High Anxiety

A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety.-Aesop

I am going to be completely honest with you all.  Transparent, raw and no holds barred kind of honest.  I'm going to talk a bit about anxiety today.  My hope is that by being honest and open about my own struggles, someone may stumble across this blog post and know they are not alone, and that it may give more understanding to those who know someone who struggles with anxiety.  

Because too often there is a stigma that goes along with those suffering from mental disorders-especially within the christian community.   They feel alone and isolated, often not wanting to share their struggle with anyone for fear of being thought of as "crazy" and a "bad christian".  

This is for you who suffer from anxiety and those who know you.  We are not crazy, just broken.  And I have to believe that Jesus died to heal all of our brokenness.  Sometimes it's nothing more than deciding that you are worth the time and effort it takes to get better.  Never give up.  There is hope.  Here is only a piece of my own struggle...

Anxiety.  It is a wicked taskmaster.  It is one that demands complete and utter control of your mind and leaves you, at the end of each day, empty and useless.  It wants you to fix problems that are impossible to fix, keep everyone and everything safe from unseen danger, and tells you at the end of it all that you have failed miserably and surely there will be consequences for your failure.  It is the beginning and end of a cycle of fear/trying to fight the fear/being overcome by fear/depression/then back to fear.  

Those of you who know me know that I have spent the majority of my years living with varying degrees of anxiety.  Sometimes it's manageable, mild enough to get by with minimal repercussions.  In times like these most people would have no idea that I am a slave to anxiety.  Other times it is so debilitating that I can not function, I avoid all that is possible for me to avoid and my mind races at a hundred miles per minute.  It leaves me, at the end of the day, swallowing a pill to ease my mind and wondering if life is  worth living at all.  And so the cycle continues.  It steals all joy, all purpose, and all energy leaving me depleted and defeated.  

I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder (DUH thank you Captain Obvious).    There is a difference in being anxious for a season or about some specific things and living in a state of constant, continual anxiety.    To be honest, I almost can't remember a time when I wasn't ruled by anxiety-it's been so long ago.  I can't really remember when I have had "fun" doing things.  I am happy and satisfied when I am with my family doing "fun" activities, but anxiety steals the "fun" right out of your life.  Instead of enjoying the moment, you worry about what is going to happen, what danger lies around every turn, if everyone else is having a good time, what more you could do to make the day better and on and on it goes.  I try to turn my thoughts around, but it's like anxiety is so strong it just takes over my mind and physical body as well.  It defies all logic and reasoning.  It's like being in a constant state of "fight or flight" and it is exhausting.  


I do my very best to hide my anxiety and try to appear "normal".   I smile appropriately, laugh, joke and do my best to engage in whatever activity is taking place. Then come the panic attacks, when  my body can take the anxiety no longer and it literally "freaks out".  It becomes difficult to hide my anxiety when I am hyperventilating and my heart is racing, and my body is shaking, and I can't breath.  Yea, it is NOT a pretty picture.  It is rather embarrassing unless I can find a place to hide until it passes.  I find it hard to explain to people who find me in such a state.  


Then comes the condemnation.  You wonder what in the world is wrong with you that you can not seem to handle what everyone else in the world handles with no problem.  You are a believer in Christ, for goodness sake, you certainly should NOT be overtaken by fear.  What kind of a christian are you anyway, what a poor example you are setting, what a terrible representative of Christ you are... 


 So feeling like the biggest disappointment in the entire christian community, I set off to make myself better.  I read books, I "do things afraid" (they say that makes it better-it doesn't) I print off scripture, I sing songs, I declare positive scriptures, I bind, I loose,  I pray, I cry, I ask for help, I try pill after pill after pill, and sometimes one or more of these things will help for a time and I will have a bit of hope.  Then, at the first sign of little sleep or life stress it all falls apart again.   I simply survive.  


I know God works miracles in the lives of people.  I've seen it.  I also know that sometimes He heals things piece by piece, one area at a time. As much as I'd love a miracle of complete turn around in an instant, that has not been how God has dealt with me.   My life has been quite the mess, and He has healed lots of places in my broken heart, little by little.   And I am so thankful for that.  There are still many more, I'm realizing.  And in my effort to put band aids on some of these areas, I have not dealt with the heart of the matter.  But I have to believe that God's timing is perfect and He knows what things to deal with and what things need more time.  


