Songs for the Season

I have recently discovered Pinterest.  My friend was so excited to see me on Pinterest, that she dedicated one of her boards to things that I might like.  Today she had a saying on there that said "For every situation, there's a suitable line from a song".  My friend knows me so well.  I have often identified with songs throughout the seasons of my life.  Music has been a balm on my wounded soul over and over again.

I remember as a young girl, we had an 8-track tape (yea, I'm that old) of Andrae' Crouch.  I was cleaning one day and listening to that tape and the song "Bless His Holy Name" came on.  I remember I stopped cleaning and just got lost in the song.  I sat in the chair and just soaked in every word and note of the song.  Then I played it again.  And again.   And again.   I let it sink in.  Then I sang my little heart out.  Bless the Lord, Oh my soul and all that is within me bless His Holy name...

 I do that kind of thing when I'm letting a song sink into my soul.  I play it over and over again (just ask my kids-they find this VERY annoying).  Then I sing my heart out (which, I'm sure, my kids also find annoying).

This season of life I'm in now is one of changes.  Lots of  changes on the outside but many more changes inside of me.  It has been a difficult time, because (and if you've read this blog before, you already know this) I do not adjust easily to changes.  During this time I have found a "suitable line from a song" almost every day for what I am going through.  I wanted to share a couple with you in case any of you are going through a season of difficulty and could benefit from some good soul songs.

Bethany Dillon sings a song called Be Near Me that has really hit home.  Some of the lyrics are:

I follow all the rules
Well, at least I'm trying
Hoping when my days are through
You'll be pleased
I've lived the longest days
Thinking my heart was so bad
Too scared to look in your face
Oh, if only I had
And is it alright
If I stay here all night
By the shoreline[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/bethany_dillon/be_near_me.html 
I cannot believe you are angry or unjust
You've done nothing but have compassion on us
So be near me when I've given up
Be near me

For all of my 38 years, I have been so afraid to look for the face of God.  To seek Him and be near to Him seemed too frightening of a thing to even consider.  This may seem odd for a girl who was raised in church and saved by grace at the age of 7, but it's true.  I served God and loved Him all of my life, but I could not look at Him and know that I was accepted.  I could not draw close to Him.  I tried my best to follow all the rules hoping I could work hard enough to be loved  and yet I too spent most of my days thinking my heart was so bad that I couldn't come closer.  I've been so caught up in self-loathing that I had fallen from the grace that saved me in the first place.  I  am well familiar with the scriptures.  I know Ephesians 2:8 by heart, and could recite it at anytime, and yet the meaning of that verse had not yet reached the depths of my soul.  I knew I was saved by faith, but how could I be sure of God's approval.  How could I be sure He was not angry at me for all my failures and missteps?  Surely I have not proven myself worthy to stand before Him.  Surely He would never desire to be near me, especially when I had given up.  

So very recently, God has begun to show me all the ways He desires to be near us.  He loves when we stay all night by the shoreline and are washed over with waves of His love.   He looks at us through the finished work of Jesus.  He call us accepted in the beloved (Ephesians 1:6)  Grace.  Grace. and more Grace.   Even when my faith is so weak and I am ready to give up, He is ever waiting. 

He has only just begun to work this in me, and I still find it a difficult thing to believe in the day to day running of my life.  So when I feel lost and I don't understand, I whisper "Be near me when I've given up, Be near me."  And He is always there with compassion.   He is faithful.

Do not be afraid, friends.  He desires a close relationship.  Call out to Him, whatever state you are in, and He will accept you just as you are.
There's an old song "Just As I am"  and there's is a newer version of it that adds this bridge


I come broken to mended
I come wounded to be healed
I come desperate to be rescued 
I come empty to be filled
I come guilty to be pardoned 
By the blood of Christ the Lamb
And I'm welcomed with open arms
Praise God, Just as I am. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gGBMv42dJY

God has used music to touch my heart and soothe my soul throughout my life.  Often times, when I'm listening to that song for the 80th time and singing my heart out to the Lord, something changes in my soul.  I was talking to a friend recently about my struggle with anxiety and depression and she told me "in your gift of singing is your deliverance".  I have thought a lot about those words.  God is so gracious to give us everything we need to overcome those things that would take us down.   For me it is singing my heart out, sometimes through tears and unbelief, but singing it out anyway that brings the victory.

I still play that song I sang as a child.  I still sing those same words He has done great things He has done great things, He has done great things, Bless His Holy Name.  And I will bless the Lord, Oh my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name.

I'm gonna get in touch with my 'inner black gospel self' now and bless the Lord with my man Andrae'.  LOVE me some Andrae'!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp-UOjstQ1o

Thanks for reading.

January winds

Bitter cold air.

Snow covering the grass.

Boots, snow pants, mittens and hats strewn about my living room.

Yes, winter has officially arrived.  It IS January after all, and I DO live in Michigan-so this should come as no surprise.  We've had such a mild December and January thus far that I almost forgot that it is winter.  Almost forgot, but not entirely.

