Butterflies: lessons I've learned from my own backyard

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.  ~Author Unknown

Every summer my children and I raise Monarch caterpillars.  We've done it for several years now, and we have learned a lot about the life cycle of a butterfly.

This year in particular, I've learned some things about my own life by watching my caterpillars.

When a Monarch caterpillar emerges from an egg, it begins to eat right away.  The butterfly lays her eggs on the Milkweed plant to ensure her babies will have what they need (the creamy white spots on the leaves in this picture are monarch eggs).

The caterpillar then begins to eat and eat and eat.  In fact, that's all it does.  Until it's time for growth.  A Monarch caterpillar goes through 5 instar stages of growth before spinning a chrysalis.  With each stage the caterpillar will go off the milkweed and find a place on its own.  It may not eat for a day or two while it wiggles out of its previous skin and waits for its new skin to harden and mold itself to the caterpillar.

 (That little black pile is the caterpillar's previous skin)

The caterpillar's appearance changes dramatically in those 5 instar stages.

from so tiny you can barely see it-1st instar stage.(bottom right)

To big fat and full of color-5th instar stage














The thing I found most interesting is that after each molt, they don't simply leave their old skin behind.  They eat it.  Yup.  EAT it.  Their skin contains protein that aids them in growing stronger.

I thought about that.   I wondered then if I too might become stronger if I "ate" that skin I've grown out of, instead of trying to crawl away from it and never think about it again.  With every heartbreak, loss and broken place in our lives,  comes a chance to take those very hard, empty, broken things  and allow God to use them  to strengthen us.

 If I believe in the redeeming quality of God (and I do) I have to then believe that He will use every thing I go through-no matter how difficult- to change me, to help me become stronger.

On this journey to complete metamorphosis, there are going to be times when I have to grow, and change, and wiggle out of the person I was and wait for my new "skin" to mold itself to me and harden.  Those times are seldom easy and never comfortable.  And after the process is done, I need a little recovery time while I wait and become molded into the new stage of my life.  But once I've adjusted I go on, stronger than before and continue to feed on His Word and continue to grow.  And if I turn around and "eat" that old skin, it becomes a part of me.  But now instead of being a weakness, it is making me stronger.   Yes, that skin no longer fits me, but it is still a part of who I am.   God uses it for His glory and my certain good.

Once a caterpillar has reached its last days in the final instar stage, it climbs up to a safe place and makes a chrysalis.  It stays still inside for 10-14 days.

While inside the caterpillar changes completely.  As it gets closer to the time it will emerge, you can see right through the chrysalis at what's inside.

Once the work is complete, the monarch emerges looking completely different than when he began his life journey.

 (This one is male-you can tell because he has two black dots on his wings)

When we release the monarchs every year and I watch them fly away into the purpose for which they were created,  I can't help but smile.  I feel so grateful that I was able to be with them through each and every stage of their lives.   I love to watch them grow and change through every stage.  And I love most of all when the day comes and I set them free.

I wonder if God smiles as He watches us fly into the life that He has designed for us.  I believe He does.

Whether we are in our "instar" growing stages or our "chrysalis" waiting period or our "emerging adult" stage flying in our God given purpose, God is ever working to change us to become more like Him.  And while each stage brings with it challenges and difficulties, we rejoice in knowing that He makes all those things work out for our good.

 He is so good.  All the time.

Thanks for reading.

*all photos in this post were taken from my home.  They are all of Monarchs that my children and I have raised.  Most are from this season, but a few are from past years.

Songs for the Season

I have recently discovered Pinterest.  My friend was so excited to see me on Pinterest, that she dedicated one of her boards to things that I might like.  Today she had a saying on there that said "For every situation, there's a suitable line from a song".  My friend knows me so well.  I have often identified with songs throughout the seasons of my life.  Music has been a balm on my wounded soul over and over again.

I remember as a young girl, we had an 8-track tape (yea, I'm that old) of Andrae' Crouch.  I was cleaning one day and listening to that tape and the song "Bless His Holy Name" came on.  I remember I stopped cleaning and just got lost in the song.  I sat in the chair and just soaked in every word and note of the song.  Then I played it again.  And again.   And again.   I let it sink in.  Then I sang my little heart out.  Bless the Lord, Oh my soul and all that is within me bless His Holy name...

