Seed planting and faith walking

What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.-Pericles

Life seems to come full circle on things.  Things that were spoken into our lives take root and slowly grow until they mature into actions and life choices.   I am convinced that we are all created for a specific purpose and are part of a plan that goes beyond ourselves.  I am convinced that many of us never realize this, because we are too caught up in what we think we are supposed to do and be, what others want us to do and be or maybe what we think is admirable to do and be-at least it's been that way for me.  I am convinced we miss out on a greater blessing in our lives when we do this, because God says in His word that the plans He has for us are good and hopeful-Jeremiah 29:11  How much better would it be if we just fell in line with God's plan for us?  I am convinced it would be much better.  He has never failed me yet, even though I have failed Him.

Throughout every circumstance in my life-many of which are painful, He has always been faithful to provide everything I needed.  Sometimes that came through special people he brought into my life, and other times it came through the anguish of having no one at all to understand and relying solely on Him.  I am convinced He will use everything that I have been through for His glory and my good.  He is a good God, even when things around us are not good.   I am convinced there is a purpose in every pain we experience.  He wastes nothing.

When I was around 14 years old, my mamaw (my dad's mom) had open heart surgery.  She suffered a stroke during the surgery which left her paralyzed on her left side.  While she was in the hospital, I would visit her often and help care for her.  I would nag ask her if she was doing her exercises and then I'd do them with her.  I would put her compression hose on her legs for better circulation.  Oh, did I forget to mention that I put it on kinda backward?  The hole is for the toes, not the heel-in case you ever have to put one of those things on.   I helped feed her.  Yea OK, so I accidentally put the sugar packet on her mashed potatoes instead of the salt packet-I was only 14!  Gimme a break huh?   In spite of all my nagging, ruining her mashed potatoes, forcing her to do her exercises, and failing to put her hose on properly, my mamaw would tell all her doctors and nurses that I was her nurse.  In fact, she would also tell everyone how I saved her leg by propping it up for her until the paralysis was gone and she could move her own leg.    Yep.  I was real miracle worker.  (Must've been the way I put on those compression hose!).    Even at 14 I knew I had not saved her leg.  I also knew I was no nurse by any means-mamaw was a diabetic.  Sugar on her mashed potatoes was sort of a  bad mistake.    Even though it was hard to watch her deteriorate and pass away two years later, something was planted in me in caring for my Mamaw.  

A couple of years ago someone I was very close to was dying of Cancer.  She was one of the strongest most faithful women I have ever known.  She was a mom to me.   Helping take care of her as she was dying was hard because I so wanted her to be well.  But even in the difficulty came a blessing.  To be able to give back to her a little bit of what she had given to me was a beautiful gift I was given.  And all throughout her dying days, she watered that seed planted years ago.

Last summer I helped care for my bonus son who was in a terrible accident.  It was an awful time for all of us.  He was in so much pain that it just broke my heart.   He went through so much.   But as difficult as it was to watch him suffer, I wouldn't trade one minute of time I spent with him.  It was worth every moment when I see him walking and smiling now.  Through that time that plant grew a little bit more.

Now I have found myself in a new season of my life-in many areas-one of which happens to have landed me back in a classroom.   I have started training to work part time as a nursing assistant.  Quite possibly doing the very things I have done to help the ones I love-minus the backward hose and sugar mashed potatoes.    My mamaw & my mama P.  have left behind so much more than could ever fit on an engraved stone.  They have woven a part of God's plan for my life right into my heart.

Sometimes I start to panic-I know, you're shocked.  I wonder how this is all going to work out.  My primary job is educating my children.  Being a mom and homeschooling the children are full time tasks all on their own.  How in the world am I going to fit in working a few nights a week?  Am I ever going to be able to sleep?  Can I really consume MORE coffee than I already drink?  Then I breathe and remember that God's plans for my life are good and hopeful.  He is going to work out the details.  I don't have to figure it all out.  I only have to take one step at a time.  Right now, the only step I know He's guided me to take is getting through the classes and the state test.  

