Something Different This Way Comes

Today when I went to get my hair trimmed I went way radical.  OK, so maybe not way radical, but I did have my stylist cut me some bangs.  I haven't had bangs in years.  These new little hairs keep growing in the front and they have been driving me crazy, so I thought maybe some bangs would blend in with the new growth better.  They do, but I'm not used to them quite yet.  They feel a little awkward.  I keep brushing them away to try and mimic my previous style.  I will eventually stop sweeping them to the side and allow them their own spot on my forehead, but it may take a few days. 

See, I'm a whole lot  little reluctant to change things around, even something as simple as my hair.  I'm sure I've mentioned this before.  I know it's kind of a recurring theme in this blog (sheesh enough already right?).   I just like things to stay the same.  That way I know what to expect and I'm usually not disappointed.  Even if things aren't great, it doesn't matter so much because they are the same and I know what's coming.

 Sometimes I think of how I wish things would change, but then when I'm faced with the challenge to initiate my part in the change, I choke.  Even the most difficult situations are often easier to remain in than to initiate any part in changing them.  To know what is expected, to know what's coming, to know even that  negative things are inevitable is often an easier pill to swallow than the pill of the unknown.  Sometimes I wonder if that was one reason that Jesus asked the 38year invalid  laying by the pool of Bethesda (John chapter 5) if he wanted to be healed.  I wonder if He was like "Hey, are you really ready for everything to be different?"  That would be a valid question if it were me laying by that pool.  I wonder what my answer would've been? 

Please don't misunderstand, this is NOT a trait I value in myself.  In fact, just the opposite is true.  I want to be able to accept the inevitable changes that occur in life  with less heartache.  I want to be able to initiate change in situations I feel need changing, and be able to move on if a situation cannot be changed.    I want to be brave, but like my friend Piglet says "It's hard to be brave when you're only a very small animal."  and I so often feel so very small. 

But this I know, changes are coming.  Some have already taken place and I am not even close well on my way to adjusting to them.  Others I see off in the distance making their way to my reluctant heart.  I pray I will have the courage to embrace them, or at the very least not run screaming  in the opposite direction from them.  Because this I also know, some of the greatest work done in my heart has been worked in by the heartache of a major change in my life.  A friend of mine once quoted this to me and I often remember it when I sense changes coming.

You will remain the same  until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change.

Today I will accept those new bangs and work with them until they become a comfortable part of who I am. And I will continue to pray for the Lord's direction in the bigger changes I know are coming. I will remember the words Moses spoke to the people of Israel In Deuteronomy 31:8

⁸ The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

I may be a very small animal, but the Lord is mighty and He will not leave me all alone.

Thanks for reading.

Never Alone

To all my friends out there who feel alone in their struggle with  depression, this  message is for you.

You are not Alone

I see you sitting in the darkness alone
I see you wipe the tears from your face
I see the regret you hold your heart
I see the things time could not erase

I hear when you say "I'm not enough"
I hear when you say "I can not go on"
I hear your heart cry for some other way
I hear when you say "I'm already gone"

I feel the desperate beat of your heart
I feel the pain of the way that you live
I feel the discouragement that shadows your soul
I feel the burden as you work to forgive

I know that you so often feel powerless
I know that you feel you should've been strong
I know that you feel you should have done more
I know that you think that you are so wrong

I see you and hear you, you are never alone
I am here with you bearing the weight
I feel your desperation and know all your longings
I know that you're broken, but  it's never too late

Hold onto me, and stay in my love
Hold onto the ones who love you for you
Hold onto the truth that you have been taught
Hold onto my hand, and I will bring you through.


Isaiah 41:13
“For I am the LORD your God, who upholds your right hand,
Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’

You bring me Joy

This is it.

Tonight is my Sweet Pea's last night of being a single digit girl.  Tomorrow she will be 10.

Wow.  10 years have gone by already.  Seems strange, when I look at her,  to think that she is the same sweet baby I brought home 10 years ago.  Then I look right at her face, and it doesn't seem strange at all.

Of my three, she is by far the most laid back.  As an infant, she slept on her own right away-unlike her siblings.  She woke up happy and singing to herself as a toddler.  She played often by herself quietly.  She was so quiet in the car that I often checked and re-checked to make sure I hadn't left her behind.

She isn't always quiet now though.  When she gets the giggles look out.  She laughs uncontrollably with no reserve.  While it is sometimes madly inappropriate, there's something about watching her laugh that makes me smile.

