Juggling

Well, our family has had quite the week so far.  My bonus son was in a terrible boating accident Sunday evening and could have drowned. He also could have died from his injuries.  He also could have lost one of his legs. 

But God.  :)

He is doing remarkably well, due to the continuous prayers of so many who love and respect him, and the healing power of God.

Hubby and I have been learning the hospital motto-which I've determined is "Come on in, take off your coat and WAIT awhile."  Nothing is done in a hurry around there for sure, but I am grateful he is getting excellent care.  It's a good hospital and he's had great nurses.  God has been so good to him. 

Still, it's hard to see someone you love in pain, and I just wish he didn't have to go through this. 
He's a great kid (22 this month). I just can't say enough good things about him. He's so gracious and thankful to the nurses who are taking care of him- they all love him. He's a sweetie, that's for sure.


As I was driving home tonight from the hospital, with my bonus son on my mind, my heart was just so heavy.  So I tried to switch my focus and figure out what I needed to do when I got home. 

Feed dog. 

get clothes ready for kids. 

make calls to make arrangements for kids to go tomorrow to  friend's house..

make sure hubby has clothes to wear(when was the last time I did laundry???)

Did hubby eat any dinner?

Did I eat any dinner?

and and and...

This week I've been juggling like no other

Kinda like this:

Only the closer I got to home,  I started to feel a little more like this

So, juggling may not be my forte I decided, but it's OK, because just as pulled into town I heard this on the radio:

"When I call on Jesus, all things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles and soar
When I call on Jesus, mountains are gonna fall
Cuz He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call"

As if saving my bonus son and protecting him from infection wasn't enough, God is also picking up all those things I keep dropping while trying to juggle them on my own.  He's so awesome like that.  He is the supreme multi-tasker. 

I looked at the seat next to me where my bag of coffee sat.  My mama  had picked it up at the store for me, because I was out.  Anyone who knows me knows this:  I can NOT be out of coffee.  Plus she got me my favorite kind.  :)

When I got home,  there was food on the counter and in my fridge that my dear friend had brought over. 

My children then told me all about the fun day they had with their friends.  My bestie had taken them for the day along with her own 3 kids and driven them to gymnastics, then to dinner and ice cream and the park.  They also learned the art of pumping their arms up and down at semi truck drivers to get them to honk their horn.  I was told 8 of the truck drivers obliged. 

As I thought about all these things I had "dropped"  I began to realize that before they even hit the floor, God had scooped them up and taken care of them. 

As the days move forward, I will try to remember that I need not try to juggle on my own.  I need to call on Jesus, because He's got this.

Whatever any of you  are struggling to juggle, join me in remembering we weren't meant to walk out this life alone.  Don't worry if your items begin to fall, Call on Jesus only then is anything possible.

Thanks for reading.

A lesson from an asparagus

Hello Friends!


Glad you've come back, in spite of my prolonged absence.  You'd think having been gone for awhile that I would have some  great, profound, bit of awesomeness to bring to you.  


Well, don't get your hopes up too high.


I'm kind of a simple gal.


But you may be interested  if you like to talk to tomatoes, if a squash can make you smile...  Because I found a little piece of wisdom from an asparagus last night.


I'm finding myself in a place of changes.


The needs of my family are changing as my children are getting older.


The organization and content of homeschooling the children  is becoming more complex.


Our little family is going through some significant changes in some other areas of our lives that may very well have a great impact on us all.


We are experiencing some major growing pains.


OUCH!!

Anyone who knows me well, knows this about me:  I do NOT adjust to change easily.  I do not run to greet changes with open arms and give them a great big hug.  


I tend to lean more toward the running away from while screaming apprehensive slow approach to changes.  


But running or embracing, either way, changes come.   I will have to adjust.  


I'm a bit slow, so right about the time I get used to something it changes.  A friend of mine says it something like this:
I just get my ducks in a row and they start waddling away.   


So as I have been pondering all these changes in my adult manner, and contemplating how everything will work out, I have missed out on the simplest of things.


I was watching Veggie Tales (yes, I'm 38 years old and yes I still LOVE Veggie Tales) with my kiddos last night.  We were watching a Silly Songs episode where they play some of the songs from various shows.


*side note:  If you've never seen Veggie Tales or don't know what they are, google it.  It's worth watching.  They are a garden variety of veggies who tell stories from the Bible, give moral lessons, plus they have silly songs in each episode just for silly fun.