My heart knows it's January.  January and I have a rocky relationship.  So much so that I almost hate to see it arrive.  The bitter cold winds of January have blown in some incredibly difficult times throughout my life.  

It was in January when I was 16 years old, I stood beside my Mamaw for days as she lay dying in the hospital.  It was late one January night when she drew in her last breath as I stood holding her hand.  It was that same January night that I saw my dad cry heaving sobs of grief and my aunts and cousins cry in overwhelming sorrow at the loss of their mother.   It was a few days later in January that Auntie V and I held onto one another so that both of us could stand, while we said our final "until we meet again" to this woman we both loved so much.  My Mamaw was my buddy and I still find myself missing her.

It was in January when I was 20 years old  that I had come to a place of such despair that I had given up on life completely.  I found myself in the psychiatric unit of a hospital for attempted suicide(this was the first in a long battle of depression and suicidal thinking and attempts).  It was one of the coldest winters that year.   It was that same January that my life was forever changed.  Circumstances in my life had reached a breaking point, my heart and soul were completely shattered into a million pieces, and I truly believed that my life was over.  I had lost all hope that my future would be anything but miserable.

To quote my mama's  favorite saying "But God".

God intervened and although circumstances were still broken, as were my heart and soul,  He made a way for healing and restoration.   God has redeemed the lost years and has worked (and continues to work) a miracle in my heart and life.  It was not quick.  It was not painless.  It was not pretty.  But in the end, the result of all that I have been through is a life filled with many testimonies of God's faithfulness.

Now 18 years later, it's January once again and I find myself in a state of transition.  In case you haven't gotten the memo on this blog of mine, I'm not a fan of change.  I like things to stay the same (I may have mentioned this a few hundred times on here).  But times they are a-changin', and I have found myself this January struggling with those changes and also with those same old feelings of desperation.    Those feelings that say "You can't make it"  "You don't have what it takes"  "You are weak".  "You are not enough".  But I have learned something in these past 18 years.  I have learned that rather than fight those intense waves of depression and flail in the water in a desperate attempt to save myself,  I cry out "save me Jesus" then  I say to those feelings "It's OK if I don't have what it takes, and yes I am weak, and I am most certainly not enough, but I can make it because God is all that I am not and He is willing and able to rescue me."   I know now, from past experiences, that every trial, every pain, every disappointment and every tear will make their way back around to testify of God's faithfulness and love.  God has a plan and His plans are always good.

To be honest,  I have many days where depression and anxiety still get the best of me, and I find myself more often than I'd like to admit in a place of flailing and near drowning.  I too often fail to remember the lessons I've learned and cry out for help.  Too often I look around at the storm and not on the hand reaching down to rescue me.  To fail to mention those struggles may lead you to think that I have it all together, and rest assured I do not.  But that's really the most beautiful thing of all isn't it?  That none of us really have it all together, but God does.  And while I am no where near where I want to be, I am so much better than I used to be.

Friends, when things look the darkest and the most hopeless, do not give up.  Never think for one moment that God can't turn things around.  I know He can take the most hopeless of circumstances and turn it into something beautiful.  It may not be quick, it may not be painless, it may not even be pretty, but in the end it will be beautiful.

I love this song.  Especially the part that says  "I have come undone, but I have just begun, changing by your grace"... God has blessed me beyond what I could have ever asked Him for, and the best part is that He's not through with me yet.  He is so good.
He can take anything we are willing to give Him and make it beautiful.

Thanks for reading.

A lesson from an asparagus

Hello Friends!


Glad you've come back, in spite of my prolonged absence.  You'd think having been gone for awhile that I would have some  great, profound, bit of awesomeness to bring to you.  


Well, don't get your hopes up too high.


I'm kind of a simple gal.


But you may be interested  if you like to talk to tomatoes, if a squash can make you smile...  Because I found a little piece of wisdom from an asparagus last night.


I'm finding myself in a place of changes.


The needs of my family are changing as my children are getting older.


The organization and content of homeschooling the children  is becoming more complex.


Our little family is going through some significant changes in some other areas of our lives that may very well have a great impact on us all.


We are experiencing some major growing pains.


OUCH!!

Anyone who knows me well, knows this about me:  I do NOT adjust to change easily.  I do not run to greet changes with open arms and give them a great big hug.  


I tend to lean more toward the running away from while screaming apprehensive slow approach to changes.  


But running or embracing, either way, changes come.   I will have to adjust.  


I'm a bit slow, so right about the time I get used to something it changes.  A friend of mine says it something like this:
I just get my ducks in a row and they start waddling away.   


So as I have been pondering all these changes in my adult manner, and contemplating how everything will work out, I have missed out on the simplest of things.


I was watching Veggie Tales (yes, I'm 38 years old and yes I still LOVE Veggie Tales) with my kiddos last night.  We were watching a Silly Songs episode where they play some of the songs from various shows.


