Before becoming a mother I had a hundred theories on how to bring up children. Now I have seven children and only one theory: Love them, especially when they least deserve to be loved.-Kate Samperi
Wasn't it just yesterday I posted about how great it was to be a mother?? The one where I was completely sappy concerning the joys of motherhood and how grateful I am to have this time with my children-I swear that was just yesterday!
Yea, I think it was, and didn't I mentioned all the things that I had learned since becoming a mother?
I think I forgot one. Restraint. Yup, today I realized that I have learned to restrain myself from pulling a "Joseph's brothers act" and selling my children to the first band of Egyptians riding by. Then again, maybe I wouldn't have had such restraint had an actual band of Egyptians passed by...
Well, either way I still have all my children with me in spite of them being uncooperative, argumentative, demanding and in all other ways behaving like CHILDREN today. (can you imagine? Children behaving like children. Really!). Well, lest you erroneously think that we are just one happy flowery bundle of love all. the. time. around here, allow me to enlighten you. Today I felt like this little guy.
I was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.* And the children seemed to be having one too. We were quite the group today. We let all our uglies and undesirables hang out today. Not anyone's finest hour. But thankfully the day is almost over and soon I will resemble this woman.
Tomorrow is a fresh new day and we will all get a fresh new start. A clean slate. A do-over. Hallelujah!
Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness-Lamentations 3:22-23
I, for one, am glad we have a new chance with each sunrise. Love, after all, does cover a multitude of "uglies". And we do all love each other, even when none of us, myself included, are exhibiting behavior deserving of love. Sometimes that's when we need love the most-even though it seems what we need is a kick in the...well, anyway, that's why we need to be continuously filled with God's perfect unconditional love to pour out on one another. Then we can love each other in spite of those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days.
Sometimes things just do not go as planned, or as desired, or as anything resembling acceptable. But "mom says some days are like that, even in Australia".*
Thanks for reading
2 *The book quotes and little boy pic. come from this book. An excellent children's book about bad days.
The process of shaping the child...shapes also the mother herself. Reverence for her sacred burden calls her to all that is pure and good, that she may teach primarily by her own humble, daily example. -Elisabeth Elliot
Today was Mother's Day.
My children greeted me this morning with kisses, words that said "Happy Mother's Day", cards, gifts and their sweet smiles. But no card or gift could ever be worth more to me than the gift of being their mother. It is their voices I hear, giggling and chatting with one another, that get me out of bed in the morning on those days when I'd rather hide from the world. It is for them that I push myself to seek the Lord on how to be a good example of a godly woman for my girls to follow, and how to raise my son to be a man of God. Being a mother has been the most frustrating, difficult, wonderful, joyous experience of my life.
Motherhood is a place where you can experience extreme joy, laughter, incredible frustration, tears, an iron will and complete defeat all in one hour spent with a toddler. It is a place where you discover you biggest vulnerability, your deepest fears, your greatest hope and your biggest dreams. Somehow, they all tend to be wrapped up in the little people that God has entrusted to you to raise. You open yourself up for hurt as you love, without conditions, this small, totally dependent infant who can give you nothing in return. You fear you will somehow not be the patient mom you so desire to be, while you slip in a puddle of pudding your toddler threw on the floor. You hope and dream along with your children those big dreams they have. And above all, you PRAY.
In all the ways I teach my children, I feel as though I am the one learning the most. I've learned more about myself(good and awful bad), more about giving, and more about the unconditional love and acceptance of God, by parenting these little people He has entrusted to me. In all the ways I give to my children, I feel as though I receive the most. I came home from class one night to see this precious gift on my counter from my little guy.
I used to think I wanted to have so much more in my life. But as I watch how quickly the years are flying by, I am so grateful to have the privilege to devote this time in my life to spend with my children. Soon enough they will be grown and will not take photos like these...
Being a mother sure isn't what I thought it would be. But it is the best gift I've ever been given. I am grateful everyday for my children and also for my wonderful hubby to walk this journey of parenting with me.
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.-Elizabeth Stone
If you've never seen this video by Anita Renfroe about motherhood, check this out. It is hilarious.
