Fall

Fall is my favorite time of year.   It's always been my favorite.  Even as a young child it surpassed summer in my heart.

Auntie V used to take her grandchildren and me to a fall festival every year to pick out a pumpkin and eat junk food and ride the very unsafe carnival rides they had set up at the festival.   It was something I looked forward to every year.  My 2nd cousins (her grandchildren-one girl close to my age and her brother a bit younger) were some of my favorite people to hang out with, and we always had a blast when we were together.   Life has a way of getting so busy that I don't keep in touch with my cousins often, but they still hold a very special place in my heart and memories.

Auntie V is a big part of why I love fall.  She loves fall too and decorated her house in "fallish" decorations to the max!  She shared her love for fall much like she shared the rest of her life.  She made it fun and warm and inviting by living in each moment and pointing out every good gift from our Creator.

I'm going to do the same.  I'm going to share some things I love about fall with my friends.

Fall is for school time


Fall is for beautiful colors

Fall is for the banded woolly bear caterpillar emerging from the egg and scooting along to find a home to wait out the winter months.

Fall is for pumpkin carving

And toasting pumpkin seeds

Fall is for picking apples

And making apple pie

Fall is for snuggling to stay warm while watching flag football on a Saturday morning

 Fall is for remembering that though  things must die, death is not the end of things-but instead a transformation. 
There are some things in my heart and life that need to die and blow away like the leaves on the trees.  I feel as though the Lord is stripping my heart  to expose those areas and prepare them for transformation.  I look prettier covered in leaves, for sure, but exposure is good and necessary. It  reminds me that I am in desperate need of  His love and His life.  He has to strip away my intense resistance to change, and as he prepares my heart for new things, I wait.

Much like my friend the banded woolly bear caterpillar who comes in the fall, eats and finds a place to wait out the winter, I too am "eating" and finding my place in Jesus to rest as I wait for transformation.   Because come spring, Woolly Bear will awake from his sleep, eat some more and spin his cocoon and in the Creator's timing, Woolly Bear will be transformed into the Isabella Tiger Moth.

A total transformation.

He makes all things new.

Happy Fall friends.

Dr.s and cds and skies...OH MY!

I sat down at the computer today and I thought my last post on here was only a week or so ago. 

I was wrong. 

How is October already?  I have lost track of time in a big way.  So I've decided I had better start making my "New Year's Resolutions" now. 

1.  Writing on this blog more often
2.  Think of some more resolutions...(Hey! It's only October.  I've got time) ;)

So October has us fully into our school year.   At the end of our day, you'll find our floors littered with books and papers.  We pick up as we rush to get ready for whatever activity will be filling our evening.  Our lives are busy and full, and although we like it that way I do tend to lose track of time in the whirl of activity. 

But here I am sitting down for a moment now trying to capture some of those crazy thoughts swirling about in my head to share with my friends.  You have missed my crazy thoughts haven't you???

I recently visited a new GI Doc.(gastroenterologist) to see if we could find a solution to this perpetual stomach pain I've been having.  My stomach and I have a long history of not getting along well together.  Lately it's been acting up in a big way and I thought a trip to the Dr. might get that tummy back in line.  He ordered some blood work,  gave me a couple new suggestions, and also a new medication to try.  All in all I liked him and I'm hoping my stomach will turn from its evil ways and behave better in the future. 

The thing about a new Dr. though, is that they ask you about your history, your hospitalizations, your past medications, and all kinds of other info.  In other words-they get all up in your business.  There are lots of things I don't love to talk about, and there are lots of places I've been that I don't enjoy re-visiting.  But because they are relevant to my health, there are things I have to say, places I have to re-visit, and stories I have to tell my new Dr.  So I did, and I left with an intense desire to run home and climb under my blankie and hide. 

A friend of mine sent me several CDs of teachings from her church and there was this one about keeping secrets vs. living a transparent life.  The speaker gave a testimony of some things she had been through.  She took things she had hidden from the world, things she pretended to be and not to be and she "hung them out on the line" for all to see.   She spoke about the freedom we have as we live in God's grace. 

 Interestingly enough, I had popped that  CD in my van and listened to it on the way to the Dr.  not realizing how much I would need to hear what she was sharing.  I would need to hear her testimony of how God brought her out of the shame of her past and into His glorious grace.

