Mid-life crisis, workin' nights, and Lucky Charms

Hello my friends.

Are any of you still out there?  I'm sorry I've not been around in quite some time.  I can't imagine what you have had to occupy your time without new fresh blog posts from the crazy space I call my mind.  Well, you shall wait no more...  Here's a quick peek at what I've been up to...

First, my darling daughter turned 13.  The magic teenage number.  She has entered the years that parents most dread.   Having a teenager made me feel kinda old.  Yea, that's where it all started...

 A week later, I turned 39.  Yup.  My last year before the big 4-0.  I had a bit of a mid-life crisis of sorts and decided it was high time I got a needle poked through the thick cartilage on my face.  Nothing says "Happy 39th Birthday" quite like getting your nose pierced. 

Did it hurt?, you ask.  You do want to know don't you?  Well, I'm going to tell you. 

YES!!  It hurt.  really bad.  I almost passed out when after the first time the stud went bursting through my nose, I heard the words "aww c'mon"  and watched the drawer open for another set of needles to try again a second time.  He did get it all the way through on the second try.  OUCH.   I survived though.  And I staggered walked out to my family who was waiting for me. 

Oh, did I forget to mention that I took hubby and the three children with me to the body piercing/tattoo shop?  Yea, cuz isn't that what everyone does-takes the fam. with them for piercings?  No?  Well, whatever.  We all know I'm not typical anyway. 

SO once I got in the car, my skin was clammy, I was light headed and I threw up.  Yea, I'm that tough.  But I did it, and that's gotta count on the bravery spectrum somewhere right?? 
So now I have a jewel in my nose.  Yup.  And I'm really looking forward to seeing how that is gonna work when I get my first cold.  Don't worry, I'll be sure to let you know.  You can't wait huh?  Maybe I'll even include pictures. ;)




After my birthday was over, I began looking for a job.  Since I had gotten my STNA license I thought it was high time I use it and go look for part time work.  I found a place that had openings on 3rd shift.  I was hoping for 2nd shift, because I can't work 1st with the kiddos to take care of and all, but 2nd shift would be ideal.  3rd was all they had open at the time, and I thought maybe I could do that.  "Sure you can" I told myself.  No problem.  I had it all planned out.  I would work, then come home and stay awake until the afternoon, then sleep until evening on the days I had to work.  Yea, great theory, great plan, poor execution.  More often than not,  I fall asleep and stay asleep for a grand total of 2 hours or so and then I lay there.  And lay there.  And tell myself "If you don't get some sleep, you're going to be exhausted", and then I close my eyes, determined to fall asleep, and...I just. lay. there.   UGH!  Then I brew a pot of coffee, guzzle it down and go to work.

Work.  Ahhh, now that's a blog story for another day...

Back to 3rd shift...The crazy thing about working 3rd shift is that I literally almost never know what day it is.  Seriously.  Even on the days I don't work, I can't figure out what day it is. I'm not quite sure when or what I'm supposed to eat either.  They give us a "lunch" break, but what does one eat at 2am?  When is breakfast,  lunch and supper?  I can't quite figure it out.  Then, when my shift is over and  I drive home, my eyes start seeing things that I'm pretty sure aren't really there.  Working 3rds is  seriously messing with my thought processes (and we all know my thought processes need  no help in the "messing with" dept.). 

I called my sister (a respiratory therapist)  and told her all about it (she's worked 3rds before) I said "I feel like I'm going to die" She said "YUP-that's how it is".  Oh yay. 

I'm so tired, and I feel old.  And so we are back full circle to the "I'm feeling old" thought process that started this whole mid-life crisis-get a hole in your face-change careers-thing in the first place.  Oi to the Vey.  Seriously. 

Maybe if I eat the kids' cereal I'll feel younger.  Yea, that should help.  How can you feel old while eating cereal with fun shaped marshmallows(which, by the way, I can't chew.  They give me chills when they touch my teeth-weird huh). 

SO the big question is, when exactly do I eat these???  I can't remember when I'm supposed to eat breakfast...






Thanks for reading.

In the interest of fair reporting...