The rest is unclear.   

But I suppose that's all part of the faith walk.  Trusting.  Following.  Believing.

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." -Dr. Martin Luther King

Thanks for reading.

Songs for the Season

I have recently discovered Pinterest.  My friend was so excited to see me on Pinterest, that she dedicated one of her boards to things that I might like.  Today she had a saying on there that said "For every situation, there's a suitable line from a song".  My friend knows me so well.  I have often identified with songs throughout the seasons of my life.  Music has been a balm on my wounded soul over and over again.

I remember as a young girl, we had an 8-track tape (yea, I'm that old) of Andrae' Crouch.  I was cleaning one day and listening to that tape and the song "Bless His Holy Name" came on.  I remember I stopped cleaning and just got lost in the song.  I sat in the chair and just soaked in every word and note of the song.  Then I played it again.  And again.   And again.   I let it sink in.  Then I sang my little heart out.  Bless the Lord, Oh my soul and all that is within me bless His Holy name...

 I do that kind of thing when I'm letting a song sink into my soul.  I play it over and over again (just ask my kids-they find this VERY annoying).  Then I sing my heart out (which, I'm sure, my kids also find annoying).

This season of life I'm in now is one of changes.  Lots of  changes on the outside but many more changes inside of me.  It has been a difficult time, because (and if you've read this blog before, you already know this) I do not adjust easily to changes.  During this time I have found a "suitable line from a song" almost every day for what I am going through.  I wanted to share a couple with you in case any of you are going through a season of difficulty and could benefit from some good soul songs.

Bethany Dillon sings a song called Be Near Me that has really hit home.  Some of the lyrics are:

I follow all the rules
Well, at least I'm trying
Hoping when my days are through
You'll be pleased
I've lived the longest days
Thinking my heart was so bad
Too scared to look in your face
Oh, if only I had
And is it alright
If I stay here all night
By the shoreline[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/bethany_dillon/be_near_me.html 
I cannot believe you are angry or unjust
You've done nothing but have compassion on us
So be near me when I've given up
Be near me

For all of my 38 years, I have been so afraid to look for the face of God.  To seek Him and be near to Him seemed too frightening of a thing to even consider.  This may seem odd for a girl who was raised in church and saved by grace at the age of 7, but it's true.  I served God and loved Him all of my life, but I could not look at Him and know that I was accepted.  I could not draw close to Him.  I tried my best to follow all the rules hoping I could work hard enough to be loved  and yet I too spent most of my days thinking my heart was so bad that I couldn't come closer.  I've been so caught up in self-loathing that I had fallen from the grace that saved me in the first place.  I  am well familiar with the scriptures.  I know Ephesians 2:8 by heart, and could recite it at anytime, and yet the meaning of that verse had not yet reached the depths of my soul.  I knew I was saved by faith, but how could I be sure of God's approval.  How could I be sure He was not angry at me for all my failures and missteps?  Surely I have not proven myself worthy to stand before Him.  Surely He would never desire to be near me, especially when I had given up.  

So very recently, God has begun to show me all the ways He desires to be near us.  He loves when we stay all night by the shoreline and are washed over with waves of His love.   He looks at us through the finished work of Jesus.  He call us accepted in the beloved (Ephesians 1:6)  Grace.  Grace. and more Grace.   Even when my faith is so weak and I am ready to give up, He is ever waiting. 

He has only just begun to work this in me, and I still find it a difficult thing to believe in the day to day running of my life.  So when I feel lost and I don't understand, I whisper "Be near me when I've given up, Be near me."  And He is always there with compassion.   He is faithful.

