On turning 40...

Forty isn't old, if you're a tree-anonymous 

Today I turn 40, the big 4-0.  I'd love to impress you with all the cool things I did to usher in a new decade, but I spent the last day of my 30s pretty uneventfully.  I cleaned some things around the house, did some laundry, got myself a coffee on my way into work, and spent the afternoon and evening at work-with people MUCH older than 40.   Suddenly, 40 didn't seem so old after all.  Ahhh, perspective.     After work, I came home and said "goodbye" to my 30s.    I thought about some things.  I thought about a lot of things.  

I clearly remember when I was about to turn 30.  That was a hard birthday.  I knew I was supposed to really be a grown up and have my act together at 30, but I wasn't even anywhere close to having much of anything together.   I thought, well maybe I'd have it figured out when I hit 40.  Now I'm 40 and the more I learn the less I feel I really know.   

But that's OK.  At 40 I'm not thinking about how I'm going to figure things out anymore.  I don't need to.  Figuring things out isn't really working for me.  Trusting and believing and staying true to the One who knit me together,  planned out every one of my days, and wrote them in a book before I was even born-that's where I need to keep my focus. (Psalm 139:13-16)  Even when I don't understand, I just need to keep walking-walking ahead, walking through the pain in the night and walking in the joy that comes in the morning, walking through "goodbyes", walking through endings, walking through new beginnings, walking in the wind and rain and sunshine and warm breezes alike, walking the course that has been set before me, and following the examples of those who are faithful in their walk and those who have been faithful and have finished their course.   Just walking faithfully in His plan for my life, no matter what lies ahead.

I am blessed to have others that link their arms with mine and choose to walk with me.   God has made us and fashioned us for relationships, with Himself and with each other.   I'm grateful for those I call friends(family included).   One of my heart-sister friends introduced me, some time ago, to Patty Griffin (one of my favorite artists)  She has this song called 10 million miles, that I love love love.  
"I must've walked 10 million miles" and I'm sure I have at least as many miles left to walk.   And so even when I don't understand my path I must keep walking.   When the clouds are blocking the light and I don't know which way this path is leading, when I can only see directly in front of me,  I must keep walking.   My friends, let us walk on in the path that is set before us.  Let's  not veer off, even if another way  looks better, even if the path we are on is suddenly looking pretty scary, even if we lose people along the way,  even if our path is rough and we see  pain up ahead, let us stay the course.   Because we know that He works ALL things out for our good when we love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28) Even when we may feel alone,  let's remember that  He has promised to never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  
At 40 years old I am so grateful that I have never walked a single mile alone.  Thank you to all my friends who have walked with me.  I "search for your sweet face" as I walk, for encouragement to keep on keepin' on.  

And friends, if I should  start to repeat to you the same story I told you yesterday, or start discussing my popping knee joint and sore back, or worse yet, continuously discuss how often my bowels move, all I can say is I'm 40 and walking 10 million miles takes its toll.

Thanks for reading.

Butterflies: lessons I've learned from my own backyard

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.  ~Author Unknown

Every summer my children and I raise Monarch caterpillars.  We've done it for several years now, and we have learned a lot about the life cycle of a butterfly.

This year in particular, I've learned some things about my own life by watching my caterpillars.

When a Monarch caterpillar emerges from an egg, it begins to eat right away.  The butterfly lays her eggs on the Milkweed plant to ensure her babies will have what they need (the creamy white spots on the leaves in this picture are monarch eggs).

The caterpillar then begins to eat and eat and eat.  In fact, that's all it does.  Until it's time for growth.  A Monarch caterpillar goes through 5 instar stages of growth before spinning a chrysalis.  With each stage the caterpillar will go off the milkweed and find a place on its own.  It may not eat for a day or two while it wiggles out of its previous skin and waits for its new skin to harden and mold itself to the caterpillar.

