he's a real man.

 a lover, and a fighter, and he'll knock another out. 

Don't take him for a sucka, 'cause it's not what he's about. 

Everytime I need him, he always got my back.

 Never dis- respectful, 'cause his momma taught him that. 

I gotta good man

Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man!"-Whatta Man

Thanks for reading

High Anxiety

A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety.-Aesop

I am going to be completely honest with you all.  Transparent, raw and no holds barred kind of honest.  I'm going to talk a bit about anxiety today.  My hope is that by being honest and open about my own struggles, someone may stumble across this blog post and know they are not alone, and that it may give more understanding to those who know someone who struggles with anxiety.  

Because too often there is a stigma that goes along with those suffering from mental disorders-especially within the christian community.   They feel alone and isolated, often not wanting to share their struggle with anyone for fear of being thought of as "crazy" and a "bad christian".  

This is for you who suffer from anxiety and those who know you.  We are not crazy, just broken.  And I have to believe that Jesus died to heal all of our brokenness.  Sometimes it's nothing more than deciding that you are worth the time and effort it takes to get better.  Never give up.  There is hope.  Here is only a piece of my own struggle...

Anxiety.  It is a wicked taskmaster.  It is one that demands complete and utter control of your mind and leaves you, at the end of each day, empty and useless.  It wants you to fix problems that are impossible to fix, keep everyone and everything safe from unseen danger, and tells you at the end of it all that you have failed miserably and surely there will be consequences for your failure.  It is the beginning and end of a cycle of fear/trying to fight the fear/being overcome by fear/depression/then back to fear.  

Those of you who know me know that I have spent the majority of my years living with varying degrees of anxiety.  Sometimes it's manageable, mild enough to get by with minimal repercussions.  In times like these most people would have no idea that I am a slave to anxiety.  Other times it is so debilitating that I can not function, I avoid all that is possible for me to avoid and my mind races at a hundred miles per minute.  It leaves me, at the end of the day, swallowing a pill to ease my mind and wondering if life is  worth living at all.  And so the cycle continues.  It steals all joy, all purpose, and all energy leaving me depleted and defeated.  

I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder (DUH thank you Captain Obvious).    There is a difference in being anxious for a season or about some specific things and living in a state of constant, continual anxiety.    To be honest, I almost can't remember a time when I wasn't ruled by anxiety-it's been so long ago.  I can't really remember when I have had "fun" doing things.  I am happy and satisfied when I am with my family doing "fun" activities, but anxiety steals the "fun" right out of your life.  Instead of enjoying the moment, you worry about what is going to happen, what danger lies around every turn, if everyone else is having a good time, what more you could do to make the day better and on and on it goes.  I try to turn my thoughts around, but it's like anxiety is so strong it just takes over my mind and physical body as well.  It defies all logic and reasoning.  It's like being in a constant state of "fight or flight" and it is exhausting.  


I do my very best to hide my anxiety and try to appear "normal".   I smile appropriately, laugh, joke and do my best to engage in whatever activity is taking place. Then come the panic attacks, when  my body can take the anxiety no longer and it literally "freaks out".  It becomes difficult to hide my anxiety when I am hyperventilating and my heart is racing, and my body is shaking, and I can't breath.  Yea, it is NOT a pretty picture.  It is rather embarrassing unless I can find a place to hide until it passes.  I find it hard to explain to people who find me in such a state.  


Then comes the condemnation.  You wonder what in the world is wrong with you that you can not seem to handle what everyone else in the world handles with no problem.  You are a believer in Christ, for goodness sake, you certainly should NOT be overtaken by fear.  What kind of a christian are you anyway, what a poor example you are setting, what a terrible representative of Christ you are... 


 So feeling like the biggest disappointment in the entire christian community, I set off to make myself better.  I read books, I "do things afraid" (they say that makes it better-it doesn't) I print off scripture, I sing songs, I declare positive scriptures, I bind, I loose,  I pray, I cry, I ask for help, I try pill after pill after pill, and sometimes one or more of these things will help for a time and I will have a bit of hope.  Then, at the first sign of little sleep or life stress it all falls apart again.   I simply survive.  


I know God works miracles in the lives of people.  I've seen it.  I also know that sometimes He heals things piece by piece, one area at a time. As much as I'd love a miracle of complete turn around in an instant, that has not been how God has dealt with me.   My life has been quite the mess, and He has healed lots of places in my broken heart, little by little.   And I am so thankful for that.  There are still many more, I'm realizing.  And in my effort to put band aids on some of these areas, I have not dealt with the heart of the matter.  But I have to believe that God's timing is perfect and He knows what things to deal with and what things need more time.  


What I know today is that I have become weary of living my life under Anxiety's rule.  It is not a good ruler.  I also know that it may be time to get down to the heart of the matter on some things that cause me to fall under Anxiety's rule instead of the rule of  the Creator of my soul.  I have decided to pursue some avenues in hopes of ridding myself of this wicked taskmaster once and for all.  It is time to thrive instead of just survive.  


If you or someone you love is suffering under Anxiety's tyrant rule, know this: you are not alone.  You are loved by the creator of your soul.  Find some help.  You are worth helping.  You are not too far gone-no one is too far from the arm of the living God.  He loves you, even when you are living in a state of high anxiety.   He wants to rescue you from this evil taskmaster.  He says this in Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

A friend of mine shared this song on her blog.  I listened to  it and so identified with her that day.  I heard her heart and it resonated with my own.  "I want to thrive not just survive".

Here's to hope of thriving.


Thanks for reading.