Do not be afraid, friends.  He desires a close relationship.  Call out to Him, whatever state you are in, and He will accept you just as you are.
There's an old song "Just As I am"  and there's is a newer version of it that adds this bridge


I come broken to mended
I come wounded to be healed
I come desperate to be rescued 
I come empty to be filled
I come guilty to be pardoned 
By the blood of Christ the Lamb
And I'm welcomed with open arms
Praise God, Just as I am. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gGBMv42dJY

God has used music to touch my heart and soothe my soul throughout my life.  Often times, when I'm listening to that song for the 80th time and singing my heart out to the Lord, something changes in my soul.  I was talking to a friend recently about my struggle with anxiety and depression and she told me "in your gift of singing is your deliverance".  I have thought a lot about those words.  God is so gracious to give us everything we need to overcome those things that would take us down.   For me it is singing my heart out, sometimes through tears and unbelief, but singing it out anyway that brings the victory.

I still play that song I sang as a child.  I still sing those same words He has done great things He has done great things, He has done great things, Bless His Holy Name.  And I will bless the Lord, Oh my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name.

I'm gonna get in touch with my 'inner black gospel self' now and bless the Lord with my man Andrae'.  LOVE me some Andrae'!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp-UOjstQ1o

Thanks for reading.

Fall

Fall is my favorite time of year.   It's always been my favorite.  Even as a young child it surpassed summer in my heart.

Auntie V used to take her grandchildren and me to a fall festival every year to pick out a pumpkin and eat junk food and ride the very unsafe carnival rides they had set up at the festival.   It was something I looked forward to every year.  My 2nd cousins (her grandchildren-one girl close to my age and her brother a bit younger) were some of my favorite people to hang out with, and we always had a blast when we were together.   Life has a way of getting so busy that I don't keep in touch with my cousins often, but they still hold a very special place in my heart and memories.

Auntie V is a big part of why I love fall.  She loves fall too and decorated her house in "fallish" decorations to the max!  She shared her love for fall much like she shared the rest of her life.  She made it fun and warm and inviting by living in each moment and pointing out every good gift from our Creator.

I'm going to do the same.  I'm going to share some things I love about fall with my friends.

Fall is for school time


Fall is for beautiful colors

Fall is for the banded woolly bear caterpillar emerging from the egg and scooting along to find a home to wait out the winter months.

Fall is for pumpkin carving

And toasting pumpkin seeds

Fall is for picking apples

And making apple pie

Fall is for snuggling to stay warm while watching flag football on a Saturday morning

 Fall is for remembering that though  things must die, death is not the end of things-but instead a transformation. 
There are some things in my heart and life that need to die and blow away like the leaves on the trees.  I feel as though the Lord is stripping my heart  to expose those areas and prepare them for transformation.  I look prettier covered in leaves, for sure, but exposure is good and necessary. It  reminds me that I am in desperate need of  His love and His life.  He has to strip away my intense resistance to change, and as he prepares my heart for new things, I wait.

Much like my friend the banded woolly bear caterpillar who comes in the fall, eats and finds a place to wait out the winter, I too am "eating" and finding my place in Jesus to rest as I wait for transformation.   Because come spring, Woolly Bear will awake from his sleep, eat some more and spin his cocoon and in the Creator's timing, Woolly Bear will be transformed into the Isabella Tiger Moth.

A total transformation.

He makes all things new.

Happy Fall friends.

Auntie V

It's funny how things happen sometimes.

Earlier today I was thinking about (finally) getting back to the blog.  I had some things swirling around in my head.  I had decided to write about my Auntie V.  I found a plaque that she had given me when I was a little girl, and I brought it downstairs and took a picture of it to share with you all.

She will be 80 years old in December, but you'd never know it.  She's as feisty as a 40 year old, and as zany as a gypsy.  She lives in southwest KY in a little town. 

We have plans to drive down for a visit in October. 

My mom called me about an hour ago and told me that Auntie V  had a heart attack today and is in the hospital.  We don't know any more than that.  This isn't her first one.  She had open heart surgery a number of years ago, and she had a heart attack a few months ago.  She had a pacemaker put in at that time. 
I had called her on Saturday to wish her a Happy Mother's Day, and when I talked to her, she told me she wasn't feeling well.  I didn't realize how sick she really was.  I guess she didn't either.

