January winds

Bitter cold air.

Snow covering the grass.

Boots, snow pants, mittens and hats strewn about my living room.

Yes, winter has officially arrived.  It IS January after all, and I DO live in Michigan-so this should come as no surprise.  We've had such a mild December and January thus far that I almost forgot that it is winter.  Almost forgot, but not entirely.

My heart knows it's January.  January and I have a rocky relationship.  So much so that I almost hate to see it arrive.  The bitter cold winds of January have blown in some incredibly difficult times throughout my life.  

It was in January when I was 16 years old, I stood beside my Mamaw for days as she lay dying in the hospital.  It was late one January night when she drew in her last breath as I stood holding her hand.  It was that same January night that I saw my dad cry heaving sobs of grief and my aunts and cousins cry in overwhelming sorrow at the loss of their mother.   It was a few days later in January that Auntie V and I held onto one another so that both of us could stand, while we said our final "until we meet again" to this woman we both loved so much.  My Mamaw was my buddy and I still find myself missing her.

It was in January when I was 20 years old  that I had come to a place of such despair that I had given up on life completely.  I found myself in the psychiatric unit of a hospital for attempted suicide(this was the first in a long battle of depression and suicidal thinking and attempts).  It was one of the coldest winters that year.   It was that same January that my life was forever changed.  Circumstances in my life had reached a breaking point, my heart and soul were completely shattered into a million pieces, and I truly believed that my life was over.  I had lost all hope that my future would be anything but miserable.

To quote my mama's  favorite saying "But God".

God intervened and although circumstances were still broken, as were my heart and soul,  He made a way for healing and restoration.   God has redeemed the lost years and has worked (and continues to work) a miracle in my heart and life.  It was not quick.  It was not painless.  It was not pretty.  But in the end, the result of all that I have been through is a life filled with many testimonies of God's faithfulness.

Now 18 years later, it's January once again and I find myself in a state of transition.  In case you haven't gotten the memo on this blog of mine, I'm not a fan of change.  I like things to stay the same (I may have mentioned this a few hundred times on here).  But times they are a-changin', and I have found myself this January struggling with those changes and also with those same old feelings of desperation.    Those feelings that say "You can't make it"  "You don't have what it takes"  "You are weak".  "You are not enough".  But I have learned something in these past 18 years.  I have learned that rather than fight those intense waves of depression and flail in the water in a desperate attempt to save myself,  I cry out "save me Jesus" then  I say to those feelings "It's OK if I don't have what it takes, and yes I am weak, and I am most certainly not enough, but I can make it because God is all that I am not and He is willing and able to rescue me."   I know now, from past experiences, that every trial, every pain, every disappointment and every tear will make their way back around to testify of God's faithfulness and love.  God has a plan and His plans are always good.

To be honest,  I have many days where depression and anxiety still get the best of me, and I find myself more often than I'd like to admit in a place of flailing and near drowning.  I too often fail to remember the lessons I've learned and cry out for help.  Too often I look around at the storm and not on the hand reaching down to rescue me.  To fail to mention those struggles may lead you to think that I have it all together, and rest assured I do not.  But that's really the most beautiful thing of all isn't it?  That none of us really have it all together, but God does.  And while I am no where near where I want to be, I am so much better than I used to be.

Friends, when things look the darkest and the most hopeless, do not give up.  Never think for one moment that God can't turn things around.  I know He can take the most hopeless of circumstances and turn it into something beautiful.  It may not be quick, it may not be painless, it may not even be pretty, but in the end it will be beautiful.

I love this song.  Especially the part that says  "I have come undone, but I have just begun, changing by your grace"... God has blessed me beyond what I could have ever asked Him for, and the best part is that He's not through with me yet.  He is so good.
He can take anything we are willing to give Him and make it beautiful.

Thanks for reading.