 (That little black pile is the caterpillar's previous skin)

The caterpillar's appearance changes dramatically in those 5 instar stages.

from so tiny you can barely see it-1st instar stage.(bottom right)

To big fat and full of color-5th instar stage














The thing I found most interesting is that after each molt, they don't simply leave their old skin behind.  They eat it.  Yup.  EAT it.  Their skin contains protein that aids them in growing stronger.

I thought about that.   I wondered then if I too might become stronger if I "ate" that skin I've grown out of, instead of trying to crawl away from it and never think about it again.  With every heartbreak, loss and broken place in our lives,  comes a chance to take those very hard, empty, broken things  and allow God to use them  to strengthen us.

 If I believe in the redeeming quality of God (and I do) I have to then believe that He will use every thing I go through-no matter how difficult- to change me, to help me become stronger.

On this journey to complete metamorphosis, there are going to be times when I have to grow, and change, and wiggle out of the person I was and wait for my new "skin" to mold itself to me and harden.  Those times are seldom easy and never comfortable.  And after the process is done, I need a little recovery time while I wait and become molded into the new stage of my life.  But once I've adjusted I go on, stronger than before and continue to feed on His Word and continue to grow.  And if I turn around and "eat" that old skin, it becomes a part of me.  But now instead of being a weakness, it is making me stronger.   Yes, that skin no longer fits me, but it is still a part of who I am.   God uses it for His glory and my certain good.

Once a caterpillar has reached its last days in the final instar stage, it climbs up to a safe place and makes a chrysalis.  It stays still inside for 10-14 days.

While inside the caterpillar changes completely.  As it gets closer to the time it will emerge, you can see right through the chrysalis at what's inside.

Once the work is complete, the monarch emerges looking completely different than when he began his life journey.

 (This one is male-you can tell because he has two black dots on his wings)

When we release the monarchs every year and I watch them fly away into the purpose for which they were created,  I can't help but smile.  I feel so grateful that I was able to be with them through each and every stage of their lives.   I love to watch them grow and change through every stage.  And I love most of all when the day comes and I set them free.

I wonder if God smiles as He watches us fly into the life that He has designed for us.  I believe He does.

Whether we are in our "instar" growing stages or our "chrysalis" waiting period or our "emerging adult" stage flying in our God given purpose, God is ever working to change us to become more like Him.  And while each stage brings with it challenges and difficulties, we rejoice in knowing that He makes all those things work out for our good.

 He is so good.  All the time.

Thanks for reading.

*all photos in this post were taken from my home.  They are all of Monarchs that my children and I have raised.  Most are from this season, but a few are from past years.

What a mighty good man...

"I know that ain't nobody perfect, I give props to those who deserve it, 
And believe me y'all he's worth it. 
So here's to the future 'cause we got through the past, 
I finally found somebody who can make me laugh. (ha ha ha) 
You so crazy...i think I wanna have yo baby

Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man!"-Whatta Man

Today I just want to give a shout out to my hubby who has really "taken the reins" in the cooking/kid caring for department since I started this whole working part-time 3rd shift madness.  He's endured limited clean laundry, an unbelievable unorganized house in major disarray,  and extra crazy wife (and really, there's enough crazy when I'm NOT working 3rds, let alone screwing up my sleep schedule).  

Today this old song came to mind.  It came out in the early 90s by groups Salt 'n' Pepa and En Vogue.  I actually loved both groups as a teen/young adult(what?  Don't judge me ok?).   Much of the lyrics are... lets just say less than wholesome,  but that "Whatta man whatta man whatta man whatta mighty good man" chorus is one that stays stuck in your head for days.  In fact, I'll bet if any of you reading this post remember this song, you're singing now aren't ya??  

Yea, that's what I thought.  

Knowing I have limited dietary choices due to a chronic stomach condition,  Hubby has made sure that I have plenty of protein drinks and mashed potatoes available for me to take to work.  He has also made sure my coffee supply is amply stocked and that I always have a Coke Zero to take to work- all things that would fall by the wayside.  Although I try to keep up on my days off, the kids' activities and other duties keep me busy and I find when I finally have a minute to breath, I'm just too dang unmotivated to get to that laundry and cooking too.  Hubby  has been grilling and smoking meat this summer and the kids are LOVIN' dad's cooking.