 I do that kind of thing when I'm letting a song sink into my soul.  I play it over and over again (just ask my kids-they find this VERY annoying).  Then I sing my heart out (which, I'm sure, my kids also find annoying).

This season of life I'm in now is one of changes.  Lots of  changes on the outside but many more changes inside of me.  It has been a difficult time, because (and if you've read this blog before, you already know this) I do not adjust easily to changes.  During this time I have found a "suitable line from a song" almost every day for what I am going through.  I wanted to share a couple with you in case any of you are going through a season of difficulty and could benefit from some good soul songs.

Bethany Dillon sings a song called Be Near Me that has really hit home.  Some of the lyrics are:

I follow all the rules
Well, at least I'm trying
Hoping when my days are through
You'll be pleased
I've lived the longest days
Thinking my heart was so bad
Too scared to look in your face
Oh, if only I had
And is it alright
If I stay here all night
By the shoreline[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/bethany_dillon/be_near_me.html 
I cannot believe you are angry or unjust
You've done nothing but have compassion on us
So be near me when I've given up
Be near me

For all of my 38 years, I have been so afraid to look for the face of God.  To seek Him and be near to Him seemed too frightening of a thing to even consider.  This may seem odd for a girl who was raised in church and saved by grace at the age of 7, but it's true.  I served God and loved Him all of my life, but I could not look at Him and know that I was accepted.  I could not draw close to Him.  I tried my best to follow all the rules hoping I could work hard enough to be loved  and yet I too spent most of my days thinking my heart was so bad that I couldn't come closer.  I've been so caught up in self-loathing that I had fallen from the grace that saved me in the first place.  I  am well familiar with the scriptures.  I know Ephesians 2:8 by heart, and could recite it at anytime, and yet the meaning of that verse had not yet reached the depths of my soul.  I knew I was saved by faith, but how could I be sure of God's approval.  How could I be sure He was not angry at me for all my failures and missteps?  Surely I have not proven myself worthy to stand before Him.  Surely He would never desire to be near me, especially when I had given up.  

So very recently, God has begun to show me all the ways He desires to be near us.  He loves when we stay all night by the shoreline and are washed over with waves of His love.   He looks at us through the finished work of Jesus.  He call us accepted in the beloved (Ephesians 1:6)  Grace.  Grace. and more Grace.   Even when my faith is so weak and I am ready to give up, He is ever waiting. 

He has only just begun to work this in me, and I still find it a difficult thing to believe in the day to day running of my life.  So when I feel lost and I don't understand, I whisper "Be near me when I've given up, Be near me."  And He is always there with compassion.   He is faithful.

Do not be afraid, friends.  He desires a close relationship.  Call out to Him, whatever state you are in, and He will accept you just as you are.
There's an old song "Just As I am"  and there's is a newer version of it that adds this bridge


I come broken to mended
I come wounded to be healed
I come desperate to be rescued 
I come empty to be filled
I come guilty to be pardoned 
By the blood of Christ the Lamb
And I'm welcomed with open arms
Praise God, Just as I am. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gGBMv42dJY

God has used music to touch my heart and soothe my soul throughout my life.  Often times, when I'm listening to that song for the 80th time and singing my heart out to the Lord, something changes in my soul.  I was talking to a friend recently about my struggle with anxiety and depression and she told me "in your gift of singing is your deliverance".  I have thought a lot about those words.  God is so gracious to give us everything we need to overcome those things that would take us down.   For me it is singing my heart out, sometimes through tears and unbelief, but singing it out anyway that brings the victory.

I still play that song I sang as a child.  I still sing those same words He has done great things He has done great things, He has done great things, Bless His Holy Name.  And I will bless the Lord, Oh my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name.

I'm gonna get in touch with my 'inner black gospel self' now and bless the Lord with my man Andrae'.  LOVE me some Andrae'!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp-UOjstQ1o

Thanks for reading.

January winds

Bitter cold air.

Snow covering the grass.

Boots, snow pants, mittens and hats strewn about my living room.