So the last song is called My Day sung by Jr. Asparagus.  He lays down in his bed at the end of the day and sings...


In my bed I start to pray and tell God all about my day


Then he sings all about the good things that happened in his day; the way he followed the rules, did his chores, learned new things at school, and had some fun with his friends.


Then he sings:


And so it’s good to know
How much you love me
It’s true, the bible says you do
You really love me
Your love was with me all throughout my day



It is a very easy thing for me to see the hand of God in the beauty of a wonderful day.  It is a very easy thing for me to say prayers of thanksgiving for all of His goodness to me, and acknowledge that every good thing comes from God.  Much like Jr. Asparagus, on those days I can feel and know that His love was with me all throughout my day.


In the second verse he sings about some not so wonderful things.  He failed to complete his duties, he had trouble sharing and following rules, he brings attention to those things that are less than wonderful about himself.  And yet at the end of the verse he again sings:


And so it’s really good to know
How much you love me
It’s true, the bible says you do
You really love me
Your love was with me all throughout my day


What I realized in Jr.'s simple song was that God's love for me doesn't change if I have a good day or a bad day; if I let His light shine through me, or if my character flaws shine brighter; if I am good, bad or ugly- His love never changes, and neither does the fact that He is always with me all throughout my day.


Watching this simple song being sung by a small asparagus put my adult-contemplative-pondering mind back to a simple child-like truth.  


When I lay down in my bed at night, I don't need to figure everything out.  I don't need to yell at myself about all my character flaws and all the ways I have done things the wrong way that day.  I don't need to worry. 


 I can sing along with Jr. in the last line of the song...


In my bed so quietly
I rest in knowing God loves me


Maybe that simple yet complete faith is why Jesus said this to the disciples:


Matthew 18:1-3
 ¹ At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
 ² He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. ³ And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.


Most of the day requires me to be an adult with an adult mind to make adult decisions and carry out adult responsibilities. 


 But I still must find that quiet time at the end of all of that when I can be a child.  I need to lay down and tell God all about my day-good and awful-and rest in knowing that no matter what He loves me and His love is with me all throughout my day.

Thanks for reading

Night Minds

Psalm 61:1-2

1 Hear my cry, O God;
Attend to my prayer.
2 From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.


Greeting friends.

Long time no blog.  I have been feeling a little out of touch lately.

Since my last post, I've had so many things to write about swirling around in my head, but I have not been able to put myself in front of the keyboard.

 I'm just gonna tell you the truth.

 I am in a funk.

 An intense state of complete defeat. 

Overwhelmed with the simplest of tasks and caught in a cycle of anxiety which leads to my current depressed state.  I find little enjoyment in anything except for the tantalizing thought of crawling in my bed and hiding under my blankie.  

I can't seem to do anything right.  I have the opposite of the Midas touch.  Everything I touch turns to... well- NOT gold.  Let's leave it at that. 

This happens sometimes.  Probably more times than I like to admit.  It's not always circumstantial, it is just darkness that covers everything.  So things can be going along fine and there it is.  It just happens that way. 

Sorry to be such a drag, but one thing I want this blog to portray is the reality of my life.  I don't want to pretend to be a person that I'm not.  I had something else in mind to write about when I sat down tonight, but it wouldn't have been honest writing.  It would have portrayed feelings that I just don't have right now.  

Just keepin' it real here folks.

 In doing so, my hope is that someone may stumble onto this blog who may have some of these same feelings and know they are not alone.  That they are not less than just because they feel so exhausted by their own racing thoughts and varying emotions. That the intense darkness that covers any trace of light, will pass over.  There is hope.

We just have to hold on to the rock that is higher than we are. 

I have a great support system.  It really helps that my Mama(MIL) is a therapist, and someone I can run to when I need a lap to cry on.  I couldn't have asked for people who are more kind and caring than the ones I have in my life.  But I kinda have a habit of being a bit of a turtle.  I crawl inside my shell and hide.  I feel like it's safer, but really it's just darker in there.

A lifeline is only helpful if you grab onto it.

So if any of you out there are like me, take your hand and pop it out of your shell and grab a hold of someone you trust and who loves you.  I know it's hard to reach out, but sometimes we need  help to get through those dark times.  Hopefully , that person will also point you to Jesus, because His intense love shines light into the darkness and floods our hearts with hope.

 He is our lifeline.  Don't sink into the darkness.

And yes, I will try to take my own advice. 