He's made sure that the kids are having fun too.  Even though we aren't going away on vacation anywhere this summer, he's making sure to pack in their days with extra stuff.  He's taken them 4-wheeling and for ice cream lots this summer.  And of course he put up (and keeps up on) the pool in the backyard for them.  Yea, he's the fun parent for sure.  

I'm not always a barrel of fun.  I have lots of days where I just can't bring myself to do much of anything-let alone fun stuff.  Anxiety definitely gets the best me more often than not.  Hubby stands by me through the worst panic attacks and deepest depression and celebrates the good days we have together.   Hubby doesn't lecture me on how I should be better.  He doesn't make me feel like a loser- he knows I'm already hard enough on myself.  He doesn't offer lame platitudes like "cheer up, it's not so bad" or "just be thankful" or any of those other sayings that make someone suffering from anxiety/depression feel more worthless.  He doesn't try to "fix" me either-I think he knows that's an impossible task.  He just lets me be. 

 He's not perfect-no one is.  But he's a mighty good man.  And I'm thankful that God has given him to me to walk out this life together.  

So this verse goes out to you babe.  In my best black-girl voice I'm singing this for you today...

Spends quality time with his kids when he can. 

secure in his manhood 'cause he's a real man.

 a lover, and a fighter, and he'll knock another out. 

Don't take him for a sucka, 'cause it's not what he's about. 

Everytime I need him, he always got my back.

 Never dis- respectful, 'cause his momma taught him that. 

I gotta good man

Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man!"-Whatta Man

Thanks for reading

Homeschooling Humor

Homeschooling.  It is more than a movement for some of us.  It is a way of life.  I've heard and read LOTS of arguments on the issue of homeschooling.  Some say it is so much better for the child.  Some say it is so much worse for the child.  I have had conversations with people on both ends of the argument, but I have found that most position themselves somewhere in the middle of things.

I'm not one to waste a lot of my time and energy arguing with people.  If you choose to believe that teaching your own children is wrong, I will not try to convince you otherwise. Nor will I adhere to the belief that ALL children should be home educated.  It is not a choice that will work out favorably for everyone. 

What I WILL say is that homeschooling is our way of life.    I do believe that it is the best choice for our family, and so that is what we do.

I approach homeschooling the children much like I approach the rest of my life, with a good amount of fear, a whole lot of prayer, and a sense of humor.  It is a difficult journey sometimes.  Talk to most homeschooling moms and they will tell you it is not easy.  But most will also tell you they wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Years ago my sister gave me a book by Todd Wilson called Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe.  Anyone reading this blog who needs some encouragement, I highly recommend this book.  Todd Wilson also wrote 4 volumes of The Official Book of Homeschooling Cartoons  that I flip through often when I need a laugh. 

I wanted to share some of those cartoons with you all.  If you are homeschooling your children, chances are you will relate to some of these.  If you are not, you will get a small peek into a world that is different than your own.  In any case I hope these bring a smile to your face.

Oh boy!  I sound like this lady sometimes.

Just last week my son sat at the pediatrician's office and when the Dr. asked what he was learning in school this year he replied "Oh nothing really".  Yup.  It was a proud moment.

One day you may pick up the phone to call me and I will not answer because I will be just like the woman on this page.

Yea, we have these kind of  "school uniforms" too.  It cuts down on laundry that I don't have time to do.

Yes, poor hubby has come home from a hard day at work to a scene similar to this one.

  I'm afraid this is really what's going on in the heads of my children while I drone on and on.  

While it may take me an hour to explain what an adjective is and I just may exhaust myself explaining fractions  while my child contemplates the size of my nose.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  There is a peace in the chaos of everyday life when I am living it out the way God has planned for our family.   Hubby may come home to the occasional frozen supper.  He may  find us still in our jammies while he trips over the array of school books  and world maps sprinkled all over the living room floor.  On those days, he just says "OK kids, looks like we are ordering pizza tonight." 