He makes all things new.  I love that. 

Thinking about what I had listened to on that CD, and the visit I had with my Dr. reminded me of a picture I had taken a week or so ago.  It had been rainy and dreary all day that day and the evening was more of the same.  The children and I had to run to the drug store and on our way home we pulled over to just take a minute to stare at the night sky.  It was dark on all sides, except this one area of the sky looked differently than the rest.  Just a sliver of light shining through the darkness on one side of my car window made me stop and take notice.   I snapped a photo with my cell phone. It's not a great photo, but you can see the sliver of light shining through an otherwise blackened sky.

I realized something as I remembered that picture and thought about my Dr. visit and the teaching on that CD.

Sometimes it is in our darkest places that His light is the most noticeable. 
When all other areas look hopeless, the light of His love shines through the darkness.  I will always see that, but only if I stop to look.

As I remember those dark skies of the past and as I live through some dark skies in the present, I must look and see the light of God's glory and grace in every situation.  That is what will carry me through.  As I put away the shame of past events and become more transparent, my prayer is that I can help others find the light in their own personal darkness.  As I admit my brokenness and His strength in my weakness, perhaps someone else will see His light shining through.

Because I have to believe that God will use every dark sky I have experienced for His glory.  I have to believe that not a single tear I have cried will be wasted.  I have to believe in a plan greater than I can see with my eyes.  I have to believe that by "hanging my things on the line", sharing my pain, and becoming more transparent, that the light of God's glorious grace and perfect love in my dark skies will be made visible to others.  And that those who see His light will run to Him-because He is our help in times of trouble.

And I can continue on regardless of the past and the effects that continue to invade my present, because I choose to believe He is making all things new.

Look for His light in your dark skies, friends.  It's there.  I promise.  He will never fail, though others may, He will never fail you. 

He makes all things new.

Thanks for reading.

Best laid plans...

The best laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft a-gley.--Robert Burns ("To a Mouse")
Quoted popularly today as- The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.

No truer words have been spoken Robert Burns-no truer words. 

This past week I had some plans.

I had me some (might I humbly add) rocking-solid-awesome PU-LANS.

I even had a planner in which all of my plans were written in an orderly planner-like manner.

Those of you who know me know that I'm not often a planner kind of gal.  Oh, not that I don't try.  I try good and hard with planners a-plenty.  I just forget to write in them.  Then if I remember to write in them, I actually forget to look in them at what I've written.  So, I end up being more of a "fly by the seat of my pants girl" than a "well organized-ducks in a row girl". 

BUT this week was going to be different.  In fact this homeschool year is going to be different.  I bought THE best planner in the whole world (all the reviews said so).  My sister even has a planner by this same company and she said it was her favorite EVER.  (Sidenote:  My sister is like planner supreme, queen of all things well planned, a planner super-hero with a cape and everything.  It's a disgusting natural gift of hers.  SO, you see why her endorsement of a planner holds some serious weight in my eyes).  As soon as this planner was in my hands,  I knew it was going to change my life, and I got busy writing in it.

This was the week I had planned to begin our schooling.  SO, I planned out my week's activities, lesson plans, menu, homeschool assignments for the children and their chores.  My book shelves were cleaned and re-organzied with all of our current books in place.  My binder was ready.   Kids' binders were ready.  Pencils, crayons, glue and notebooks had been purchased and were all in their proper places ready for some serious use.  
THEN:

OH!!  Hello giant brick wall.  OUCH!  

Last Sunday evening found me laying in a bed at the ER for severe abdominal pain(which I will post about another time-but I'm fine). 

Monday found me following up my ER visit with a visit to my own Dr.   The rest of Monday was spent laying on the couch sick sick sick.  So long Monday plans...

Tuesday, my bonus son-who is still in the hospital- had another major surgery.   I was still sick on the couch most of that day, while hubby was at the hospital keeping me (and my frazzled nerves) updated via texting.  So long Tuesday plans...

The rest of the week was taken up with another visit to the dr. and taking daily shifts sitting at the hospital with my bonus son, since this surgery really took its toll on him.  So long Wed-Friday plans...

Oh, and did I mention my dog (16 yrs old) died on Thursday too?  Yea.  I didn't have THAT in my planner. 