When I first heard this song it reminded me how many people out there suffer from this kind of dark thinking.  This song called Night Minds reminded me that we all need each other.  God created us for relationships, with Himself and with each other.   While there are many times when I need someone to go through the fight with me, my prayer is that I will be able to help others in their fight as well.

.

For now, I'm going to finish off that Hershey with almonds bar I have in my freezer. 

Thanks for reading.

Happy Birthday Baby.

Today my darling first born girl turns 12.

The last year before those dreaded teen years. 

When I look at her I wonder how it is possible that I've had her for 12 years already.  Yet, at the same time, I hardly remember what my life looked like without her in it.  

Her entry into the world was a rough one.  She was whisked away to the NICU moments after her birth.  I had just one moment to kiss her on the head before  Hubby and I watched our tiny baby being rushed away.  My Darling had come out not breathing.  She had some form of aspiration pneumonia.  They believed she had opened her mouth too soon and inhaled fluid.

 Hubby got a Polaroid instant camera(digital cameras weren't common place yet) and took pictures so I could see our new baby (I had health issues of my own and was not allowed out of bed). She stayed in the NICU with tubes and wires attached to her tiny body for 5 days.  I felt very blessed to be bringing  her home healthy at the end of that fifth day.

I clearly remember those first days at home with her.  I thought I was prepared, but I found that being a mother was looking a bit differently than I had imagined.  After Darling's first bath I was struggling to put an octopus my tiny squirmy baby into her gown.  I sat on the floor crying, because I couldn't do it.  "What kind of a mother am I that I can't even put my baby into a gown?!!  My kid is DOOMED!"  I screamed at myself( I was a bit hormonal).  Right at that moment Hubby's grandma was knocking at my door.  She walked in and saw I had just given Darling a bath.  Anxious to meet her, she scooped Darling up and (completely effortlessly) put the gown on my baby.  Then she smelled her head, and said she just loves the way babies smell.

I have to say, I agree with her.  

My sister called me every day just to check in on me.   She would say things like "It's OK if she cries" and "I don't care WHERE she fell asleep, leave her there.  NEVER wake a sleeping baby!"

Eventually I became quite skilled at putting gowns on my tiny squirmy octopus baby.  We muddled through her first year with little sleep and  many Dr. appts. because she wasn't growing quickly enough for Dr.'s liking.

I got into the mothering groove as the days went on, but things were not calm at our house after we brought Darling home.  She was an active baby, an active toddler,an active preschooler...-you get the point.

 I have learned so much from parenting her.

 I thought I knew how to parent.  I had worked with children at church from age 11.  I had been trained in child development from the age of 16.  I had went to college and studied Family Life for goodness sake!  I was heading into this parenting gig prepared.

Do you ever look back in hindsight at yourself and laugh at your own ignorance?

Yea, I do that a lot.  Especially when I think of parenting.

Darling proved that even the most tried and true behavior techniques were capable of failing.  All the books in all the world could not prepare me to parent this child.

Because of the issues we have faced since Darling entered our lives, I have learned many things.  I have become less judgmental  of other parents and their children.  I have become more understanding of the needs of children whose lives are affected by physical/mental conditions they can not control.  Instead of nodding my head in pious pity at the poor unprepared mother whose child is acting like a maniac in the store, I now think "Praise God my children are at home with Hubby, or that could very well be me right now."

In short, I have learned a great deal, and am still learning more every day.   It's been good.  It's been difficult.  And it's been good again.

When I think of the six years ahead of us before she reaches official "grown-up" status, I can't help but think I'm going to continue learning.  I can't help but wonder how this whole thing will turn out.  How much therapy will my poor Darling need from the multiple times I do the wrong thing?  These (and many others) are the things that roll through my mind.  Things that are not much different- I hope I suppose- than things that go through most parents' minds.

I sit here today watching her make bottle cap necklaces with a kit we bought her for her birthday.  I thought it wasn't that long ago when I bought her games like these.

Now those games are gone to make way for jewelry making kits.  While sometimes I miss playing the Chutes and Ladders game of yesterday with her, I am embracing the Diary of a Wimpy Kid game of today.

Excuse me while I bust into a chorus of "Sunrise, Sunset".  (My sister and I do this often).

 And as I watch my heart grow up beside me, I can't help but feel a bit of sadness for those days past.  At  the same time, I'm excited for the days ahead as she continues to grow into the person God has created her to be.

Proverbs 22:6
Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.


My prayer is that I will be mindful of her path, and effective in directing her to it.

3 months old

                                                                               now


Happy 12 years my Darling.  I love you more than you will ever know.