It is an organized chaos, but we are all together in it.  Learning together.  Growing together.  I'm so grateful that God has given me this opportunity.  Though the task is not easy, it is worth it.   His strength is made perfect in our weakness, and there are LOTS of opportunities in our school day for His strength to shine through.  

On those tough days, I remind myself how fast the years are moving; that they are only children once in their lifetime; and that one day they will be gone and I won't have to explain long division EVER AGAIN-insert a great big HALLELUJAH here.  Those reminders get me through the tough days.  

And I treasure the good days.  The days when I don't allow the stress get to me and I can just enjoy listening to my son read to me and laugh at the story he is reading.  

Even the dog joins in sometimes(though he doesn't look very interested).

It's an adventure, and I have the greatest crew in the world going along with me.

Thanks for reading.

*all cartoons were by Todd Wilson and you can check out his website at familymanweb.com

January winds

Bitter cold air.

Snow covering the grass.

Boots, snow pants, mittens and hats strewn about my living room.

Yes, winter has officially arrived.  It IS January after all, and I DO live in Michigan-so this should come as no surprise.  We've had such a mild December and January thus far that I almost forgot that it is winter.  Almost forgot, but not entirely.

My heart knows it's January.  January and I have a rocky relationship.  So much so that I almost hate to see it arrive.  The bitter cold winds of January have blown in some incredibly difficult times throughout my life.  

It was in January when I was 16 years old, I stood beside my Mamaw for days as she lay dying in the hospital.  It was late one January night when she drew in her last breath as I stood holding her hand.  It was that same January night that I saw my dad cry heaving sobs of grief and my aunts and cousins cry in overwhelming sorrow at the loss of their mother.   It was a few days later in January that Auntie V and I held onto one another so that both of us could stand, while we said our final "until we meet again" to this woman we both loved so much.  My Mamaw was my buddy and I still find myself missing her.

It was in January when I was 20 years old  that I had come to a place of such despair that I had given up on life completely.  I found myself in the psychiatric unit of a hospital for attempted suicide(this was the first in a long battle of depression and suicidal thinking and attempts).  It was one of the coldest winters that year.   It was that same January that my life was forever changed.  Circumstances in my life had reached a breaking point, my heart and soul were completely shattered into a million pieces, and I truly believed that my life was over.  I had lost all hope that my future would be anything but miserable.

To quote my mama's  favorite saying "But God".

God intervened and although circumstances were still broken, as were my heart and soul,  He made a way for healing and restoration.   God has redeemed the lost years and has worked (and continues to work) a miracle in my heart and life.  It was not quick.  It was not painless.  It was not pretty.  But in the end, the result of all that I have been through is a life filled with many testimonies of God's faithfulness.

Now 18 years later, it's January once again and I find myself in a state of transition.  In case you haven't gotten the memo on this blog of mine, I'm not a fan of change.  I like things to stay the same (I may have mentioned this a few hundred times on here).  But times they are a-changin', and I have found myself this January struggling with those changes and also with those same old feelings of desperation.    Those feelings that say "You can't make it"  "You don't have what it takes"  "You are weak".  "You are not enough".  But I have learned something in these past 18 years.  I have learned that rather than fight those intense waves of depression and flail in the water in a desperate attempt to save myself,  I cry out "save me Jesus" then  I say to those feelings "It's OK if I don't have what it takes, and yes I am weak, and I am most certainly not enough, but I can make it because God is all that I am not and He is willing and able to rescue me."   I know now, from past experiences, that every trial, every pain, every disappointment and every tear will make their way back around to testify of God's faithfulness and love.  God has a plan and His plans are always good.

To be honest,  I have many days where depression and anxiety still get the best of me, and I find myself more often than I'd like to admit in a place of flailing and near drowning.  I too often fail to remember the lessons I've learned and cry out for help.  Too often I look around at the storm and not on the hand reaching down to rescue me.  To fail to mention those struggles may lead you to think that I have it all together, and rest assured I do not.  But that's really the most beautiful thing of all isn't it?  That none of us really have it all together, but God does.  And while I am no where near where I want to be, I am so much better than I used to be.