Before becoming a mother I had a hundred theories on how to bring up children.  Now I have seven children and only one theory:  Love them, especially when they least deserve to be loved.-Kate Samperi

Wasn't it just yesterday I posted about how great it was to be a mother??  The one where I was completely sappy concerning the joys of motherhood and how grateful I am to have this time with my children-I swear that was just yesterday!

Yea, I think it was, and didn't I  mentioned all the  things that I had learned since becoming a mother?

 I think I forgot one.  Restraint.  Yup, today I realized that I have learned to restrain myself from pulling a "Joseph's brothers act" and selling my children to the first band of Egyptians riding by.  Then again, maybe I wouldn't have had such restraint had an actual band of Egyptians passed by...

Well, either way I still have all my children with me in spite of them being uncooperative, argumentative, demanding and in all other ways behaving like CHILDREN today. (can you imagine? Children behaving like children.  Really!).  Well, lest you erroneously  think that we are just one happy flowery bundle of love all. the. time. around here, allow me to enlighten you.   Today I felt like this little guy.

I was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.* And the children seemed to be having one too.  We were quite the group today.  We let  all our uglies and undesirables hang out today.  Not anyone's finest hour.  But thankfully the day is almost over and soon I will resemble this woman.

Tomorrow is a fresh new day and we will all get a fresh new start.  A clean slate.  A do-over.  Hallelujah!


Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed because his compassions fail not.  They are new every morning.  Great is Your faithfulness-Lamentations 3:22-23

I, for one, am glad we have a new chance with each sunrise.   Love, after all, does cover a multitude of "uglies".  And we do all love each other, even when none of us, myself included, are exhibiting behavior deserving of love. Sometimes that's when we need  love the most-even though it seems what we need is a kick in the...well, anyway, that's why we need to be continuously filled with God's perfect unconditional love to pour out on one another.  Then we can love each other in spite of those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days.  

Sometimes things just do not go as planned, or as desired, or as anything resembling acceptable.  But "mom says some days are like that, even in Australia".*

Thanks for reading

²
*The book quotes and little boy pic. come from this book.  An excellent children's book about bad days.

Mother's Day

The process of shaping the child...shapes also the mother herself.  Reverence for her sacred burden calls her to all that is pure and good, that she may teach primarily by her own humble, daily example.
-Elisabeth Elliot

Today was Mother's Day.

My children greeted me this morning with kisses, words that said "Happy Mother's Day", cards, gifts and their sweet smiles.  But no card or gift could ever be worth more to me than the gift of being their mother.   It is their voices I hear, giggling and chatting with one another, that get me out of bed in the morning on those days when I'd rather hide from the world.  It is for them that I  push myself to seek the Lord on how to be a good example of a godly woman for my girls to follow, and how to raise my son to be a man of God.  Being a mother has been the most frustrating, difficult, wonderful, joyous experience of my life.

Motherhood is a place where you can experience extreme joy, laughter, incredible frustration, tears, an iron will and complete defeat all in one hour spent with a toddler.  It is a place where you discover you biggest vulnerability, your deepest fears, your greatest hope and your biggest dreams.  Somehow, they all tend to be wrapped up in  the little people that God has entrusted to you to raise.  You open yourself up for hurt as you love, without conditions, this small, totally dependent infant who can give you nothing in return.  You fear you will somehow not be the patient mom you so desire to be, while you slip in a puddle of pudding your toddler threw on the floor.  You hope and dream along with your children those big dreams they have.  And above all, you PRAY.

In all the ways I teach my children, I feel as though I am the one learning the most.  I've learned more about myself(good and awful bad), more about giving, and more about the unconditional love and acceptance of God, by parenting these little people He has entrusted to me.  In all the ways I give to my children, I feel as though I receive the most.  I came home from class one night to see this precious gift on my counter from my little guy.

I used to think I wanted to have so much more in my life.  But as I watch how quickly the years are flying by, I am so grateful to have the privilege to devote this time in my life to spend with my children.   Soon enough they will be grown and will not take photos like these...

Being a mother sure isn't what I thought it would be.  But it is the best gift I've ever been given.  I am grateful everyday for my children and also for my wonderful hubby to walk this journey of parenting with me.

 Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.-Elizabeth Stone

If you've never seen this video by Anita Renfroe about motherhood, check this out.  It is hilarious.

Happy Mother's Day to all you mommies out there

Thanks for reading.

Seed planting and faith walking

What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.-Pericles

Life seems to come full circle on things.  Things that were spoken into our lives take root and slowly grow until they mature into actions and life choices.   I am convinced that we are all created for a specific purpose and are part of a plan that goes beyond ourselves.  I am convinced that many of us never realize this, because we are too caught up in what we think we are supposed to do and be, what others want us to do and be or maybe what we think is admirable to do and be-at least it's been that way for me.  I am convinced we miss out on a greater blessing in our lives when we do this, because God says in His word that the plans He has for us are good and hopeful-Jeremiah 29:11  How much better would it be if we just fell in line with God's plan for us?  I am convinced it would be much better.  He has never failed me yet, even though I have failed Him.

Throughout every circumstance in my life-many of which are painful, He has always been faithful to provide everything I needed.  Sometimes that came through special people he brought into my life, and other times it came through the anguish of having no one at all to understand and relying solely on Him.  I am convinced He will use everything that I have been through for His glory and my good.  He is a good God, even when things around us are not good.   I am convinced there is a purpose in every pain we experience.  He wastes nothing.

When I was around 14 years old, my mamaw (my dad's mom) had open heart surgery.  She suffered a stroke during the surgery which left her paralyzed on her left side.  While she was in the hospital, I would visit her often and help care for her.  I would nag ask her if she was doing her exercises and then I'd do them with her.  I would put her compression hose on her legs for better circulation.  Oh, did I forget to mention that I put it on kinda backward?  The hole is for the toes, not the heel-in case you ever have to put one of those things on.   I helped feed her.  Yea OK, so I accidentally put the sugar packet on her mashed potatoes instead of the salt packet-I was only 14!  Gimme a break huh?   In spite of all my nagging, ruining her mashed potatoes, forcing her to do her exercises, and failing to put her hose on properly, my mamaw would tell all her doctors and nurses that I was her nurse.  In fact, she would also tell everyone how I saved her leg by propping it up for her until the paralysis was gone and she could move her own leg.    Yep.  I was real miracle worker.  (Must've been the way I put on those compression hose!).    Even at 14 I knew I had not saved her leg.  I also knew I was no nurse by any means-mamaw was a diabetic.  Sugar on her mashed potatoes was sort of a  bad mistake.    Even though it was hard to watch her deteriorate and pass away two years later, something was planted in me in caring for my Mamaw.  

A couple of years ago someone I was very close to was dying of Cancer.  She was one of the strongest most faithful women I have ever known.  She was a mom to me.   Helping take care of her as she was dying was hard because I so wanted her to be well.  But even in the difficulty came a blessing.  To be able to give back to her a little bit of what she had given to me was a beautiful gift I was given.  And all throughout her dying days, she watered that seed planted years ago.

Last summer I helped care for my bonus son who was in a terrible accident.  It was an awful time for all of us.  He was in so much pain that it just broke my heart.   He went through so much.   But as difficult as it was to watch him suffer, I wouldn't trade one minute of time I spent with him.  It was worth every moment when I see him walking and smiling now.  Through that time that plant grew a little bit more.

Now I have found myself in a new season of my life-in many areas-one of which happens to have landed me back in a classroom.   I have started training to work part time as a nursing assistant.  Quite possibly doing the very things I have done to help the ones I love-minus the backward hose and sugar mashed potatoes.    My mamaw & my mama P.  have left behind so much more than could ever fit on an engraved stone.  They have woven a part of God's plan for my life right into my heart.

Sometimes I start to panic-I know, you're shocked.  I wonder how this is all going to work out.  My primary job is educating my children.  Being a mom and homeschooling the children are full time tasks all on their own.  How in the world am I going to fit in working a few nights a week?  Am I ever going to be able to sleep?  Can I really consume MORE coffee than I already drink?  Then I breathe and remember that God's plans for my life are good and hopeful.  He is going to work out the details.  I don't have to figure it all out.  I only have to take one step at a time.  Right now, the only step I know He's guided me to take is getting through the classes and the state test.  