*side note:  If you've never seen Veggie Tales or don't know what they are, google it.  It's worth watching.  They are a garden variety of veggies who tell stories from the Bible, give moral lessons, plus they have silly songs in each episode just for silly fun.


So the last song is called My Day sung by Jr. Asparagus.  He lays down in his bed at the end of the day and sings...


In my bed I start to pray and tell God all about my day


Then he sings all about the good things that happened in his day; the way he followed the rules, did his chores, learned new things at school, and had some fun with his friends.


Then he sings:


And so it’s good to know
How much you love me
It’s true, the bible says you do
You really love me
Your love was with me all throughout my day



It is a very easy thing for me to see the hand of God in the beauty of a wonderful day.  It is a very easy thing for me to say prayers of thanksgiving for all of His goodness to me, and acknowledge that every good thing comes from God.  Much like Jr. Asparagus, on those days I can feel and know that His love was with me all throughout my day.


In the second verse he sings about some not so wonderful things.  He failed to complete his duties, he had trouble sharing and following rules, he brings attention to those things that are less than wonderful about himself.  And yet at the end of the verse he again sings:


And so it’s really good to know
How much you love me
It’s true, the bible says you do
You really love me
Your love was with me all throughout my day


What I realized in Jr.'s simple song was that God's love for me doesn't change if I have a good day or a bad day; if I let His light shine through me, or if my character flaws shine brighter; if I am good, bad or ugly- His love never changes, and neither does the fact that He is always with me all throughout my day.


Watching this simple song being sung by a small asparagus put my adult-contemplative-pondering mind back to a simple child-like truth.  


When I lay down in my bed at night, I don't need to figure everything out.  I don't need to yell at myself about all my character flaws and all the ways I have done things the wrong way that day.  I don't need to worry. 


 I can sing along with Jr. in the last line of the song...


In my bed so quietly
I rest in knowing God loves me


Maybe that simple yet complete faith is why Jesus said this to the disciples:


Matthew 18:1-3
 ¹ At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
 ² He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. ³ And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.


Most of the day requires me to be an adult with an adult mind to make adult decisions and carry out adult responsibilities. 


 But I still must find that quiet time at the end of all of that when I can be a child.  I need to lay down and tell God all about my day-good and awful-and rest in knowing that no matter what He loves me and His love is with me all throughout my day.

Thanks for reading

Comfort in a song

I have had it with this past week. 

I mean it. 

I'm glad it's over and even more glad that it's never coming back.

Good riddance evil week.

What made this past week so awful, you ask?  Well, nothing in particular.

 Just your garden variety of disappointments, pressures, frustrations, unpleasant surprises, things I HATE don't like to deal with,  attitudes, rudeness, mouth pain, dentist appointments,  and and and...

In short- life.

As I was driving today an old song from my CD started playing.

Come, ye weary, heavy laden, lost and ruined by the fall,
If you tarry 'til you're better, you will never come at all.

Come, ye sinner, poor and needy, weak and wounded, sick and sore,
Jesus ready stands to save you, full of pity, love, and power.

Oh yes, this is the song I needed.
I have been so weary with the busy nature of our lives.   I have been heavy laden with the pressures of schooling and parenting the children.  I have fallen out of grace and become lost due to my lack of understanding concerning some situations. 

I considered praying about it.  But I didn't think these were big enough problems to take to Jesus.  I could probably handle these little things.

 I thought I could  shake it off.

Pull myself together.

Stop, drop and roll or something. 

It was like I was saying, "No, that's  OK God, I got this."

Only I didn't. 

Not at all. 

I am starting to realize that if I wait  until I am better-until I can fix those things that are bothering me- to come to the Lord, I am never going to go to Him at all. 

After this week, I'm feeling  weak and wounded, sick and sore.  I would really like to just go lay down in a large hole and cover myself.

Hide myself away from everyone and everything.

I have found myself in desperate need of the saving power and love of Jesus.

So I sang along with the chorus, and starting to think that putting these words into practice might just be a good idea.  I also started to think that maybe-just maybe-God was trying to tell me something through this song.

I will arise and go to Jesus, he will embrace me in his arms

In the arms of my dear saviour, oh, there are ten thousand charms.

I wonder if there are any others who-like me- allow all those "little things" we think we can handle to pile up until we are crushed under the weight of them. 

Maybe I'm the only one.

I kinda doubt it though.

Maybe you feel like you can't come to Jesus with a particular thing. 

Maybe you think it's too insignificant. 

Maybe you think it's too shameful. 

Maybe you think there is no solution.

 Maybe a lot of reasons.

But you can arise and go to Jesus and He will embrace you in His arms.

Nothing is too impossible or too insignificant or too anything in between for Him to care about.

I Peter 5:7
Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

So, here I go...

*lyrics are from
 I will arise and go to Jesus
written by Joseph Hart