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.-Pericles
Life seems to come full circle on things. Things that were spoken into our lives take root and slowly grow until they mature into actions and life choices. I am convinced that we are all created for a specific purpose and are part of a plan that goes beyond ourselves. I am convinced that many of us never realize this, because we are too caught up in what we think we are supposed to do and be, what others want us to do and be or maybe what we think is admirable to do and be-at least it's been that way for me. I am convinced we miss out on a greater blessing in our lives when we do this, because God says in His word that the plans He has for us are good and hopeful-Jeremiah 29:11 How much better would it be if we just fell in line with God's plan for us? I am convinced it would be much better. He has never failed me yet, even though I have failed Him.
Throughout every circumstance in my life-many of which are painful, He has always been faithful to provide everything I needed. Sometimes that came through special people he brought into my life, and other times it came through the anguish of having no one at all to understand and relying solely on Him. I am convinced He will use everything that I have been through for His glory and my good. He is a good God, even when things around us are not good. I am convinced there is a purpose in every pain we experience. He wastes nothing.
When I was around 14 years old, my mamaw (my dad's mom) had open heart surgery. She suffered a stroke during the surgery which left her paralyzed on her left side. While she was in the hospital, I would visit her often and help care for her. I would nag ask her if she was doing her exercises and then I'd do them with her. I would put her compression hose on her legs for better circulation. Oh, did I forget to mention that I put it on kinda backward? The hole is for the toes, not the heel-in case you ever have to put one of those things on. I helped feed her. Yea OK, so I accidentally put the sugar packet on her mashed potatoes instead of the salt packet-I was only 14! Gimme a break huh? In spite of all my nagging, ruining her mashed potatoes, forcing her to do her exercises, and failing to put her hose on properly, my mamaw would tell all her doctors and nurses that I was her nurse. In fact, she would also tell everyone how I saved her leg by propping it up for her until the paralysis was gone and she could move her own leg. Yep. I was real miracle worker. (Must've been the way I put on those compression hose!). Even at 14 I knew I had not saved her leg. I also knew I was no nurse by any means-mamaw was a diabetic. Sugar on her mashed potatoes was sort of a bad mistake. Even though it was hard to watch her deteriorate and pass away two years later, something was planted in me in caring for my Mamaw.
A couple of years ago someone I was very close to was dying of Cancer. She was one of the strongest most faithful women I have ever known. She was a mom to me. Helping take care of her as she was dying was hard because I so wanted her to be well. But even in the difficulty came a blessing. To be able to give back to her a little bit of what she had given to me was a beautiful gift I was given. And all throughout her dying days, she watered that seed planted years ago.
Last summer I helped care for my bonus son who was in a terrible accident. It was an awful time for all of us. He was in so much pain that it just broke my heart. He went through so much. But as difficult as it was to watch him suffer, I wouldn't trade one minute of time I spent with him. It was worth every moment when I see him walking and smiling now. Through that time that plant grew a little bit more.
Now I have found myself in a new season of my life-in many areas-one of which happens to have landed me back in a classroom. I have started training to work part time as a nursing assistant. Quite possibly doing the very things I have done to help the ones I love-minus the backward hose and sugar mashed potatoes. My mamaw & my mama P. have left behind so much more than could ever fit on an engraved stone. They have woven a part of God's plan for my life right into my heart.
Sometimes I start to panic-I know, you're shocked. I wonder how this is all going to work out. My primary job is educating my children. Being a mom and homeschooling the children are full time tasks all on their own. How in the world am I going to fit in working a few nights a week? Am I ever going to be able to sleep? Can I really consume MORE coffee than I already drink? Then I breathe and remember that God's plans for my life are good and hopeful. He is going to work out the details. I don't have to figure it all out. I only have to take one step at a time. Right now, the only step I know He's guided me to take is getting through the classes and the state test.
The rest is unclear.
But I suppose that's all part of the faith walk. Trusting. Following. Believing.
"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." -Dr. Martin Luther King
I have recently discovered Pinterest. My friend was so excited to see me on Pinterest, that she dedicated one of her boards to things that I might like. Today she had a saying on there that said "For every situation, there's a suitable line from a song". My friend knows me so well. I have often identified with songs throughout the seasons of my life. Music has been a balm on my wounded soul over and over again.
I remember as a young girl, we had an 8-track tape (yea, I'm that old) of Andrae' Crouch. I was cleaning one day and listening to that tape and the song "Bless His Holy Name" came on. I remember I stopped cleaning and just got lost in the song. I sat in the chair and just soaked in every word and note of the song. Then I played it again. And again. And again. I let it sink in. Then I sang my little heart out. Bless the Lord, Oh my soul and all that is within me bless His Holy name...