Hubby and I took the the kids to the lake on Saturday and took a little time to chill out and have some fun together playing a little tee-ball with make-shift bases.    That was nice.

I really don't know how all of those things happened since none of them were written in my planner!!! 

 But happen they did and now it's Sunday again.

So much for my best laid plans. 

Now, I have all my plans written out for this week (since I am totally stealing last week's plans).  It doesn't matter that they are all written on last week's dates right?  (Shhhh!  Don't tell my sister).

If at first you don't succeed...

I'm gonna give this another try.

Thanks for reading.

*Cartoon is from Todd Wilson at Familyman Ministires

remembering you

Today my heart is full of sadness and gratefulness; crying and smiling; sorrow and joy.  It's a paradox of feelings that I have today as I remember  the woman I said "goodbye" to one year ago.

The sadness of missing her talks with me, the gratefullness for having had her in my life, crying as I remember her last days on earth, smiling as I remember time spent with her, sorrow for the void left in my heart, joy for the hope of seeing her again one day-these are the thoughts and emotions running through my head and heart today.

She was a remarkable woman, and I miss her everyday.  There is a big selfish part of me that wants her here with me, so that I could crawl on the couch next to her and tell her everything going on in my life; so I could  here her laugh; and so I could just be with her.   But while I grieve the loss of her in my life, I also rejoice knowing that she is well, fully healed, singing and dancing and spending each moment in the perfect presence of her Savior.  I take comfort in the finished work of the cross, knowing that Jesus died to make a way to reconcile man to Father God.  Because of that work, I am assured of her eternal destiny, and mine.  Because of that work and our decision to accept that gift and make Jesus our Lord and Savior, I am assured that one day I will see her again. 

So today, while I still feel that ache in my heart and while I miss her being a part of my life, I am not without hope.

I Thessalonians 4:
¹³ And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died^[f] so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.

2 Corinthians 5:8
⁸ we are of good courage, I say, and  prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord.

I will take comfort in these verses and in the knowledge that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord, as I remember where I was one year ago today-saying my last goodbye. 

I will remember the way she ministered to so many people-even in her sickness and pain she reached out to others in need.

I will remember  the example of faithfulness and ministering to others that her life demonstrated, and I will do my best to follow that example throughout my life.

I love you Mama Paula.  Forever and for always.


Remembering you.

I'm just sittin' here remembering your smile
The way we would sit and talk for awhile
Your fun sense of humor and keen sense of style
Right now I'm just sittin' here remembering you

I'm just sittin' here remembering the way
You'd wake up each morning and take time to pray
Asking for grace to go through your day
Right now I'm just sittin' here remembering you

I'm sittin' here remembering the lessons you taught
The love words you whispered when I was distraught
The wisdom and grace your words often brought
Right now I'm just sittin' here remembering you

 I'm just sitting here remembering the day
I told you goodbye that was all I could say
I kissed your sweet face before I walked away
Right now I'm just sittin' here remembering you

I'm just sittin' here feeling so blessed
To have experieced the love of the Father expressed
In the love you gave freely I remember it best
Right now I'm just sittin' here remembering you

I'm just sitting here thinking of when
The glorious day comes and I'll see you again
Then my heart leaps for joy from the pit where it's been
Right now I'm just sittin' here thinking of you

I'm just sittin' here knowing you're healed
Dancing and singing no longer concealed
You now see God's glory fully revealed
Right now I'm just sittin' here thinking of you

Thanks for reading.

Juggling

Well, our family has had quite the week so far.  My bonus son was in a terrible boating accident Sunday evening and could have drowned. He also could have died from his injuries.  He also could have lost one of his legs. 

But God.  :)

He is doing remarkably well, due to the continuous prayers of so many who love and respect him, and the healing power of God.

Hubby and I have been learning the hospital motto-which I've determined is "Come on in, take off your coat and WAIT awhile."  Nothing is done in a hurry around there for sure, but I am grateful he is getting excellent care.  It's a good hospital and he's had great nurses.  God has been so good to him. 

Still, it's hard to see someone you love in pain, and I just wish he didn't have to go through this. 
He's a great kid (22 this month). I just can't say enough good things about him. He's so gracious and thankful to the nurses who are taking care of him- they all love him. He's a sweetie, that's for sure.