 She is often in her own world-much like I was at her age.  There's that saying, you know, the one that talks about marching to the beat of a different drummer.  Yea, well my Sweet Pea doesn't march at all.  She dances to the sound of a flute or something.

When my children were babies, I would often sing to them.  With each child came a special song, one that I would sing over and over to them in particular.  Sweet Pea's song is You Bring Me Joy by Anita Baker.  That is the song I would sing to her over and over, and it is still the song in my heart when I think about her.  Her gentle spirit, her giggles, her dance through life, these all bring joy to my heart.

You bring me joy, when I'm down oh, so much joy
When I lose my way your love comes smiling on me
I saw your face and then I knew we would be friends
I was so afraid, but your arms they said come to me


Being a parent has been one terrific, yet horribly frightening ride for me.  A ride that has left me, on more than one occasion, begging the operator to let me off of NOW!  But it is also one that has brought with it so much joy, and much of that joy is found in the gentle, giggling, dancing girl I call Sweet Pea.

                                           My sweet pea at 2 months

                                           My Sweet Pea with her dog on her last day of being 9

Happy Birthday Sweet Pea.  I love you.  You bring me joy.

Fall

Fall is my favorite time of year.   It's always been my favorite.  Even as a young child it surpassed summer in my heart.

Auntie V used to take her grandchildren and me to a fall festival every year to pick out a pumpkin and eat junk food and ride the very unsafe carnival rides they had set up at the festival.   It was something I looked forward to every year.  My 2nd cousins (her grandchildren-one girl close to my age and her brother a bit younger) were some of my favorite people to hang out with, and we always had a blast when we were together.   Life has a way of getting so busy that I don't keep in touch with my cousins often, but they still hold a very special place in my heart and memories.

Auntie V is a big part of why I love fall.  She loves fall too and decorated her house in "fallish" decorations to the max!  She shared her love for fall much like she shared the rest of her life.  She made it fun and warm and inviting by living in each moment and pointing out every good gift from our Creator.

I'm going to do the same.  I'm going to share some things I love about fall with my friends.

Fall is for school time


Fall is for beautiful colors

Fall is for the banded woolly bear caterpillar emerging from the egg and scooting along to find a home to wait out the winter months.

Fall is for pumpkin carving

And toasting pumpkin seeds

Fall is for picking apples

And making apple pie

Fall is for snuggling to stay warm while watching flag football on a Saturday morning

 Fall is for remembering that though  things must die, death is not the end of things-but instead a transformation. 
There are some things in my heart and life that need to die and blow away like the leaves on the trees.  I feel as though the Lord is stripping my heart  to expose those areas and prepare them for transformation.  I look prettier covered in leaves, for sure, but exposure is good and necessary. It  reminds me that I am in desperate need of  His love and His life.  He has to strip away my intense resistance to change, and as he prepares my heart for new things, I wait.

Much like my friend the banded woolly bear caterpillar who comes in the fall, eats and finds a place to wait out the winter, I too am "eating" and finding my place in Jesus to rest as I wait for transformation.   Because come spring, Woolly Bear will awake from his sleep, eat some more and spin his cocoon and in the Creator's timing, Woolly Bear will be transformed into the Isabella Tiger Moth.

A total transformation.

He makes all things new.

Happy Fall friends.

Dr.s and cds and skies...OH MY!

I sat down at the computer today and I thought my last post on here was only a week or so ago. 

I was wrong. 

How is October already?  I have lost track of time in a big way.  So I've decided I had better start making my "New Year's Resolutions" now. 

1.  Writing on this blog more often
2.  Think of some more resolutions...(Hey! It's only October.  I've got time) ;)

So October has us fully into our school year.   At the end of our day, you'll find our floors littered with books and papers.  We pick up as we rush to get ready for whatever activity will be filling our evening.  Our lives are busy and full, and although we like it that way I do tend to lose track of time in the whirl of activity. 

But here I am sitting down for a moment now trying to capture some of those crazy thoughts swirling about in my head to share with my friends.  You have missed my crazy thoughts haven't you???

I recently visited a new GI Doc.(gastroenterologist) to see if we could find a solution to this perpetual stomach pain I've been having.  My stomach and I have a long history of not getting along well together.  Lately it's been acting up in a big way and I thought a trip to the Dr. might get that tummy back in line.  He ordered some blood work,  gave me a couple new suggestions, and also a new medication to try.  All in all I liked him and I'm hoping my stomach will turn from its evil ways and behave better in the future. 