I do that kind of thing when I'm letting a song sink into my soul. I play it over and over again (just ask my kids-they find this VERY annoying). Then I sing my heart out (which, I'm sure, my kids also find annoying).
This season of life I'm in now is one of changes. Lots of changes on the outside but many more changes inside of me. It has been a difficult time, because (and if you've read this blog before, you already know this) I do not adjust easily to changes. During this time I have found a "suitable line from a song" almost every day for what I am going through. I wanted to share a couple with you in case any of you are going through a season of difficulty and could benefit from some good soul songs.
Bethany Dillon sings a song called Be Near Me that has really hit home. Some of the lyrics are:
I follow all the rules Well, at least I'm trying Hoping when my days are through You'll be pleased I've lived the longest days Thinking my heart was so bad Too scared to look in your face Oh, if only I had And is it alright If I stay here all night By the shoreline[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/bethany_dillon/be_near_me.html I cannot believe you are angry or unjust You've done nothing but have compassion on us So be near me when I've given up Be near me
For all of my 38 years, I have been so afraid to look for the face of God. To seek Him and be near to Him seemed too frightening of a thing to even consider. This may seem odd for a girl who was raised in church and saved by grace at the age of 7, but it's true. I served God and loved Him all of my life, but I could not look at Him and know that I was accepted. I could not draw close to Him. I tried my best to follow all the rules hoping I could work hard enough to be loved and yet I too spent most of my days thinking my heart was so bad that I couldn't come closer. I've been so caught up in self-loathing that I had fallen from the grace that saved me in the first place. I am well familiar with the scriptures. I know Ephesians 2:8 by heart, and could recite it at anytime, and yet the meaning of that verse had not yet reached the depths of my soul. I knew I was saved by faith, but how could I be sure of God's approval. How could I be sure He was not angry at me for all my failures and missteps? Surely I have not proven myself worthy to stand before Him. Surely He would never desire to be near me, especially when I had given up.
So very recently, God has begun to show me all the ways He desires to be near us. He loves when we stay all night by the shoreline and are washed over with waves of His love. He looks at us through the finished work of Jesus. He call us accepted in the beloved (Ephesians 1:6) Grace. Grace. and more Grace. Even when my faith is so weak and I am ready to give up, He is ever waiting.
He has only just begun to work this in me, and I still find it a difficult thing to believe in the day to day running of my life. So when I feel lost and I don't understand, I whisper "Be near me when I've given up, Be near me." And He is always there with compassion. He is faithful.
Do not be afraid, friends. He desires a close relationship. Call out to Him, whatever state you are in, and He will accept you just as you are.
There's an old song "Just As I am" and there's is a newer version of it that adds this bridge
I come broken to mended I come wounded to be healed I come desperate to be rescued I come empty to be filled I come guilty to be pardoned By the blood of Christ the Lamb And I'm welcomed with open arms Praise God, Just as I am.
God has used music to touch my heart and soothe my soul throughout my life. Often times, when I'm listening to that song for the 80th time and singing my heart out to the Lord, something changes in my soul. I was talking to a friend recently about my struggle with anxiety and depression and she told me "in your gift of singing is your deliverance". I have thought a lot about those words. God is so gracious to give us everything we need to overcome those things that would take us down. For me it is singing my heart out, sometimes through tears and unbelief, but singing it out anyway that brings the victory.
I still play that song I sang as a child. I still sing those same words He has done great things He has done great things, He has done great things, Bless His Holy Name. And I will bless the Lord, Oh my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name.
Homeschooling. It is more than a movement for some of us. It is a way of life. I've heard and read LOTS of arguments on the issue of homeschooling. Some say it is so much better for the child. Some say it is so much worse for the child. I have had conversations with people on both ends of the argument, but I have found that most position themselves somewhere in the middle of things.
I'm not one to waste a lot of my time and energy arguing with people. If you choose to believe that teaching your own children is wrong, I will not try to convince you otherwise. Nor will I adhere to the belief that ALL children should be home educated. It is not a choice that will work out favorably for everyone.
What I WILL say is that homeschooling is our way of life. I do believe that it is the best choice for our family, and so that is what we do.
I approach homeschooling the children much like I approach the rest of my life, with a good amount of fear, a whole lot of prayer, and a sense of humor. It is a difficult journey sometimes. Talk to most homeschooling moms and they will tell you it is not easy. But most will also tell you they wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
Years ago my sister gave me a book by Todd Wilson called Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe. Anyone reading this blog who needs some encouragement, I highly recommend this book. Todd Wilson also wrote 4 volumes of The Official Book of Homeschooling Cartoons that I flip through often when I need a laugh.