Yes, winter has officially arrived.  It IS January after all, and I DO live in Michigan-so this should come as no surprise.  We've had such a mild December and January thus far that I almost forgot that it is winter.  Almost forgot, but not entirely.

My heart knows it's January.  January and I have a rocky relationship.  So much so that I almost hate to see it arrive.  The bitter cold winds of January have blown in some incredibly difficult times throughout my life.  

It was in January when I was 16 years old, I stood beside my Mamaw for days as she lay dying in the hospital.  It was late one January night when she drew in her last breath as I stood holding her hand.  It was that same January night that I saw my dad cry heaving sobs of grief and my aunts and cousins cry in overwhelming sorrow at the loss of their mother.   It was a few days later in January that Auntie V and I held onto one another so that both of us could stand, while we said our final "until we meet again" to this woman we both loved so much.  My Mamaw was my buddy and I still find myself missing her.

It was in January when I was 20 years old  that I had come to a place of such despair that I had given up on life completely.  I found myself in the psychiatric unit of a hospital for attempted suicide(this was the first in a long battle of depression and suicidal thinking and attempts).  It was one of the coldest winters that year.   It was that same January that my life was forever changed.  Circumstances in my life had reached a breaking point, my heart and soul were completely shattered into a million pieces, and I truly believed that my life was over.  I had lost all hope that my future would be anything but miserable.

To quote my mama's  favorite saying "But God".

God intervened and although circumstances were still broken, as were my heart and soul,  He made a way for healing and restoration.   God has redeemed the lost years and has worked (and continues to work) a miracle in my heart and life.  It was not quick.  It was not painless.  It was not pretty.  But in the end, the result of all that I have been through is a life filled with many testimonies of God's faithfulness.

Now 18 years later, it's January once again and I find myself in a state of transition.  In case you haven't gotten the memo on this blog of mine, I'm not a fan of change.  I like things to stay the same (I may have mentioned this a few hundred times on here).  But times they are a-changin', and I have found myself this January struggling with those changes and also with those same old feelings of desperation.    Those feelings that say "You can't make it"  "You don't have what it takes"  "You are weak".  "You are not enough".  But I have learned something in these past 18 years.  I have learned that rather than fight those intense waves of depression and flail in the water in a desperate attempt to save myself,  I cry out "save me Jesus" then  I say to those feelings "It's OK if I don't have what it takes, and yes I am weak, and I am most certainly not enough, but I can make it because God is all that I am not and He is willing and able to rescue me."   I know now, from past experiences, that every trial, every pain, every disappointment and every tear will make their way back around to testify of God's faithfulness and love.  God has a plan and His plans are always good.

To be honest,  I have many days where depression and anxiety still get the best of me, and I find myself more often than I'd like to admit in a place of flailing and near drowning.  I too often fail to remember the lessons I've learned and cry out for help.  Too often I look around at the storm and not on the hand reaching down to rescue me.  To fail to mention those struggles may lead you to think that I have it all together, and rest assured I do not.  But that's really the most beautiful thing of all isn't it?  That none of us really have it all together, but God does.  And while I am no where near where I want to be, I am so much better than I used to be.

Friends, when things look the darkest and the most hopeless, do not give up.  Never think for one moment that God can't turn things around.  I know He can take the most hopeless of circumstances and turn it into something beautiful.  It may not be quick, it may not be painless, it may not even be pretty, but in the end it will be beautiful.

I love this song.  Especially the part that says  "I have come undone, but I have just begun, changing by your grace"... God has blessed me beyond what I could have ever asked Him for, and the best part is that He's not through with me yet.  He is so good.
He can take anything we are willing to give Him and make it beautiful.

Thanks for reading.

Something Different This Way Comes

Today when I went to get my hair trimmed I went way radical.  OK, so maybe not way radical, but I did have my stylist cut me some bangs.  I haven't had bangs in years.  These new little hairs keep growing in the front and they have been driving me crazy, so I thought maybe some bangs would blend in with the new growth better.  They do, but I'm not used to them quite yet.  They feel a little awkward.  I keep brushing them away to try and mimic my previous style.  I will eventually stop sweeping them to the side and allow them their own spot on my forehead, but it may take a few days. 