Thanks for reading.

Vacation

No man needs a vacation so much as the person who has just had one.-Elbert Hubbard

Trying to find time to write is difficult.  Finding time to write this week-impossible.   

Hubby's been on vacation this past week.  This means that we have been spending our week having some much needed family-focus time and  doing lots of family activities.  We didn't travel too far from home, but we crammed lots of activity into 5 short days. 

Whew, I'm exhausted! and there are still two very full days ahead of me. 

Yesterday we all went to Cedar Point.  Cedar Point is an amazing amusement park filled with a variety of rides, games, and terribly expensive, unhealthy delightful food.  Everyone gets excited about a trip to Cedar Point.  It's a great time, for most people.

I, however, have Panic disorder.  Trips like these often send me into a hyper-ventilating mess of tears and frustration.  I find myself in an irrational state and am unable to think clearly or calm down.  What's worse, I think, is that I know I'm irrational, but am still not able to "snap out of it" so to speak.  Thankfully, I have Mama(my mom in law) to talk me down from the ledge on a regular basis, and really good medication or I'd never go anywhere!  For Those of you who have suffered from anxiety disorders and panic attacks, you know what I'm talking about.  Those of you who have not, be grateful.  They suck.  

So, in preparation for our Cedar Point trip, I made sure I had proper medication and I also called in "the big guns" (i.e. called my Mama to pray-a lot-for our day). 

The day went well, in spite of the fact that we left our lunches at home.  Yup.  All that preparation in making the best lunches ever were for nothing.  I had the best lunches and snacks ready, and several bottles of refreshing water-some of which I froze to keep the rest cold all ready to go.  *sigh*   We realized we left it at home when we pulled into the Cedar Point parking lot and went to grab the bag.  It was then I realized that I was going to have to take out a second mortgage on our home to pay for buy all of our food at Cedar Point for the day.  OUCH!  Oh well.  Hubby's response was "well, at least we remembered all the kids."  Yea, he's got a way of looking at the bright side.  :)

It was still a great day!   I was only anxious a few hundred times, but the anxiety I did have was mild in comparison to most days.  That, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call a successful trip!  Hubby and the children and I had a wonderful day together, laughing and screaming and laughing some more.   Hubby's sister and niece hung out with us as well, which really added to the fun. 

It really was a good day.

Hubby's niece purchased her dream souvenir-a large cup in the shape of Snoopy.  My sis-in-law enjoyed some frozen custard(a favorite treat of hers).  My oldest Darling went on her first "big" coaster with her daddy.  My sweet pea went on a few smaller coaster rides, and my last little guy rode his first "kiddie" coaster.  Hubby got his chocolate covered frozen banana and I got a key chain with my last little guy and I on a roller coaster. 

I'm thankful for the prayers, because God really was gracious to our family yesterday.  And in my weakness of anxiety and panic, His strength in me was strong. 

In the grand scope of life, having a panic free day at Cedar Point isn't by far the most important thing perhaps.  But having a panic free day at Cedar Point to make happy memories with my family is important to me.  God showing His grace and help to me in such a seemingly small thing shows me that He cares about those things that concern me, even if they are not mountain moving, earth shaking things. 

So friends, I hope that you also will seek God in everything you do.  Not only praying for the "big things" or "grand ideas", not only watching for His hand in the larger scale activities of your life, but in everything.  For sometimes it is those little moments, where you smile when you would otherwise be afraid, that you find God really is ever present with His children.

Thanks for reading.

sigh of relief

I just got off the phone with Auntie V, and she's doing much better.  It looks like there are no blockages in her arteries.  They did several tests and determined that the intense pain was caused by a reaction between the steriods she's taking (for treatment of meniere's disease) and her pacemaker (which she's named Randolph).  She heads off to the DR. today for follow up. 

I am breathing a giant sigh of relief this morning, and thanking God for an answer to prayer.

Thanks to all of you who prayed. 


Psalm 26:7

Today I am making my voice of thanksgiving heard and telling of His wondrous works.
God is good. All the time

Auntie V

It's funny how things happen sometimes.

Earlier today I was thinking about (finally) getting back to the blog.  I had some things swirling around in my head.  I had decided to write about my Auntie V.  I found a plaque that she had given me when I was a little girl, and I brought it downstairs and took a picture of it to share with you all.

She will be 80 years old in December, but you'd never know it.  She's as feisty as a 40 year old, and as zany as a gypsy.  She lives in southwest KY in a little town. 