The thing about a new Dr. though, is that they ask you about your history, your hospitalizations, your past medications, and all kinds of other info.  In other words-they get all up in your business.  There are lots of things I don't love to talk about, and there are lots of places I've been that I don't enjoy re-visiting.  But because they are relevant to my health, there are things I have to say, places I have to re-visit, and stories I have to tell my new Dr.  So I did, and I left with an intense desire to run home and climb under my blankie and hide. 

A friend of mine sent me several CDs of teachings from her church and there was this one about keeping secrets vs. living a transparent life.  The speaker gave a testimony of some things she had been through.  She took things she had hidden from the world, things she pretended to be and not to be and she "hung them out on the line" for all to see.   She spoke about the freedom we have as we live in God's grace. 

 Interestingly enough, I had popped that  CD in my van and listened to it on the way to the Dr.  not realizing how much I would need to hear what she was sharing.  I would need to hear her testimony of how God brought her out of the shame of her past and into His glorious grace.

He makes all things new.  I love that. 

Thinking about what I had listened to on that CD, and the visit I had with my Dr. reminded me of a picture I had taken a week or so ago.  It had been rainy and dreary all day that day and the evening was more of the same.  The children and I had to run to the drug store and on our way home we pulled over to just take a minute to stare at the night sky.  It was dark on all sides, except this one area of the sky looked differently than the rest.  Just a sliver of light shining through the darkness on one side of my car window made me stop and take notice.   I snapped a photo with my cell phone. It's not a great photo, but you can see the sliver of light shining through an otherwise blackened sky.

I realized something as I remembered that picture and thought about my Dr. visit and the teaching on that CD.

Sometimes it is in our darkest places that His light is the most noticeable. 
When all other areas look hopeless, the light of His love shines through the darkness.  I will always see that, but only if I stop to look.

As I remember those dark skies of the past and as I live through some dark skies in the present, I must look and see the light of God's glory and grace in every situation.  That is what will carry me through.  As I put away the shame of past events and become more transparent, my prayer is that I can help others find the light in their own personal darkness.  As I admit my brokenness and His strength in my weakness, perhaps someone else will see His light shining through.

Because I have to believe that God will use every dark sky I have experienced for His glory.  I have to believe that not a single tear I have cried will be wasted.  I have to believe in a plan greater than I can see with my eyes.  I have to believe that by "hanging my things on the line", sharing my pain, and becoming more transparent, that the light of God's glorious grace and perfect love in my dark skies will be made visible to others.  And that those who see His light will run to Him-because He is our help in times of trouble.

And I can continue on regardless of the past and the effects that continue to invade my present, because I choose to believe He is making all things new.

Look for His light in your dark skies, friends.  It's there.  I promise.  He will never fail, though others may, He will never fail you. 

He makes all things new.

Thanks for reading.

Best laid plans...

The best laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft a-gley.--Robert Burns ("To a Mouse")
Quoted popularly today as- The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.

No truer words have been spoken Robert Burns-no truer words. 

This past week I had some plans.

I had me some (might I humbly add) rocking-solid-awesome PU-LANS.

I even had a planner in which all of my plans were written in an orderly planner-like manner.

Those of you who know me know that I'm not often a planner kind of gal.  Oh, not that I don't try.  I try good and hard with planners a-plenty.  I just forget to write in them.  Then if I remember to write in them, I actually forget to look in them at what I've written.  So, I end up being more of a "fly by the seat of my pants girl" than a "well organized-ducks in a row girl". 

BUT this week was going to be different.  In fact this homeschool year is going to be different.  I bought THE best planner in the whole world (all the reviews said so).  My sister even has a planner by this same company and she said it was her favorite EVER.  (Sidenote:  My sister is like planner supreme, queen of all things well planned, a planner super-hero with a cape and everything.  It's a disgusting natural gift of hers.  SO, you see why her endorsement of a planner holds some serious weight in my eyes).  As soon as this planner was in my hands,  I knew it was going to change my life, and I got busy writing in it.

This was the week I had planned to begin our schooling.  SO, I planned out my week's activities, lesson plans, menu, homeschool assignments for the children and their chores.  My book shelves were cleaned and re-organzied with all of our current books in place.  My binder was ready.   Kids' binders were ready.  Pencils, crayons, glue and notebooks had been purchased and were all in their proper places ready for some serious use.  
THEN:

OH!!  Hello giant brick wall.  OUCH!  