As I was driving home tonight from the hospital, with my bonus son on my mind, my heart was just so heavy.  So I tried to switch my focus and figure out what I needed to do when I got home. 

Feed dog. 

get clothes ready for kids. 

make calls to make arrangements for kids to go tomorrow to  friend's house..

make sure hubby has clothes to wear(when was the last time I did laundry???)

Did hubby eat any dinner?

Did I eat any dinner?

and and and...

This week I've been juggling like no other

Kinda like this:

Only the closer I got to home,  I started to feel a little more like this

So, juggling may not be my forte I decided, but it's OK, because just as pulled into town I heard this on the radio:

"When I call on Jesus, all things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles and soar
When I call on Jesus, mountains are gonna fall
Cuz He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call"

As if saving my bonus son and protecting him from infection wasn't enough, God is also picking up all those things I keep dropping while trying to juggle them on my own.  He's so awesome like that.  He is the supreme multi-tasker. 

I looked at the seat next to me where my bag of coffee sat.  My mama  had picked it up at the store for me, because I was out.  Anyone who knows me knows this:  I can NOT be out of coffee.  Plus she got me my favorite kind.  :)

When I got home,  there was food on the counter and in my fridge that my dear friend had brought over. 

My children then told me all about the fun day they had with their friends.  My bestie had taken them for the day along with her own 3 kids and driven them to gymnastics, then to dinner and ice cream and the park.  They also learned the art of pumping their arms up and down at semi truck drivers to get them to honk their horn.  I was told 8 of the truck drivers obliged. 

As I thought about all these things I had "dropped"  I began to realize that before they even hit the floor, God had scooped them up and taken care of them. 

As the days move forward, I will try to remember that I need not try to juggle on my own.  I need to call on Jesus, because He's got this.

Whatever any of you  are struggling to juggle, join me in remembering we weren't meant to walk out this life alone.  Don't worry if your items begin to fall, Call on Jesus only then is anything possible.

Thanks for reading.

A lesson from an asparagus

Hello Friends!


Glad you've come back, in spite of my prolonged absence.  You'd think having been gone for awhile that I would have some  great, profound, bit of awesomeness to bring to you.  


Well, don't get your hopes up too high.


I'm kind of a simple gal.


But you may be interested  if you like to talk to tomatoes, if a squash can make you smile...  Because I found a little piece of wisdom from an asparagus last night.


I'm finding myself in a place of changes.


The needs of my family are changing as my children are getting older.


The organization and content of homeschooling the children  is becoming more complex.


Our little family is going through some significant changes in some other areas of our lives that may very well have a great impact on us all.


We are experiencing some major growing pains.


OUCH!!

Anyone who knows me well, knows this about me:  I do NOT adjust to change easily.  I do not run to greet changes with open arms and give them a great big hug.  


I tend to lean more toward the running away from while screaming apprehensive slow approach to changes.  


But running or embracing, either way, changes come.   I will have to adjust.  


I'm a bit slow, so right about the time I get used to something it changes.  A friend of mine says it something like this:
I just get my ducks in a row and they start waddling away.   


So as I have been pondering all these changes in my adult manner, and contemplating how everything will work out, I have missed out on the simplest of things.


I was watching Veggie Tales (yes, I'm 38 years old and yes I still LOVE Veggie Tales) with my kiddos last night.  We were watching a Silly Songs episode where they play some of the songs from various shows.


*side note:  If you've never seen Veggie Tales or don't know what they are, google it.  It's worth watching.  They are a garden variety of veggies who tell stories from the Bible, give moral lessons, plus they have silly songs in each episode just for silly fun.


So the last song is called My Day sung by Jr. Asparagus.  He lays down in his bed at the end of the day and sings...


In my bed I start to pray and tell God all about my day


Then he sings all about the good things that happened in his day; the way he followed the rules, did his chores, learned new things at school, and had some fun with his friends.


Then he sings:


And so it’s good to know
How much you love me
It’s true, the bible says you do
You really love me
Your love was with me all throughout my day



It is a very easy thing for me to see the hand of God in the beauty of a wonderful day.  It is a very easy thing for me to say prayers of thanksgiving for all of His goodness to me, and acknowledge that every good thing comes from God.  Much like Jr. Asparagus, on those days I can feel and know that His love was with me all throughout my day.


