On turning 40...

Forty isn't old, if you're a tree-anonymous 

Today I turn 40, the big 4-0.  I'd love to impress you with all the cool things I did to usher in a new decade, but I spent the last day of my 30s pretty uneventfully.  I cleaned some things around the house, did some laundry, got myself a coffee on my way into work, and spent the afternoon and evening at work-with people MUCH older than 40.   Suddenly, 40 didn't seem so old after all.  Ahhh, perspective.     After work, I came home and said "goodbye" to my 30s.    I thought about some things.  I thought about a lot of things.  

I clearly remember when I was about to turn 30.  That was a hard birthday.  I knew I was supposed to really be a grown up and have my act together at 30, but I wasn't even anywhere close to having much of anything together.   I thought, well maybe I'd have it figured out when I hit 40.  Now I'm 40 and the more I learn the less I feel I really know.   

But that's OK.  At 40 I'm not thinking about how I'm going to figure things out anymore.  I don't need to.  Figuring things out isn't really working for me.  Trusting and believing and staying true to the One who knit me together,  planned out every one of my days, and wrote them in a book before I was even born-that's where I need to keep my focus. (Psalm 139:13-16)  Even when I don't understand, I just need to keep walking-walking ahead, walking through the pain in the night and walking in the joy that comes in the morning, walking through "goodbyes", walking through endings, walking through new beginnings, walking in the wind and rain and sunshine and warm breezes alike, walking the course that has been set before me, and following the examples of those who are faithful in their walk and those who have been faithful and have finished their course.   Just walking faithfully in His plan for my life, no matter what lies ahead.

I am blessed to have others that link their arms with mine and choose to walk with me.   God has made us and fashioned us for relationships, with Himself and with each other.   I'm grateful for those I call friends(family included).   One of my heart-sister friends introduced me, some time ago, to Patty Griffin (one of my favorite artists)  She has this song called 10 million miles, that I love love love.  
"I must've walked 10 million miles" and I'm sure I have at least as many miles left to walk.   And so even when I don't understand my path I must keep walking.   When the clouds are blocking the light and I don't know which way this path is leading, when I can only see directly in front of me,  I must keep walking.   My friends, let us walk on in the path that is set before us.  Let's  not veer off, even if another way  looks better, even if the path we are on is suddenly looking pretty scary, even if we lose people along the way,  even if our path is rough and we see  pain up ahead, let us stay the course.   Because we know that He works ALL things out for our good when we love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28) Even when we may feel alone,  let's remember that  He has promised to never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  
At 40 years old I am so grateful that I have never walked a single mile alone.  Thank you to all my friends who have walked with me.  I "search for your sweet face" as I walk, for encouragement to keep on keepin' on.  

And friends, if I should  start to repeat to you the same story I told you yesterday, or start discussing my popping knee joint and sore back, or worse yet, continuously discuss how often my bowels move, all I can say is I'm 40 and walking 10 million miles takes its toll.

Thanks for reading.

Seed planting and faith walking

What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.-Pericles

Life seems to come full circle on things.  Things that were spoken into our lives take root and slowly grow until they mature into actions and life choices.   I am convinced that we are all created for a specific purpose and are part of a plan that goes beyond ourselves.  I am convinced that many of us never realize this, because we are too caught up in what we think we are supposed to do and be, what others want us to do and be or maybe what we think is admirable to do and be-at least it's been that way for me.  I am convinced we miss out on a greater blessing in our lives when we do this, because God says in His word that the plans He has for us are good and hopeful-Jeremiah 29:11  How much better would it be if we just fell in line with God's plan for us?  I am convinced it would be much better.  He has never failed me yet, even though I have failed Him.

Throughout every circumstance in my life-many of which are painful, He has always been faithful to provide everything I needed.  Sometimes that came through special people he brought into my life, and other times it came through the anguish of having no one at all to understand and relying solely on Him.  I am convinced He will use everything that I have been through for His glory and my good.  He is a good God, even when things around us are not good.   I am convinced there is a purpose in every pain we experience.  He wastes nothing.

When I was around 14 years old, my mamaw (my dad's mom) had open heart surgery.  She suffered a stroke during the surgery which left her paralyzed on her left side.  While she was in the hospital, I would visit her often and help care for her.  I would nag ask her if she was doing her exercises and then I'd do them with her.  I would put her compression hose on her legs for better circulation.  Oh, did I forget to mention that I put it on kinda backward?  The hole is for the toes, not the heel-in case you ever have to put one of those things on.   I helped feed her.  Yea OK, so I accidentally put the sugar packet on her mashed potatoes instead of the salt packet-I was only 14!  Gimme a break huh?   In spite of all my nagging, ruining her mashed potatoes, forcing her to do her exercises, and failing to put her hose on properly, my mamaw would tell all her doctors and nurses that I was her nurse.  In fact, she would also tell everyone how I saved her leg by propping it up for her until the paralysis was gone and she could move her own leg.    Yep.  I was real miracle worker.  (Must've been the way I put on those compression hose!).    Even at 14 I knew I had not saved her leg.  I also knew I was no nurse by any means-mamaw was a diabetic.  Sugar on her mashed potatoes was sort of a  bad mistake.    Even though it was hard to watch her deteriorate and pass away two years later, something was planted in me in caring for my Mamaw.  

A couple of years ago someone I was very close to was dying of Cancer.  She was one of the strongest most faithful women I have ever known.  She was a mom to me.   Helping take care of her as she was dying was hard because I so wanted her to be well.  But even in the difficulty came a blessing.  To be able to give back to her a little bit of what she had given to me was a beautiful gift I was given.  And all throughout her dying days, she watered that seed planted years ago.

Last summer I helped care for my bonus son who was in a terrible accident.  It was an awful time for all of us.  He was in so much pain that it just broke my heart.   He went through so much.   But as difficult as it was to watch him suffer, I wouldn't trade one minute of time I spent with him.  It was worth every moment when I see him walking and smiling now.  Through that time that plant grew a little bit more.

Now I have found myself in a new season of my life-in many areas-one of which happens to have landed me back in a classroom.   I have started training to work part time as a nursing assistant.  Quite possibly doing the very things I have done to help the ones I love-minus the backward hose and sugar mashed potatoes.    My mamaw & my mama P.  have left behind so much more than could ever fit on an engraved stone.  They have woven a part of God's plan for my life right into my heart.

Sometimes I start to panic-I know, you're shocked.  I wonder how this is all going to work out.  My primary job is educating my children.  Being a mom and homeschooling the children are full time tasks all on their own.  How in the world am I going to fit in working a few nights a week?  Am I ever going to be able to sleep?  Can I really consume MORE coffee than I already drink?  Then I breathe and remember that God's plans for my life are good and hopeful.  He is going to work out the details.  I don't have to figure it all out.  I only have to take one step at a time.  Right now, the only step I know He's guided me to take is getting through the classes and the state test.  

The rest is unclear.   

But I suppose that's all part of the faith walk.  Trusting.  Following.  Believing.

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." -Dr. Martin Luther King

Thanks for reading.