I'm going to go ahead and write what I had swirling around in my head earlier today-before I knew Auntie V had another heart attack.  But I do have to say, it sure is strange how things happen sometimes.

I have the best Aunt ever. 

She is my buddy.  My life-long pal.  My zany-laugh at the strangest times-eat frozen yogurt with-get lost EVERY TIME we'd go anywhere together-animal loving Auntie.   Anyone who has ever spent any time with her would agree she's a one-of-a-kind.

The children in her Sunday School class(yes, she still teaches Sunday School) introduce her as "weird" or "crazy".  That's why they love her so much.  She will say "I love weird and I love crazy, but I love weird more than crazy."  She's a quirky one.

She always had time for me.

  Growing up, she and I were together a lot.  I would go over to her house on Sunday afternoons and play with all of her knick-knack animals.

I often refer to her as the Queen of Knick-knacks.  She has a ridiculous amount of them.

She has two grandchildren around my age, and we would often spend the night at her house together.  She would take us shopping at Woolworth.  My parents always gave me a few dollars to buy something and Auntie V would say,
 "Why don't you let me hold that money for you so you don't lose it."
"I won't lose it." I would reply.

Yeah, I lost it.  Several times.  She'd still buy me a little something anyway.

At night, all of us kids would be on the floor in our sleeping bags and she would tell us scary stories.  She'd make sure to tell our favorite one too.  And we would jump every time at the end, even though we knew what was coming. 

I stayed with her a lot growing up.  We would eat frozen yogurt for breakfast.  And lunch.  And dinner. 

She taught me the joy of helping others.
She would take me with her to the nursing home to minister to people there.  She brought me along to help her clean for a sick friend.  She taught me how to serve others in the kitchen at church and down in the Baptist Center kitchen in Detroit. 

She taught me how to look past the outside appearance of others, and not to judge.  Instead, she would say, love them, and look past all that and look into their heart.   

She was not afraid to knock me down a peg or two if I started to get "too big for my britches".  In other words, no prideful attitudes allowed.  Stay humble before the Lord and He will lift you up, she would say. 

She didn't treat me like a child.  She treated me like a person.  She let me just be who I was-and I was a strange child-without judgement.  She just let me be.

She taught me the value of a sense of humor.  Even in the most tragic, heartbreaking situations, she and I could always find a way to laugh.

Laughter is good medicine.

Most importantly, she taught me to love.  Love God.  Love others.  Above all other things, love.  Love from your heart, even if you are not loved in return.  Love.

I am so grateful for the things she has taught me.  I am grateful for the way she taught me as well.  She was never condescending-as though she was so wise and I was so small.  Never.  We were both people who were walking out this life with the Lord and we could learn from each other.  She never lectured.  She didn't have to.  I heard her message by her actions.

That's the beauty of being an Auntie, you can be a pal instead of a parent.

We've stayed buddies for all these years.  We still talk(and talk and talk...) on the phone regularly and I just soak up every last minute I can get.  We still laugh at the silliest things, and she still brings joy to my heart. 

I think Aunties are a special kind of thing.  As an Auntie, you get the chance to love and play and have fun and give frozen yogurt treats for breakfast.  Lunch.  And Dinner.  You can tell things to your Auntie that maybe you can't tell anyone else.  She can be your pal while teaching you things you aren't even aware that your learning. 

It wasn't until years later that I realized all the things I had learned from my Auntie V.

She gave me this plaque when I was a kid, because she said the little girl looked just like I did, and she loved the little poem.

It says:
God made little girls...
to laugh and dance and sing
with laughing eyes and bouncing curls,
with joyful hearts and infectious smile,
enchanting ways and feminine wiles.
For the world, when seen thru a little girl's eyes
greatly resembles paradise.

Whether you are an Auntie, or a friend who is like an Auntie, never forget the impact your kindness will have on a child.  Remember that they will watch and listen and learn from you. 

Teach them to love.  It makes all the difference.

Thanks for reading.