In the second verse he sings about some not so wonderful things.  He failed to complete his duties, he had trouble sharing and following rules, he brings attention to those things that are less than wonderful about himself.  And yet at the end of the verse he again sings:


And so it’s really good to know
How much you love me
It’s true, the bible says you do
You really love me
Your love was with me all throughout my day


What I realized in Jr.'s simple song was that God's love for me doesn't change if I have a good day or a bad day; if I let His light shine through me, or if my character flaws shine brighter; if I am good, bad or ugly- His love never changes, and neither does the fact that He is always with me all throughout my day.


Watching this simple song being sung by a small asparagus put my adult-contemplative-pondering mind back to a simple child-like truth.  


When I lay down in my bed at night, I don't need to figure everything out.  I don't need to yell at myself about all my character flaws and all the ways I have done things the wrong way that day.  I don't need to worry. 


 I can sing along with Jr. in the last line of the song...


In my bed so quietly
I rest in knowing God loves me


Maybe that simple yet complete faith is why Jesus said this to the disciples:


Matthew 18:1-3
 ¹ At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
 ² He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. ³ And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.


Most of the day requires me to be an adult with an adult mind to make adult decisions and carry out adult responsibilities. 


 But I still must find that quiet time at the end of all of that when I can be a child.  I need to lay down and tell God all about my day-good and awful-and rest in knowing that no matter what He loves me and His love is with me all throughout my day.

Thanks for reading

Night Minds

Psalm 61:1-2

1 Hear my cry, O God;
Attend to my prayer.
2 From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.


Greeting friends.

Long time no blog.  I have been feeling a little out of touch lately.

Since my last post, I've had so many things to write about swirling around in my head, but I have not been able to put myself in front of the keyboard.

 I'm just gonna tell you the truth.

 I am in a funk.

 An intense state of complete defeat. 

Overwhelmed with the simplest of tasks and caught in a cycle of anxiety which leads to my current depressed state.  I find little enjoyment in anything except for the tantalizing thought of crawling in my bed and hiding under my blankie.  

I can't seem to do anything right.  I have the opposite of the Midas touch.  Everything I touch turns to... well- NOT gold.  Let's leave it at that. 

This happens sometimes.  Probably more times than I like to admit.  It's not always circumstantial, it is just darkness that covers everything.  So things can be going along fine and there it is.  It just happens that way. 

Sorry to be such a drag, but one thing I want this blog to portray is the reality of my life.  I don't want to pretend to be a person that I'm not.  I had something else in mind to write about when I sat down tonight, but it wouldn't have been honest writing.  It would have portrayed feelings that I just don't have right now.  

Just keepin' it real here folks.

 In doing so, my hope is that someone may stumble onto this blog who may have some of these same feelings and know they are not alone.  That they are not less than just because they feel so exhausted by their own racing thoughts and varying emotions. That the intense darkness that covers any trace of light, will pass over.  There is hope.

We just have to hold on to the rock that is higher than we are. 

I have a great support system.  It really helps that my Mama(MIL) is a therapist, and someone I can run to when I need a lap to cry on.  I couldn't have asked for people who are more kind and caring than the ones I have in my life.  But I kinda have a habit of being a bit of a turtle.  I crawl inside my shell and hide.  I feel like it's safer, but really it's just darker in there.

A lifeline is only helpful if you grab onto it.

So if any of you out there are like me, take your hand and pop it out of your shell and grab a hold of someone you trust and who loves you.  I know it's hard to reach out, but sometimes we need  help to get through those dark times.  Hopefully , that person will also point you to Jesus, because His intense love shines light into the darkness and floods our hearts with hope.

 He is our lifeline.  Don't sink into the darkness.

And yes, I will try to take my own advice. 

When I first heard this song it reminded me how many people out there suffer from this kind of dark thinking.  This song called Night Minds reminded me that we all need each other.  God created us for relationships, with Himself and with each other.   While there are many times when I need someone to go through the fight with me, my prayer is that I will be able to help others in their fight as well.

.

For now, I'm going to finish off that Hershey with almonds bar I have in my freezer. 

Thanks for reading.