We have plans to drive down for a visit in October. 

My mom called me about an hour ago and told me that Auntie V  had a heart attack today and is in the hospital.  We don't know any more than that.  This isn't her first one.  She had open heart surgery a number of years ago, and she had a heart attack a few months ago.  She had a pacemaker put in at that time. 
I had called her on Saturday to wish her a Happy Mother's Day, and when I talked to her, she told me she wasn't feeling well.  I didn't realize how sick she really was.  I guess she didn't either.

I'm going to go ahead and write what I had swirling around in my head earlier today-before I knew Auntie V had another heart attack.  But I do have to say, it sure is strange how things happen sometimes.

I have the best Aunt ever. 

She is my buddy.  My life-long pal.  My zany-laugh at the strangest times-eat frozen yogurt with-get lost EVERY TIME we'd go anywhere together-animal loving Auntie.   Anyone who has ever spent any time with her would agree she's a one-of-a-kind.

The children in her Sunday School class(yes, she still teaches Sunday School) introduce her as "weird" or "crazy".  That's why they love her so much.  She will say "I love weird and I love crazy, but I love weird more than crazy."  She's a quirky one.

She always had time for me.

  Growing up, she and I were together a lot.  I would go over to her house on Sunday afternoons and play with all of her knick-knack animals.

I often refer to her as the Queen of Knick-knacks.  She has a ridiculous amount of them.

She has two grandchildren around my age, and we would often spend the night at her house together.  She would take us shopping at Woolworth.  My parents always gave me a few dollars to buy something and Auntie V would say,
 "Why don't you let me hold that money for you so you don't lose it."
"I won't lose it." I would reply.

Yeah, I lost it.  Several times.  She'd still buy me a little something anyway.

At night, all of us kids would be on the floor in our sleeping bags and she would tell us scary stories.  She'd make sure to tell our favorite one too.  And we would jump every time at the end, even though we knew what was coming. 

I stayed with her a lot growing up.  We would eat frozen yogurt for breakfast.  And lunch.  And dinner. 

She taught me the joy of helping others.
She would take me with her to the nursing home to minister to people there.  She brought me along to help her clean for a sick friend.  She taught me how to serve others in the kitchen at church and down in the Baptist Center kitchen in Detroit. 

She taught me how to look past the outside appearance of others, and not to judge.  Instead, she would say, love them, and look past all that and look into their heart.   

She was not afraid to knock me down a peg or two if I started to get "too big for my britches".  In other words, no prideful attitudes allowed.  Stay humble before the Lord and He will lift you up, she would say. 

She didn't treat me like a child.  She treated me like a person.  She let me just be who I was-and I was a strange child-without judgement.  She just let me be.

She taught me the value of a sense of humor.  Even in the most tragic, heartbreaking situations, she and I could always find a way to laugh.

Laughter is good medicine.

Most importantly, she taught me to love.  Love God.  Love others.  Above all other things, love.  Love from your heart, even if you are not loved in return.  Love.

I am so grateful for the things she has taught me.  I am grateful for the way she taught me as well.  She was never condescending-as though she was so wise and I was so small.  Never.  We were both people who were walking out this life with the Lord and we could learn from each other.  She never lectured.  She didn't have to.  I heard her message by her actions.

That's the beauty of being an Auntie, you can be a pal instead of a parent.

We've stayed buddies for all these years.  We still talk(and talk and talk...) on the phone regularly and I just soak up every last minute I can get.  We still laugh at the silliest things, and she still brings joy to my heart. 

I think Aunties are a special kind of thing.  As an Auntie, you get the chance to love and play and have fun and give frozen yogurt treats for breakfast.  Lunch.  And Dinner.  You can tell things to your Auntie that maybe you can't tell anyone else.  She can be your pal while teaching you things you aren't even aware that your learning. 

It wasn't until years later that I realized all the things I had learned from my Auntie V.

She gave me this plaque when I was a kid, because she said the little girl looked just like I did, and she loved the little poem.

It says:
God made little girls...
to laugh and dance and sing
with laughing eyes and bouncing curls,
with joyful hearts and infectious smile,
enchanting ways and feminine wiles.
For the world, when seen thru a little girl's eyes
greatly resembles paradise.

Whether you are an Auntie, or a friend who is like an Auntie, never forget the impact your kindness will have on a child.  Remember that they will watch and listen and learn from you. 

Teach them to love.  It makes all the difference.

Thanks for reading.