I wanted to share some of those cartoons with you all. If you are homeschooling your children, chances are you will relate to some of these. If you are not, you will get a small peek into a world that is different than your own. In any case I hope these bring a smile to your face.
Oh boy! I sound like this lady sometimes.
Just last week my son sat at the pediatrician's office and when the Dr. asked what he was learning in school this year he replied "Oh nothing really". Yup. It was a proud moment.
One day you may pick up the phone to call me and I will not answer because I will be just like the woman on this page.
Yea, we have these kind of "school uniforms" too. It cuts down on laundry that I don't have time to do.
Yes, poor hubby has come home from a hard day at work to a scene similar to this one.
I'm afraid this is really what's going on in the heads of my children while I drone on and on.
While it may take me an hour to explain what an adjective is and I just may exhaust myself explaining fractions while my child contemplates the size of my nose. I wouldn't want it any other way. There is a peace in the chaos of everyday life when I am living it out the way God has planned for our family. Hubby may come home to the occasional frozen supper. He may find us still in our jammies while he trips over the array of school books and world maps sprinkled all over the living room floor. On those days, he just says "OK kids, looks like we are ordering pizza tonight."
It is an organized chaos, but we are all together in it. Learning together. Growing together. I'm so grateful that God has given me this opportunity. Though the task is not easy, it is worth it. His strength is made perfect in our weakness, and there are LOTS of opportunities in our school day for His strength to shine through.
On those tough days, I remind myself how fast the years are moving; that they are only children once in their lifetime; and that one day they will be gone and I won't have to explain long division EVER AGAIN-insert a great big HALLELUJAH here. Those reminders get me through the tough days.
And I treasure the good days. The days when I don't allow the stress get to me and I can just enjoy listening to my son read to me and laugh at the story he is reading.
Even the dog joins in sometimes(though he doesn't look very interested).
It's an adventure, and I have the greatest crew in the world going along with me.
Thanks for reading.
*all cartoons were by Todd Wilson and you can check out his website at familymanweb.com
Boots, snow pants, mittens and hats strewn about my living room.
Yes, winter has officially arrived. It IS January after all, and I DO live in Michigan-so this should come as no surprise. We've had such a mild December and January thus far that I almost forgot that it is winter. Almost forgot, but not entirely.
My heart knows it's January. January and I have a rocky relationship. So much so that I almost hate to see it arrive. The bitter cold winds of January have blown in some incredibly difficult times throughout my life.
It was in January when I was 16 years old, I stood beside my Mamaw for days as she lay dying in the hospital. It was late one January night when she drew in her last breath as I stood holding her hand. It was that same January night that I saw my dad cry heaving sobs of grief and my aunts and cousins cry in overwhelming sorrow at the loss of their mother. It was a few days later in January that Auntie V and I held onto one another so that both of us could stand, while we said our final "until we meet again" to this woman we both loved so much. My Mamaw was my buddy and I still find myself missing her.
It was in January when I was 20 years old that I had come to a place of such despair that I had given up on life completely. I found myself in the psychiatric unit of a hospital for attempted suicide(this was the first in a long battle of depression and suicidal thinking and attempts). It was one of the coldest winters that year. It was that same January that my life was forever changed. Circumstances in my life had reached a breaking point, my heart and soul were completely shattered into a million pieces, and I truly believed that my life was over. I had lost all hope that my future would be anything but miserable.
To quote my mama's favorite saying "But God".
God intervened and although circumstances were still broken, as were my heart and soul, He made a way for healing and restoration. God has redeemed the lost years and has worked (and continues to work) a miracle in my heart and life. It was not quick. It was not painless. It was not pretty. But in the end, the result of all that I have been through is a life filled with many testimonies of God's faithfulness.
Now 18 years later, it's January once again and I find myself in a state of transition. In case you haven't gotten the memo on this blog of mine, I'm not a fan of change. I like things to stay the same (I may have mentioned this a few hundred times on here). But times they are a-changin', and I have found myself this January struggling with those changes and also with those same old feelings of desperation. Those feelings that say "You can't make it" "You don't have what it takes" "You are weak". "You are not enough". But I have learned something in these past 18 years. I have learned that rather than fight those intense waves of depression and flail in the water in a desperate attempt to save myself, I cry out "save me Jesus" then I say to those feelings "It's OK if I don't have what it takes, and yes I am weak, and I am most certainly not enough, but I canmake it because God is all that I am not and He is willing and able to rescue me." I know now, from past experiences, that every trial, every pain, every disappointment and every tear will make their way back around to testify of God's faithfulness and love. God has a plan and His plans are always good.