See, I'm a whole lot  little reluctant to change things around, even something as simple as my hair.  I'm sure I've mentioned this before.  I know it's kind of a recurring theme in this blog (sheesh enough already right?).   I just like things to stay the same.  That way I know what to expect and I'm usually not disappointed.  Even if things aren't great, it doesn't matter so much because they are the same and I know what's coming.

 Sometimes I think of how I wish things would change, but then when I'm faced with the challenge to initiate my part in the change, I choke.  Even the most difficult situations are often easier to remain in than to initiate any part in changing them.  To know what is expected, to know what's coming, to know even that  negative things are inevitable is often an easier pill to swallow than the pill of the unknown.  Sometimes I wonder if that was one reason that Jesus asked the 38year invalid  laying by the pool of Bethesda (John chapter 5) if he wanted to be healed.  I wonder if He was like "Hey, are you really ready for everything to be different?"  That would be a valid question if it were me laying by that pool.  I wonder what my answer would've been? 

Please don't misunderstand, this is NOT a trait I value in myself.  In fact, just the opposite is true.  I want to be able to accept the inevitable changes that occur in life  with less heartache.  I want to be able to initiate change in situations I feel need changing, and be able to move on if a situation cannot be changed.    I want to be brave, but like my friend Piglet says "It's hard to be brave when you're only a very small animal."  and I so often feel so very small. 

But this I know, changes are coming.  Some have already taken place and I am not even close well on my way to adjusting to them.  Others I see off in the distance making their way to my reluctant heart.  I pray I will have the courage to embrace them, or at the very least not run screaming  in the opposite direction from them.  Because this I also know, some of the greatest work done in my heart has been worked in by the heartache of a major change in my life.  A friend of mine once quoted this to me and I often remember it when I sense changes coming.

You will remain the same  until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change.

Today I will accept those new bangs and work with them until they become a comfortable part of who I am. And I will continue to pray for the Lord's direction in the bigger changes I know are coming. I will remember the words Moses spoke to the people of Israel In Deuteronomy 31:8

⁸ The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

I may be a very small animal, but the Lord is mighty and He will not leave me all alone.

Thanks for reading.

Fall

Fall is my favorite time of year.   It's always been my favorite.  Even as a young child it surpassed summer in my heart.

Auntie V used to take her grandchildren and me to a fall festival every year to pick out a pumpkin and eat junk food and ride the very unsafe carnival rides they had set up at the festival.   It was something I looked forward to every year.  My 2nd cousins (her grandchildren-one girl close to my age and her brother a bit younger) were some of my favorite people to hang out with, and we always had a blast when we were together.   Life has a way of getting so busy that I don't keep in touch with my cousins often, but they still hold a very special place in my heart and memories.

Auntie V is a big part of why I love fall.  She loves fall too and decorated her house in "fallish" decorations to the max!  She shared her love for fall much like she shared the rest of her life.  She made it fun and warm and inviting by living in each moment and pointing out every good gift from our Creator.

I'm going to do the same.  I'm going to share some things I love about fall with my friends.

Fall is for school time


Fall is for beautiful colors

Fall is for the banded woolly bear caterpillar emerging from the egg and scooting along to find a home to wait out the winter months.

Fall is for pumpkin carving

And toasting pumpkin seeds

Fall is for picking apples

And making apple pie

Fall is for snuggling to stay warm while watching flag football on a Saturday morning

 Fall is for remembering that though  things must die, death is not the end of things-but instead a transformation. 
There are some things in my heart and life that need to die and blow away like the leaves on the trees.  I feel as though the Lord is stripping my heart  to expose those areas and prepare them for transformation.  I look prettier covered in leaves, for sure, but exposure is good and necessary. It  reminds me that I am in desperate need of  His love and His life.  He has to strip away my intense resistance to change, and as he prepares my heart for new things, I wait.

Much like my friend the banded woolly bear caterpillar who comes in the fall, eats and finds a place to wait out the winter, I too am "eating" and finding my place in Jesus to rest as I wait for transformation.   Because come spring, Woolly Bear will awake from his sleep, eat some more and spin his cocoon and in the Creator's timing, Woolly Bear will be transformed into the Isabella Tiger Moth.

A total transformation.

He makes all things new.

Happy Fall friends.