Friends, when things look the darkest and the most hopeless, do not give up.  Never think for one moment that God can't turn things around.  I know He can take the most hopeless of circumstances and turn it into something beautiful.  It may not be quick, it may not be painless, it may not even be pretty, but in the end it will be beautiful.

I love this song.  Especially the part that says  "I have come undone, but I have just begun, changing by your grace"... God has blessed me beyond what I could have ever asked Him for, and the best part is that He's not through with me yet.  He is so good.
He can take anything we are willing to give Him and make it beautiful.

Thanks for reading.

So long 2011

So long 2011, glad to see you go.  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.  I don't mean to be so unkind toward you, but you really haven't been very friendly either.   I can't say that I will regret parting ways with you.  I will say that I have learned quite a lot in your span of time-some good things, others not so great.  All the same, it is time to say our goodbyes-and I can't say that I'm brokenhearted about that!

2011.  It was the best of times.  It was the worst of times.  Some things good, some bad, but when I look at the big picture- all things 2011 have been used to help me learn and grow. 

2011 has had me in the fire.  You know that fire that refines and tests your faith.

1 Peter 1:6-7
⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Yea, not really a fan of the fire.  I have to say.  Sometimes I've even heard myself say "But I don't want to grow and be more like Jesus if it hurts like this."  Not really one of my finer moments, but true nonetheless. 


This past summer, as many of you know, had my little family turned upside down.  My bonus son was involved in a terrible boating accident, which resulted in a summer full of surgeries and intense pain for him.  Watching him go through that was horrendous.  My heart broke a little more every day.  I felt so helpless.

But even in the middle of that, God showed His mercy and loving kindness to us all.    Hubby and I knew that the only reason our son was alive was because of God's own hand pulling him out of the water, and sustaining his life through the entire ordeal.  My bonus son is a walking, breathing miracle and testimony of God's faithfulness and power and mercy. 

My faith grew at least ten times its size this summer.  

I don't believe that God causes tragedies to happen, but I do believe that He uses every one to show us more about who He is.  And the great thing about God is that He promises to turn every situation into something good.  He gives us beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3), He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28). 

Life often times has a way of finding me hiding in the corner proclaiming my inability to walk out the path God has chosen for me.  Yup, I'm the one over there screaming saying "I can't do the things you are asking me to do" and "I'm not strong enough" and "I'm not wise enough" and "I'm just not enough."  This has been my mantra through all of 2011- and (if I'm completely honest) through all of my life.  
But the beauty of coming to the "end of my rope" so to speak  is that I can finally let go and allow God to be strong and wise and enough.  I have finally realized that God alone is able to be enough and I don't have to be anything on my own.  This (and more) I have learned in the fire of 2011. 

I have a friend who makes beautiful designs out of pieces of broken glass.  Whenever I see a mosaic, it reminds me that some of the most beautiful things are made from broken pieces.  And while she makes beautiful pieces of art, only God can pick up the broken pieces of our soul and piece them back together and make us into something beautiful.  I have realized, this year, that it's only when I am completely broken that He can transform who I thought I should be into who He created me to be.    He does make all things beautiful in His time.  He makes all things new.  But only when we come to the end of ourselves.  

All of my broken dreams, and hopes and plans I now surrender into the hands of the only One who can make something beautiful out of the broken pieces of my life.  

This summer another friend of mine shared a song with me that helped her when she was going through a difficult time with a family member who was ill.   It also ministered to me   I'm so thankful that she shared it with me, so I want to share it too.  It's called "Strong Enough" by Matthew West.

 So while I'm not sad to see 2011 go, I'm grateful for the lessons God has taught me this year.  I'm looking forward to 2012 with hope of seeing His plans fulfilled in my life. 

Happy 2012 friends, may God piece together your lives as well.  He is good.  All the time.

Thanks for reading.