To be honest, I have many days where depression and anxiety still get the best of me, and I find myself more often than I'd like to admit in a place of flailing and near drowning. I too often fail to remember the lessons I've learned and cry out for help. Too often I look around at the storm and not on the hand reaching down to rescue me. To fail to mention those struggles may lead you to think that I have it all together, and rest assured I do not. But that's really the most beautiful thing of all isn't it? That none of us really have it all together, but God does. And while I am no where near where I want to be, I am so much better than I used to be.
Friends, when things look the darkest and the most hopeless, do not give up. Never think for one moment that God can't turn things around. I know He can take the most hopeless of circumstances and turn it into something beautiful. It may not be quick, it may not be painless, it may not even be pretty, but in the end it will be beautiful.
I love this song. Especially the part that says "I have come undone, but I have just begun, changing by your grace"... God has blessed me beyond what I could have ever asked Him for, and the best part is that He's not through with me yet. He is so good.
He can take anything we are willing to give Him and make it beautiful.
So long 2011, glad to see you go. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. I don't mean to be so unkind toward you, but you really haven't been very friendly either. I can't say that I will regret parting ways with you. I will say that I have learned quite a lot in your span of time-some good things, others not so great. All the same, it is time to say our goodbyes-and I can't say that I'm brokenhearted about that!
2011. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Some things good, some bad, but when I look at the big picture- all things 2011 have been used to help me learn and grow.
2011 has had me in the fire. You know that fire that refines and tests your faith.
1 Peter 1:6-7 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
Yea, not really a fan of the fire. I have to say. Sometimes I've even heard myself say "But I don't want to grow and be more like Jesus if it hurts like this." Not really one of my finer moments, but true nonetheless.
This past summer, as many of you know, had my little family turned upside down. My bonus son was involved in a terrible boating accident, which resulted in a summer full of surgeries and intense pain for him. Watching him go through that was horrendous. My heart broke a little more every day. I felt so helpless.
But even in the middle of that, God showed His mercy and loving kindness to us all. Hubby and I knew that the only reason our son was alive was because of God's own hand pulling him out of the water, and sustaining his life through the entire ordeal. My bonus son is a walking, breathing miracle and testimony of God's faithfulness and power and mercy.
My faith grew at least ten times its size this summer.
I don't believe that God causes tragedies to happen, but I do believe that He uses every one to show us more about who He is. And the great thing about God is that He promises to turn every situation into something good. He gives us beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3), He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28).
Life often times has a way of finding me hiding in the corner proclaiming my inability to walk out the path God has chosen for me. Yup, I'm the one over there screaming saying "I can't do the things you are asking me to do" and "I'm not strong enough" and "I'm not wise enough" and "I'm just not enough." This has been my mantra through all of 2011- and (if I'm completely honest) through all of my life.
But the beauty of coming to the "end of my rope" so to speak is that I can finally let go and allow God to be strong and wise and enough. I have finally realized that God alone is able to be enough and I don't have to be anything on my own. This (and more) I have learned in the fire of 2011.
I have a friend who makes beautiful designs out of pieces of broken glass. Whenever I see a mosaic, it reminds me that some of the most beautiful things are made from broken pieces. And while she makes beautiful pieces of art, only God can pick up the broken pieces of our soul and piece them back together and make us into something beautiful. I have realized, this year, that it's only when I am completely broken that He can transform who I thought I should be into who He created me to be. He does make all things beautiful in His time. He makes all things new. But only when we come to the end of ourselves.
All of my broken dreams, and hopes and plans I now surrender into the hands of the only One who can make something beautiful out of the broken pieces of my life.
This summer another friend of mine shared a song with me that helped her when she was going through a difficult time with a family member who was ill. It also ministered to me I'm so thankful that she shared it with me, so I want to share it too. It's called "Strong Enough" by Matthew West.
So while I'm not sad to see 2011 go, I'm grateful for the lessons God has taught me this year. I'm looking forward to 2012 with hope of seeing His plans fulfilled in my life.
Happy 2012 friends, may God piece together your lives as well. He is good. All the time.