The rest is unclear.   

But I suppose that's all part of the faith walk.  Trusting.  Following.  Believing.

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." -Dr. Martin Luther King

Thanks for reading.

Songs for the Season

I have recently discovered Pinterest.  My friend was so excited to see me on Pinterest, that she dedicated one of her boards to things that I might like.  Today she had a saying on there that said "For every situation, there's a suitable line from a song".  My friend knows me so well.  I have often identified with songs throughout the seasons of my life.  Music has been a balm on my wounded soul over and over again.

I remember as a young girl, we had an 8-track tape (yea, I'm that old) of Andrae' Crouch.  I was cleaning one day and listening to that tape and the song "Bless His Holy Name" came on.  I remember I stopped cleaning and just got lost in the song.  I sat in the chair and just soaked in every word and note of the song.  Then I played it again.  And again.   And again.   I let it sink in.  Then I sang my little heart out.  Bless the Lord, Oh my soul and all that is within me bless His Holy name...

 I do that kind of thing when I'm letting a song sink into my soul.  I play it over and over again (just ask my kids-they find this VERY annoying).  Then I sing my heart out (which, I'm sure, my kids also find annoying).

This season of life I'm in now is one of changes.  Lots of  changes on the outside but many more changes inside of me.  It has been a difficult time, because (and if you've read this blog before, you already know this) I do not adjust easily to changes.  During this time I have found a "suitable line from a song" almost every day for what I am going through.  I wanted to share a couple with you in case any of you are going through a season of difficulty and could benefit from some good soul songs.

Bethany Dillon sings a song called Be Near Me that has really hit home.  Some of the lyrics are:

I follow all the rules
Well, at least I'm trying
Hoping when my days are through
You'll be pleased
I've lived the longest days
Thinking my heart was so bad
Too scared to look in your face
Oh, if only I had
And is it alright
If I stay here all night
By the shoreline[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/bethany_dillon/be_near_me.html 
I cannot believe you are angry or unjust
You've done nothing but have compassion on us
So be near me when I've given up
Be near me

For all of my 38 years, I have been so afraid to look for the face of God.  To seek Him and be near to Him seemed too frightening of a thing to even consider.  This may seem odd for a girl who was raised in church and saved by grace at the age of 7, but it's true.  I served God and loved Him all of my life, but I could not look at Him and know that I was accepted.  I could not draw close to Him.  I tried my best to follow all the rules hoping I could work hard enough to be loved  and yet I too spent most of my days thinking my heart was so bad that I couldn't come closer.  I've been so caught up in self-loathing that I had fallen from the grace that saved me in the first place.  I  am well familiar with the scriptures.  I know Ephesians 2:8 by heart, and could recite it at anytime, and yet the meaning of that verse had not yet reached the depths of my soul.  I knew I was saved by faith, but how could I be sure of God's approval.  How could I be sure He was not angry at me for all my failures and missteps?  Surely I have not proven myself worthy to stand before Him.  Surely He would never desire to be near me, especially when I had given up.  

So very recently, God has begun to show me all the ways He desires to be near us.  He loves when we stay all night by the shoreline and are washed over with waves of His love.   He looks at us through the finished work of Jesus.  He call us accepted in the beloved (Ephesians 1:6)  Grace.  Grace. and more Grace.   Even when my faith is so weak and I am ready to give up, He is ever waiting. 

He has only just begun to work this in me, and I still find it a difficult thing to believe in the day to day running of my life.  So when I feel lost and I don't understand, I whisper "Be near me when I've given up, Be near me."  And He is always there with compassion.   He is faithful.