Last Sunday evening found me laying in a bed at the ER for severe abdominal pain(which I will post about another time-but I'm fine). 

Monday found me following up my ER visit with a visit to my own Dr.   The rest of Monday was spent laying on the couch sick sick sick.  So long Monday plans...

Tuesday, my bonus son-who is still in the hospital- had another major surgery.   I was still sick on the couch most of that day, while hubby was at the hospital keeping me (and my frazzled nerves) updated via texting.  So long Tuesday plans...

The rest of the week was taken up with another visit to the dr. and taking daily shifts sitting at the hospital with my bonus son, since this surgery really took its toll on him.  So long Wed-Friday plans...

Oh, and did I mention my dog (16 yrs old) died on Thursday too?  Yea.  I didn't have THAT in my planner. 

Hubby and I took the the kids to the lake on Saturday and took a little time to chill out and have some fun together playing a little tee-ball with make-shift bases.    That was nice.

I really don't know how all of those things happened since none of them were written in my planner!!! 

 But happen they did and now it's Sunday again.

So much for my best laid plans. 

Now, I have all my plans written out for this week (since I am totally stealing last week's plans).  It doesn't matter that they are all written on last week's dates right?  (Shhhh!  Don't tell my sister).

If at first you don't succeed...

I'm gonna give this another try.

Thanks for reading.

*Cartoon is from Todd Wilson at Familyman Ministires

remembering you

Today my heart is full of sadness and gratefulness; crying and smiling; sorrow and joy.  It's a paradox of feelings that I have today as I remember  the woman I said "goodbye" to one year ago.

The sadness of missing her talks with me, the gratefullness for having had her in my life, crying as I remember her last days on earth, smiling as I remember time spent with her, sorrow for the void left in my heart, joy for the hope of seeing her again one day-these are the thoughts and emotions running through my head and heart today.

She was a remarkable woman, and I miss her everyday.  There is a big selfish part of me that wants her here with me, so that I could crawl on the couch next to her and tell her everything going on in my life; so I could  here her laugh; and so I could just be with her.   But while I grieve the loss of her in my life, I also rejoice knowing that she is well, fully healed, singing and dancing and spending each moment in the perfect presence of her Savior.  I take comfort in the finished work of the cross, knowing that Jesus died to make a way to reconcile man to Father God.  Because of that work, I am assured of her eternal destiny, and mine.  Because of that work and our decision to accept that gift and make Jesus our Lord and Savior, I am assured that one day I will see her again. 

So today, while I still feel that ache in my heart and while I miss her being a part of my life, I am not without hope.

I Thessalonians 4:
¹³ And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died^[f] so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.

2 Corinthians 5:8
⁸ we are of good courage, I say, and  prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord.

I will take comfort in these verses and in the knowledge that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord, as I remember where I was one year ago today-saying my last goodbye. 

I will remember the way she ministered to so many people-even in her sickness and pain she reached out to others in need.

I will remember  the example of faithfulness and ministering to others that her life demonstrated, and I will do my best to follow that example throughout my life.

I love you Mama Paula.  Forever and for always.


Remembering you.

I'm just sittin' here remembering your smile
The way we would sit and talk for awhile
Your fun sense of humor and keen sense of style
Right now I'm just sittin' here remembering you

I'm just sittin' here remembering the way
You'd wake up each morning and take time to pray
Asking for grace to go through your day
Right now I'm just sittin' here remembering you

I'm sittin' here remembering the lessons you taught
The love words you whispered when I was distraught
The wisdom and grace your words often brought
Right now I'm just sittin' here remembering you

 I'm just sitting here remembering the day
I told you goodbye that was all I could say
I kissed your sweet face before I walked away
Right now I'm just sittin' here remembering you

I'm just sittin' here feeling so blessed
To have experieced the love of the Father expressed
In the love you gave freely I remember it best
Right now I'm just sittin' here remembering you

I'm just sitting here thinking of when
The glorious day comes and I'll see you again
Then my heart leaps for joy from the pit where it's been
Right now I'm just sittin' here thinking of you

I'm just sittin' here knowing you're healed
Dancing and singing no longer concealed
You now see God's glory fully revealed
Right now I'm just sittin' here thinking of you

Thanks for reading.