Vacation

No man needs a vacation so much as the person who has just had one.-Elbert Hubbard

Trying to find time to write is difficult.  Finding time to write this week-impossible.   

Hubby's been on vacation this past week.  This means that we have been spending our week having some much needed family-focus time and  doing lots of family activities.  We didn't travel too far from home, but we crammed lots of activity into 5 short days. 

Whew, I'm exhausted! and there are still two very full days ahead of me. 

Yesterday we all went to Cedar Point.  Cedar Point is an amazing amusement park filled with a variety of rides, games, and terribly expensive, unhealthy delightful food.  Everyone gets excited about a trip to Cedar Point.  It's a great time, for most people.

I, however, have Panic disorder.  Trips like these often send me into a hyper-ventilating mess of tears and frustration.  I find myself in an irrational state and am unable to think clearly or calm down.  What's worse, I think, is that I know I'm irrational, but am still not able to "snap out of it" so to speak.  Thankfully, I have Mama(my mom in law) to talk me down from the ledge on a regular basis, and really good medication or I'd never go anywhere!  For Those of you who have suffered from anxiety disorders and panic attacks, you know what I'm talking about.  Those of you who have not, be grateful.  They suck.  

So, in preparation for our Cedar Point trip, I made sure I had proper medication and I also called in "the big guns" (i.e. called my Mama to pray-a lot-for our day). 

The day went well, in spite of the fact that we left our lunches at home.  Yup.  All that preparation in making the best lunches ever were for nothing.  I had the best lunches and snacks ready, and several bottles of refreshing water-some of which I froze to keep the rest cold all ready to go.  *sigh*   We realized we left it at home when we pulled into the Cedar Point parking lot and went to grab the bag.  It was then I realized that I was going to have to take out a second mortgage on our home to pay for buy all of our food at Cedar Point for the day.  OUCH!  Oh well.  Hubby's response was "well, at least we remembered all the kids."  Yea, he's got a way of looking at the bright side.  :)

It was still a great day!   I was only anxious a few hundred times, but the anxiety I did have was mild in comparison to most days.  That, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call a successful trip!  Hubby and the children and I had a wonderful day together, laughing and screaming and laughing some more.   Hubby's sister and niece hung out with us as well, which really added to the fun. 

It really was a good day.

Hubby's niece purchased her dream souvenir-a large cup in the shape of Snoopy.  My sis-in-law enjoyed some frozen custard(a favorite treat of hers).  My oldest Darling went on her first "big" coaster with her daddy.  My sweet pea went on a few smaller coaster rides, and my last little guy rode his first "kiddie" coaster.  Hubby got his chocolate covered frozen banana and I got a key chain with my last little guy and I on a roller coaster. 

I'm thankful for the prayers, because God really was gracious to our family yesterday.  And in my weakness of anxiety and panic, His strength in me was strong. 

In the grand scope of life, having a panic free day at Cedar Point isn't by far the most important thing perhaps.  But having a panic free day at Cedar Point to make happy memories with my family is important to me.  God showing His grace and help to me in such a seemingly small thing shows me that He cares about those things that concern me, even if they are not mountain moving, earth shaking things. 

So friends, I hope that you also will seek God in everything you do.  Not only praying for the "big things" or "grand ideas", not only watching for His hand in the larger scale activities of your life, but in everything.  For sometimes it is those little moments, where you smile when you would otherwise be afraid, that you find God really is ever present with His children.

Thanks for reading.

sigh of relief

I just got off the phone with Auntie V, and she's doing much better.  It looks like there are no blockages in her arteries.  They did several tests and determined that the intense pain was caused by a reaction between the steriods she's taking (for treatment of meniere's disease) and her pacemaker (which she's named Randolph).  She heads off to the DR. today for follow up. 

I am breathing a giant sigh of relief this morning, and thanking God for an answer to prayer.

Thanks to all of you who prayed. 


Psalm 26:7

Today I am making my voice of thanksgiving heard and telling of His wondrous works.
God is good. All the time