Do not be afraid, friends.  He desires a close relationship.  Call out to Him, whatever state you are in, and He will accept you just as you are.
There's an old song "Just As I am"  and there's is a newer version of it that adds this bridge


I come broken to mended
I come wounded to be healed
I come desperate to be rescued 
I come empty to be filled
I come guilty to be pardoned 
By the blood of Christ the Lamb
And I'm welcomed with open arms
Praise God, Just as I am. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gGBMv42dJY

God has used music to touch my heart and soothe my soul throughout my life.  Often times, when I'm listening to that song for the 80th time and singing my heart out to the Lord, something changes in my soul.  I was talking to a friend recently about my struggle with anxiety and depression and she told me "in your gift of singing is your deliverance".  I have thought a lot about those words.  God is so gracious to give us everything we need to overcome those things that would take us down.   For me it is singing my heart out, sometimes through tears and unbelief, but singing it out anyway that brings the victory.

I still play that song I sang as a child.  I still sing those same words He has done great things He has done great things, He has done great things, Bless His Holy Name.  And I will bless the Lord, Oh my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name.

I'm gonna get in touch with my 'inner black gospel self' now and bless the Lord with my man Andrae'.  LOVE me some Andrae'!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp-UOjstQ1o

Thanks for reading.

Homeschooling Humor

Homeschooling.  It is more than a movement for some of us.  It is a way of life.  I've heard and read LOTS of arguments on the issue of homeschooling.  Some say it is so much better for the child.  Some say it is so much worse for the child.  I have had conversations with people on both ends of the argument, but I have found that most position themselves somewhere in the middle of things.

I'm not one to waste a lot of my time and energy arguing with people.  If you choose to believe that teaching your own children is wrong, I will not try to convince you otherwise. Nor will I adhere to the belief that ALL children should be home educated.  It is not a choice that will work out favorably for everyone. 

What I WILL say is that homeschooling is our way of life.    I do believe that it is the best choice for our family, and so that is what we do.

I approach homeschooling the children much like I approach the rest of my life, with a good amount of fear, a whole lot of prayer, and a sense of humor.  It is a difficult journey sometimes.  Talk to most homeschooling moms and they will tell you it is not easy.  But most will also tell you they wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Years ago my sister gave me a book by Todd Wilson called Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe.  Anyone reading this blog who needs some encouragement, I highly recommend this book.  Todd Wilson also wrote 4 volumes of The Official Book of Homeschooling Cartoons  that I flip through often when I need a laugh. 

I wanted to share some of those cartoons with you all.  If you are homeschooling your children, chances are you will relate to some of these.  If you are not, you will get a small peek into a world that is different than your own.  In any case I hope these bring a smile to your face.

Oh boy!  I sound like this lady sometimes.

Just last week my son sat at the pediatrician's office and when the Dr. asked what he was learning in school this year he replied "Oh nothing really".  Yup.  It was a proud moment.

One day you may pick up the phone to call me and I will not answer because I will be just like the woman on this page.

Yea, we have these kind of  "school uniforms" too.  It cuts down on laundry that I don't have time to do.

Yes, poor hubby has come home from a hard day at work to a scene similar to this one.

  I'm afraid this is really what's going on in the heads of my children while I drone on and on.  

While it may take me an hour to explain what an adjective is and I just may exhaust myself explaining fractions  while my child contemplates the size of my nose.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  There is a peace in the chaos of everyday life when I am living it out the way God has planned for our family.   Hubby may come home to the occasional frozen supper.  He may  find us still in our jammies while he trips over the array of school books  and world maps sprinkled all over the living room floor.  On those days, he just says "OK kids, looks like we are ordering pizza tonight." 

It is an organized chaos, but we are all together in it.  Learning together.  Growing together.  I'm so grateful that God has given me this opportunity.  Though the task is not easy, it is worth it.   His strength is made perfect in our weakness, and there are LOTS of opportunities in our school day for His strength to shine through.  

On those tough days, I remind myself how fast the years are moving; that they are only children once in their lifetime; and that one day they will be gone and I won't have to explain long division EVER AGAIN-insert a great big HALLELUJAH here.  Those reminders get me through the tough days.  

And I treasure the good days.  The days when I don't allow the stress get to me and I can just enjoy listening to my son read to me and laugh at the story he is reading.  

Even the dog joins in sometimes(though he doesn't look very interested).

It's an adventure, and I have the greatest crew in the world going along with me.

Thanks for reading.

*all cartoons were by Todd Wilson and you can check out his website at familymanweb.com