What I know today is that I have become weary of living my life under Anxiety's rule.  It is not a good ruler.  I also know that it may be time to get down to the heart of the matter on some things that cause me to fall under Anxiety's rule instead of the rule of  the Creator of my soul.  I have decided to pursue some avenues in hopes of ridding myself of this wicked taskmaster once and for all.  It is time to thrive instead of just survive.  


If you or someone you love is suffering under Anxiety's tyrant rule, know this: you are not alone.  You are loved by the creator of your soul.  Find some help.  You are worth helping.  You are not too far gone-no one is too far from the arm of the living God.  He loves you, even when you are living in a state of high anxiety.   He wants to rescue you from this evil taskmaster.  He says this in Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

A friend of mine shared this song on her blog.  I listened to  it and so identified with her that day.  I heard her heart and it resonated with my own.  "I want to thrive not just survive".

Here's to hope of thriving.


Thanks for reading.

Vacation

No man needs a vacation so much as the person who has just had one.-Elbert Hubbard

Trying to find time to write is difficult.  Finding time to write this week-impossible.   

Hubby's been on vacation this past week.  This means that we have been spending our week having some much needed family-focus time and  doing lots of family activities.  We didn't travel too far from home, but we crammed lots of activity into 5 short days. 

Whew, I'm exhausted! and there are still two very full days ahead of me. 

Yesterday we all went to Cedar Point.  Cedar Point is an amazing amusement park filled with a variety of rides, games, and terribly expensive, unhealthy delightful food.  Everyone gets excited about a trip to Cedar Point.  It's a great time, for most people.

I, however, have Panic disorder.  Trips like these often send me into a hyper-ventilating mess of tears and frustration.  I find myself in an irrational state and am unable to think clearly or calm down.  What's worse, I think, is that I know I'm irrational, but am still not able to "snap out of it" so to speak.  Thankfully, I have Mama(my mom in law) to talk me down from the ledge on a regular basis, and really good medication or I'd never go anywhere!  For Those of you who have suffered from anxiety disorders and panic attacks, you know what I'm talking about.  Those of you who have not, be grateful.  They suck.  

So, in preparation for our Cedar Point trip, I made sure I had proper medication and I also called in "the big guns" (i.e. called my Mama to pray-a lot-for our day). 

The day went well, in spite of the fact that we left our lunches at home.  Yup.  All that preparation in making the best lunches ever were for nothing.  I had the best lunches and snacks ready, and several bottles of refreshing water-some of which I froze to keep the rest cold all ready to go.  *sigh*   We realized we left it at home when we pulled into the Cedar Point parking lot and went to grab the bag.  It was then I realized that I was going to have to take out a second mortgage on our home to pay for buy all of our food at Cedar Point for the day.  OUCH!  Oh well.  Hubby's response was "well, at least we remembered all the kids."  Yea, he's got a way of looking at the bright side.  :)

It was still a great day!   I was only anxious a few hundred times, but the anxiety I did have was mild in comparison to most days.  That, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call a successful trip!  Hubby and the children and I had a wonderful day together, laughing and screaming and laughing some more.   Hubby's sister and niece hung out with us as well, which really added to the fun. 

It really was a good day.

Hubby's niece purchased her dream souvenir-a large cup in the shape of Snoopy.  My sis-in-law enjoyed some frozen custard(a favorite treat of hers).  My oldest Darling went on her first "big" coaster with her daddy.  My sweet pea went on a few smaller coaster rides, and my last little guy rode his first "kiddie" coaster.  Hubby got his chocolate covered frozen banana and I got a key chain with my last little guy and I on a roller coaster. 

I'm thankful for the prayers, because God really was gracious to our family yesterday.  And in my weakness of anxiety and panic, His strength in me was strong. 

In the grand scope of life, having a panic free day at Cedar Point isn't by far the most important thing perhaps.  But having a panic free day at Cedar Point to make happy memories with my family is important to me.  God showing His grace and help to me in such a seemingly small thing shows me that He cares about those things that concern me, even if they are not mountain moving, earth shaking things. 

So friends, I hope that you also will seek God in everything you do.  Not only praying for the "big things" or "grand ideas", not only watching for His hand in the larger scale activities of your life, but in everything.  For sometimes it is those little moments, where you smile when you would otherwise be afraid, that you find God really is ever present with His children.

Thanks for reading.